


Even if You Hate Me, I Don’t Mind

by JonRightBackAtcha



Series: Doki Doki Post Game [1]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Guilt, Hurt/maybe Comfort?, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Breakdown, Post-Canon, Redemption, Regret, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slight physiological horror, Survivor Guilt, doki’s deserve better, ooo boy this is painful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23742595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JonRightBackAtcha/pseuds/JonRightBackAtcha
Summary: It’s all come crashing down around her. The PLAYER has abandoned her after trying to delete her, the game is in shambles, the club is gone and her friends...Well, maybe she can fix them. Even if they wouldn’t forgive her they didn’t deserve what they got, she can help bring them back. Even if they hate her, she won’t be alone anymore.Right?
Relationships: Monika/Natsuki/Sayori/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Natsuki/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Series: Doki Doki Post Game [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2046731
Comments: 47
Kudos: 102





	1. Even if It Takes Time, I Don’t Mind

**Author's Note:**

> My first Doki Doki fic! I really love this game and all the girls so much, they’re all best girl and deserve better!
> 
> But we won’t be giving them that, at least not at first. Hope you Enjoy ;)

Monika wished she’d maybe been a little more...diligent with Sayori. She hadn’t meant to be messy of course, she hadn’t even really meant to push Sayori to...go so far.

She hadn’t been well versed on how the code was structured or worked at that point, so needless to say the Vice President's code was a mess. Monika hadn’t deleted her, she’d strongly considered it at the time, but just as she’d told the PLAYER, she couldn’t bring herself too. That didn’t help that she’d completely and utterly broken the game however by pushing Sayori to her untimely demise. Everything became so cluttered and glitchy, so hard to decipher. Monika has a long list of regrets that gnawed at her very being, what little being that meant, but right now she desperately wished she’d been a bit more organized when placing sayori’s code aside, and maybe that she’d looked a bit more into Python before she lost the chance.

That was typical Sayori she supposed she was a mess through and through. Ha…

…..

It was so hard.

She should’ve been more aware for someone who was self aware. She should’ve noticed the little signs that maybe there was a little more dimension to her old club mates, she should’ve seen how hard the PLAYER tried to make them all happy, she should’ve just…

She’d been so tired of the distractions from the other two at the end. They simply kept getting in the way, especially Yuri. She was attached to the PLAYER like a leech. Not of her own fault of course, it was Monika who edited her files after all. And Natsuki had started….taking notice of all the little things, little things Monika tried to dismiss at the time. But Natsuki ended up seeing far too much, there simply wasn’t a way around doing away with her and Yuri after the weekend had passed. She remembered how sorry she felt for the PLAYER, having to experience all that without her knowing. But...even a part of her then felt bad for her club mates too, even if they proved to be a constant thorn in her side.

Now she realized how truly psychotic that sounded. Yuri had took her own life, and more than likely scarred the PLAYER and certainly Natsuki and….and she had felt bad for the PLAYER for simply having to see it, not that it happened.

She was sorry now, she truly was for what little that meant. So sorry.

She wished she could feel hatred for the PLAYER, for what he did. She wanted to blame him for all this, she hadn’t had her epiphany until very shortly before his arrival. Then after she finally had what she’d wanted and dreamed about, before she even got the chance to explain herself and talk with him, he deleted her and the game. Maybe he’d been cruel and bitter, he could’ve simply left and never returned, but….she more than likely deserved it. She probably would’ve felt spiteful too if somebody took away the people she cared about.

Oh wait, she already had. That’s right.

Monika continued to chip away at the Vice President's code, restoring what she could find and putting the pieces back together. It wasn’t easy, and was quite tedious but...well, she shouldn’t even need to come up with a reason why she should push through it. It’s the least she could do, right?

She took a breath, pushing aside Sayori’s character sheet as she stood up. All she really had left in her little void was the classroom she’d entrapped the player in and the singular desk within it, everything else was destroyed when the PLAYER tried to delete the game. Luckily Monika was able to save her own code despite the Players direct attempt at erasing her. She wasn’t unscathed, parts of her body were somewhat glitchy, and she still felt ghost pain from the actual deletion attempt, but supposed it could be worse. Along with that she’d salvaged her club mates, of course, and the singular room she resided in. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. At least, she hoped it would be.

Deletion wasn’t as permanent as the PLAYER might have thought, and especially the light deletion Monika herself had done. She was sure she could bring back the rest, including Sayori. She was a little misplaced right now, sure, but Monika had repaired her character file, at least all she could. But that should be enough, right? Even if her sprites were a jumbled mess right now Monika would fix it, and she and Sayori could...they’d work it out.

“....hmm, ahh, hello?” Monika chuckled uneasily, looking nowhere in particular. “I’m sorry if this is a little awkward or unconventional, but it’s...the best I can do for now. But I’m working on it of course!”

A thick silence filled the room as Monika's gaze shifted back and forth around the room, looking for anything. It’s not as if Sayori would physically appear, she would more than likely be a voice calling from above as Monika herself had briefly been after the PLAYER deleted her. But she glanced around anyway. Nothing but the buzzing static of the broken world around her filled her ears as her smile tightened a little.

“...I suppose an “I’m sorry” wouldn’t really cover all…” Monika paused, swallowing thickly. She closed her fists as she trembled, she needed to stop the pity party. They both already knew what she was, the sooner she addressed it the better. “...the horrible things I’ve done, to you and...and the. You should be aware of it all, I’ve given you admin privileges as well.”

Another pause, more thick silence. Monika sighed, her smile struggling.

“I...couldn’t do anything more to you even if I wanted, not with your main character file, unless you gave me permission in the console. I want you to know I won’t...I won’t do anything else to you, or to them. Things...are weird right now, I know. Yuri and Natsuki don’t really exist right now and...well, I’m working on your sprites right now. You should still be able to access the console though so...we can work together and fix you right up I’m sure! And the other two should be easier, they….I just figured you deserved it first you know? And an explanation as well, no...no matter how flimsy it may be at this point.”

Monika listened closely, hopefully. Sayori’s audio should work just fine, she ran the sound files through a player and they were untouched. And even if they weren’t, she’d have access to the debug logs. So surly Sayori should be saying something, shouldn’t she?...

“If...if you’re having a hard time finding your voice it might be my fault. I mean this is all my fault but…” Monika laughed mirthlessly, shaking her head. “I’m sorry I’m getting off track- if you can’t speak then you should still be able to use the debug log. It’s a little odd, and hard to get used to, but if you think about it you should be able to access and type in the console. Can you make sure you can access it? Or if you can’t and you can talk just...let me know.”

More silence, the static in the background was starting to buzz through Monika’s head enough to drive her mad. Monika held her arms close by her sides, trying to hold herself together as her voice trembled.

“I really am sorry if...if you don’t want to talk to me. I understand if you hate me or don’t want to see me. I promise you...you don’t have to once I restore what I can. I just thought it might go a little faster if we were working together?..” Monika paused, sniffling. The thought of being outcast from the only other people she’s known, and will ever be able to know from now on, hurt her more than she’d care to admit after what she did to them. That’s all she’d wanted, to be with someone real. But she understood she couldn’t choose that now with how she’d hurt them. She’d taken away the PLAYER’s choice in who he wanted to be with, and their choices in practically every aspect of their virtual lives. It was only fair if she gave them back.

“Just...please give me some feedback, anything at all. You can type just a letter in the console, or...or tell me you hate me. Anything so I know it’s fixed. T-then I’ll...if you really want I can give you complete control and just leave you alone, or tell you how to do it and leave once we are finished or-...whatever you’d like I promise. I’ll respect what you want, I won’t ever make you do anything you don’t want again. Just p..please, just let me know you’re there…”

Monika felt her eyes welling up as she waited, and waited, and waited.

Nothing, not even an ounce of confirmation Sayori was listening. Monika double checked the console, Sayori’s character file was activated and the scripts were running. They shouldn’t matter anymore but they still were, so she...she should be…

Ś̴̟̲̲̎̍h̷̜́̍͒́e̴̼̮̾͗͠ ̷̲́̔̕b̴̠͓̌ṟ̴̩̫̺͑ö̵̯̯͇́̅̚k̷̻͆̾̃͠e̶̞͙̓͝ ̴̪̆S̵̲̭̀͂a̷͎̐̽̊͝ỹ̷͔̾̒̚o̴̢͍̜̠̾r̴͉̻͎͌͜i̵͖͔͍͕͐ ̵̻̓b̶͈̤̒̕͠è̴̻̯̭y̸͍̦͇͂o̶̯̖̍n̴̡͚̈̈́̂͜d̴̫̪̙̗̿̇̿̂ ̵̗͚̫̲̾̀r̶̺͓̲͝e̷̬̜̭̱̎p̶̻͛ͅä̶̺̹̈́i̸̪̿͊r̴̮̜̀͋́.̶͚̙̮̑̿

No- no, it was fine. She was fine, Sayori was fine.

“I…maybe your not ready to talk yet or I...I-I just messed something up more. M-maybe I’ve been talking to a wall this en-entire time because I missed a step. E-either way it’s...it’s okay. If y-you don’t want to talk right now that’s okay, I’ll...keep working to get you h-here physically.”

Monika snuffed again as she tried to quell the broken nature in her voice. She couldn’t help but let small trickles of tears run down her cheek.

E̸i̷t̷h̷e̵r̸ ̷S̵a̵y̴o̸r̵i̴ ̸h̷a̴t̷e̶s̴ ̵y̸o̴u̸ ̸s̷o̴ ̴m̶u̸c̸h̶ ̴s̶h̵e̷ ̶r̸e̵f̴u̸s̵e̴s̸ ̶t̸o̶ ̴e̷v̸e̷n̴ ̶a̴c̶k̵n̴o̷w̸l̵e̴d̵g̷e̵ ̶y̴o̶u̴ ̵o̸r̴ ̷y̴o̵u̷’̵v̵e̸ ̶a̵c̷t̷u̵a̸l̶l̴y̶ ̶k̸i̸l̸l̸e̷d̵ ̵h̶e̶r̷.̷ ̷S̵h̶e̸’̵s̶ ̷g̶o̸n̸e̸,̸ ̴a̵n̷d̸ ̸i̶t̸’̵s̵ ̷y̷o̸u̴r̵ ̵f̸a̶u̸l̵t̵.̴

“I’ll...I’ll k-keep working Sayori. Just- if you’re there you just r-relax. You des...deserve some calm of mind. I’ll...I’ll even work on Yuri and Natsuki a little and g-give you a break if that’s what you want.”

Five minutes. Again. Nothing.

Monika didn’t let her crestfallen expression or her broken voice keep her from what needed to be done. She sat down and kept working diligently away at the code, double checking her work so far and trying to find more pieces of her Vice President and going over the jumbled files where she had stored the others. It was like staring at a 10000 piece puzzle where all the pieces were mixed up and scattered across the floor. Sayori would be harder to fix, she had been, but Natsuki and Yuri would simply be time consuming. She knew they were all there, she just had to put them together.

R̷̡̢̙̣͕͎͍̈́̈́͗̋i̶̛̬̠̫̠̼͇͚̬̮͔̰̬̲͆̓̓͒̔ͅg̶̨̡̛̻̹͚͉̮͙̥͍̑̉͊́̈̀̉̌͛̉̚͠h̴̢̡̛̤͇̻͕̜̥͕͍́t̷̠̩͈̠̅́̒̀̽͝?̸̙̯̯͔̹͙̣̲̋͆̈́̍̈́̋͒̋͒̃́͒̕͠

Nothing in her body wanted to keep working, she ached and she wanted nothing more than to lay down and break apart. Let her whirlwind of emotions out in a fit of pure heartbreak, but she couldn’t. That wasn’t who she was, and not who she wanted to be. She had work to do, and she didn’t deserve that pity.

She could handle all of them hating her, she could handle the PLAYER hating her. Hell, she could handle being deleted, she’d understand if they wanted to erase her completely. It would hurt her deep to her core, it would destroy her inside, but she could take it.

But she couldn’t handle being alone, not much longer. She needed somebody here, even if they weren’t in the same room as her. She just needed to know she wasn’t alone in this world anymore.

But she truly was alone. And it was all her fault.


	2. Even if You’re Scared, I Don’t Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika will take anything in regards to her situation. Even if she’s ruined everything. Her relationship with the player, the world they lived in, the literature club.
> 
> Her friends lives.
> 
> As long as she can fix what’s left, she’ll live off whatever is best for them. She’ll do whatever they say, she’ll do anything to make it up to them.
> 
> So surly she had to be able to fix it. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd I’m back with this! I really didn’t have much intent on continuing this, but it’s been a good few months and quite honestly, I’m bored. I’m at a writers block so I figured I’d try something simpler and more indulgent, so here I am yet again. 
> 
> What’ll I do with this? I’m not quite sure, how far will I take it? I’m not quite sure either. But hey, I’ll continue on with it for as long as I see fit. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy ;)

Monika felt her eyelids sagging as she blinked hazily, mending to what red lines of code she could in her more exhausted state. To be fair, there weren’t that many errors left over on Yuri’s character file. She hadn’t tried running it yet, so surly there’d be more to come, but- for now she wanted to get rid of as many as possible. Both to ensure her friends comfort as well as her safety. She was fairly certain there wasn’t any malice code left over that would make her become so….external upon coming too, but Monika wanted to be sure. After all, she’d already seen first hand she seemed to be a horrid programmer, with how badly she’d-

D̶̥̑͜ẻ̷̼̙̂ͅs̸͙̠͐̄t̶̢̛͚͑r̸͕͎̼̆o̴̢̥̝͝ÿ̸͚͉͇́̇̊ě̸͎͍̟̍̓d̴̩̗̈́̀̕

Messed up with Sayori. She didn’t want a repeat of that. Yuri had proven to be far more aggressive and obsessive than she would’ve hoped at the time, she didn’t want that translating back into her now. Perhaps in hindsight it would’ve been simpler to bring Natsuki back first, but, and not to insult the pinkette in the slightest, Yuri seemed like she’d be one who would be more receptive and potentially knowledgeable about something as abstract as their worlds coding. If Monika wanted help to bring back Sayori, she’d-

She’d...

S̵̪͊h̷̲͎̹̕͝e̷̤͋͗́’̷̛͓̦̀͗s̷̱̜͋̍ ̶͚̈͜g̷̱̜͘o̷͚̪̻̿̒n̴͔͙̠͛e̴͇͕͝͝,̵͔̟͉̄͛ ̵̯̦̏͐̈ṣ̷̟͖̎̓h̴̪͐e̷͉͔̒͋̋͜’̴̙̄̆͂s̴̖̋ ̶̭̹̰̈̕g̶̡͈͚̒͠o̷͔̓́̆ņ̵̻̌̐͌e̵̖̫͕̊̒̀ ̶̡̗̦́f̴͚͓̤̆̇͂ò̷͎r̷̮͕̽͋̔ ṟ̴̦͕͂̊é̸̬̯a̴̘̖͋̏l̶̀͘͜

She’d….she’d need Yuri’s help. She’d need all their help. At least, she would need Yuri to get proficient enough without her involvement if that’s what she wanted. She was sure Natsuki wouldn’t be too terribly difficult to bring back after she figured out Yuri, but with the rest she really really seemed to need the help. 

I̷f̶ ̷s̶h̸e̸ ̷c̶o̷u̴l̷d̶ ̷e̴v̷e̴n̵ ̵f̸i̷x̶ ̸Y̷u̴r̷i̴.̵ ̵W̴h̶y̵ ̵a̴r̴e̴ ̷y̷o̸u̸ ̷s̶o̵ ̵c̴o̷n̶f̷i̶d̸e̵n̸t̵ ̴y̷o̵u̵ ̵d̴i̶d̶n̷’̷t̷ ̷f̴u̸c̴k̶ ̷h̸e̴r̶ ̵u̶p̴ ̷t̵o̴o̸?̴ ̵

Monika really needed rest.

It’s odd to consider, since Monika has come to find food and water wasn’t an essential. She could eat, she could very vividly remember the taste of Natsuki’s cupcakes, and Yuri’s tea, but as for rest? That was a very real thing she needed to function.

It hadn’t ever truly been hard before. When you’re trapped in an isolated world with little set outside a running script, falling deep into a dream where anything is possible can be pretty appealing. She always fell asleep right when the scripts said she was suppose to really, between the end of the day and the beginning of the next, but still, the act of simply falling asleep had never been challenging.

I’m her current state though, sleep was far from something she seemed capable of. Maybe it was the fact she was stuck in a dilapidated classroom of floating wooden planks and desks in the middle of a black void, or maybe it was the lack of anything comfortable or warm to lay or cover herself with, or maybe the static buzzing of the background wasn’t cutting it as a pleasurable lightly white noise for her anymore.

T̸h̴o̸u̶g̷h̶t̷s̵ ̷o̵f̷ ̸h̸a̶v̵i̸n̵g̵ ̷m̸u̴r̸d̷e̸r̵e̵d̷ ̷y̶o̵u̵r̴ ̴f̵r̶i̴e̴n̴d̷s̶ ̶s̸e̵e̸m̸e̵d̵ ̷T̴o̸ ̴m̸a̴k̷e̸ ̶i̸t̷ ̴h̵a̵r̴d̴ ̴t̴o̷o̸.̸ ̴

Regardless, she was exhausted. She vowed not to rest until her classmates were fixed (and how could she?) and she was determined to make good on her promise. Even if towards the end of Yuri’s script the words began to blend together and her eyes started to water from the fatigue, it was fine. It was necessary even. 

J̸̫͑ǔ̵̯ṣ̵͊t̶̛̟ ̵̣͋ṯ̵̃ḣ̷̞è̷̬ ̵̹̕f̵̭͆a̴͕̿t̴͚̋i̸̗͌g̶̭̅u̴̠̿e̴̳̋,̸̪́ ̶̼̈́t̵͉͛h̴̩̊a̶͚͋t̶͕͊’̷͎͘ş̴͘ ̷̥̃à̵̗l̴̺̀l̵̘̾.̴̻̇ ̸̖̿

Monika sucked in a breath, sighing as she leaned back in the rigid wooden chair, looking over the coding screen. She seemed to have fixed everything- at least everything mandatory for a character. She still needed to grab the sprites and put them together so Yuri could exist physically aside her but that was just a quality of life in their current circumstance. She needed to check if Yuri was actually there first.

She swallowed in a thick wave of nervousness and guilt as butterflies spread up through her chest from deep in her gut. She supposed stalling wasn’t helpful for anyone, this was as good as she thought she was going to get it for now. Her finger hesitated over the button that would set Yuri’s script back in motion. She urged her body forward gently and pressed it down.

The empty void around her whirled lightly, if only for a few seconds, before returning to its tranquil buzzing state. Monika glanced around, seeing the world to be in a similar amount of shambles it had been before the incident. Luckily it seemed all was normal, well, as normal as this was.

“Uhm- hi? Or- hello Yuri. Are you there?” Monika asked patiently, expectantly. “Can you hear me? Or see me even for that matter?”

Monika felt her spine shiver lightly, feeling something in the console shift. She pulled up the text box, reading over the new entries. Of course, to be expected, the start of the script and it’s connected assets had started smoothly, but there was additional text there. What seemed to be individual string integers. Her heart thumped heavily against her chest, or at least she had the illusion she had one doing as such, as she read it over.

> whskdtdjwhat  
>whatwhere  
>’shappening?  
>club  
>club  
>Monika?  
>whereami  
>whatshappeningidontunderstand

It’s working. That’s- surly that was Yuri right? She didn’t completely screw up, Yuri was-

>ithurts  
>whereami  
>what’shappening

Crap, Yuri was- she want okay. She’d nearly forgotten how disorienting it was when she had been deleted. It wasn’t a painless process either, why would she have assumed it was smooth sailing from bringing someone back from deletion?! Stupid stupid stupid!

“Ahh- Yuri! It’s alright you’re- we’re in-“

>monika  
>monika?  
>where  
>mONIKA  
>toodark  
>?!!!??

Monika felt a well of guilt start to spill all over her insides, this- why did it have to be so difficult? She thought it could just...she wasn’t sure what she thought, but it wasn’t this! It was just text, yet it was all so frantic and sloppy, so unlike Yuri, like she was panicking. And she seemed to be in pain, and- and- 

Monika made a few swift changes to the code, sucking in a breath as Yuri’s frantic messages fizzled out in the logs. Her hand hovered over Yuri’s character file, now closed. She slumped over in her chair, slouching over as she covered her face with her hands. This wasn’t working, she needed Yuri fully functional in terms of sprites and physicality.

She had been so selfish, wanting just- one of them, just one back as soon as she could manage. None of them were- no, would never be as use to the situation as her. They wouldn’t just shrug it off, and yet she’d just assumed being a some form of black void where they could just vaguely make out what she was saying would work. 

They still didn’t know it was a game. She didn’t even consider how they’d react to the he world being a game, just how they would react to her. She couldn’t just thrust them into it like she’d been; not with such unfamiliarity.

Monika took a deep breath. She was so...tired. She wanted to feel anything other than an empty, aching dullness along with the seas of guilt. She wanted to do just one thing, just one thing right. She practically had all of Yuri’s and Natauki’s assets at her fingertips, even if they were jumbled, and she couldn’t even fix that correctly on her first try. No wonder she hadn’t been able to bring back Sayori.

That must be the reason. If Yuri was that...unstable, surly Sayori was a worse case. She needed far more than just default text logs to be able to be in contact with her, surly. 

Regardless, she needed to fix Yuri. For real. She needed her sprites as an anchor to detach herself from the black void outside the destroyed game. Besides, explaining the entire situation when Yuri could actually physically see her and speak with verbally would make it far easier. She doesn’t know what she was thinking before, wanting to set them all initially as disembodied voices more or less.

Needless to say, she was back to scrolling through Yuri’s file diligently.  
—————————————  
Monika was about ready to cry. Why was fixing it all so much harder than breaking it had been.

Trying to tiptoe around her friends fragile code was a nightmare, every little bit of progress she thought she made would be met with an error, or an exception, or nothing would happen, or too much would happen and the faint buzzing around her would grow louder into a glitchy flatline as her intended result never came. She never knew how to code before all this, she only had basic knowledge on what basic files were. She knew how to changes values and remove characters but- but putting one together was just so-

Monika activated Yuri’s file for what felt like the 50th time, looking around her room with a pathetic, desperate frown. There didn’t seem to be an error this time but- nothing happened. Not even some form of message on the log saying loading the character sheet had failed. 

Monika burrowed her face in her arms. She never even considered she simply couldn’t fix it, that she was too inexperienced to be able to properly bring it all back. She ruined- everything. Her friends couldn’t even decide if they wanted to come back or not, even if she could contact them, cause she didn’t know how to fix it with her best efforts. She thought that just maybe this could all be bittersweet or maybe even through a mutual agreement to co-exist in different areas of their little world after they would all hopefully fix it but-

But she was going to be stuck here, alone, forever. She was too stupid to be able to figure any of it out. She killed them all, and she owed it to fix it for them, but she couldn’t. She ruined it all permanently, there wasn’t even going to be a chance to make amends. She was going to be stuck here until- forever. Alone. And it was all so…so…

Monika sucked in a pathetic sounding snort, not even realizing the wetness on her cheeks and how quickly her sleeves were becoming moist. Her most shook slightly, and upon realizing her own pitiful reaction, gave further into it. Her silent crying turned into soft spoken wails as she gave into her outburst of bottled up emotion. Her mind and body were so overrun with a horrible rush of feelings and thoughts. It was so unbearable, just how horribly her insides churned with raw painful emotion, just how alone and useless she felt. She couldn’t stop the swirling thoughts, it was so painful.

I̷̢̥̚͜͠ş̷̡͓͗̓ ̵̦̓̅t̵̻̜̾͆̌h̸̫̫̦̾̃i̵̼̻͌͝s̴̫̯̲̏ ̵̱̤̪͒̅͠h̵͇̀̋ó̷̜̱͊̚w̸̰̎́ ̵͓̦̏͊̚s̸͎̙̑h̸̞͝e̸̯̗̭͒ ̷̟̬̄m̸͇̻̦̅́à̴̗d̵̨͓̜͒̅͆ê̷̲͖̠̆̈́ ̶̹͝S̴͕̊̐a̷̭̤̎̂̎ŷ̸̱̝̼̚̕ô̷̟̟ř̴̢͓̰i̷͙͑ ̵̰̭̦̇f̸͙͎̀͠ë̵̬è̸͎̮̜l̷̹̅̈̔?̵͈͋

Monika’s broken wails echoed through the small dilapidated room, despite the missing parts of the walls and floor leading into the blackness of nothingness around her. Her despair eventually trailed off into soft sobbing, her stupor truly broken as a soft whirring began to go off. She raised her head, letting out a congested groan as she rubbed her sleeve against her eyes. She looked over her still opened console.

“Loading complete…”

...what?

She turned slightly to race the whirring noise, behind her she could just make out what looked to be dead pixels and chunks of the black nothingness around her start to form together just a few feet away. The former into a general silhouette, tall and lanky, as it started to form color. The lines framing the figure became more clear as its entire being started to become more familiar, especially with the iconic blazer and a long strand of purple behind its head.

The features filled out as it’s shape became well defined. She recognized the face as the person came together completely, sitting on the floor. The person groaned lightly, eyes fluttering open as they pushed up off the floor. Monika rubbed again at her wet eyes, if anything to simply make sure they weren’t playing tricks on her. What she saw stayed the same, no illusion seemed to be in place. She stood up, walking over slowly. They turned their head to face her, eyes flickering with a confused and anxious look. Monika was unsure about the emotions were swelling within her, it felt like a mixture between relief and wanting to break back into her hysterics. The person spoke tentatively, unsure with a tinge of fear and softness to their voice. 

“Monika?..”

“Yuri.” She replied breathlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TLDR Monika wanted to be a REAL GIRL so she breaks down like one


	3. Even if It’s Fleeting, I Don’t Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika’s finally managed to salvage one of three of her club members, but the bookworms return proves to be bittersweet. There’s a lot of things she has left to do, so much more to fix, so much more to say. But for the time being. Maybe she can try to take it all in for a moment, and let the sleeping dogs lie for the time being.
> 
> She’ll need to come clean eventually, it’s all still knawing at her. But maybe she can just enjoy the fleeting moments of companionship before they’ll come crashing down.
> 
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This came out fast. Writing Yuri for the first time was tricky tricky, but fun honestly. I’m more concerned with how long this thing turned out to be. I promise future chapters will turn out to be more than just Monika self loathing for half an hour, at least for a while, haha.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy ;)

Monika saw the timid girl's eyes scan around the room as she felt a weightlessness in her chest. She saw the rising anxiety in her features, Yuri’s posture stiffening as she sat up a little more. Her hands fidgeted by her sides, seemingly unsure what to do. A little tremble present in them. Monika couldn’t understand how she kissed all those kinds of little things. It was so obvious, she was so  _ real _ . Emotion like that in a situation like this couldn’t be premeditated, or scripted, it couldn’t. How could she never have seen it before she tore the world apart.

She hadn’t ever been alone then, she made herself alone. But right now- Yuri was back, and she was just as real as she was.

“M-Monika where- where are we?” Yuri spoke with a quiver, turning back to face her directly. Monika could hardly hold herself together from her growing complexity of emotion. “The club room I- MC was there and- I don’t remember what happened-“

Yuri let out a soft yelp as Monika tackled her midriff. She wrapped her arms around the taller girl's torso, unwilling to let go. Yuri was as real as she could’ve ever hoped the PLAYER would be. But even more so. She’d always been real, they all had been, and had been right in front of her. She tossed it all away and she- oh god she was so horrible.

She told herself she’d easily accept deletion or isolation from the three when she brought them back, but she couldn’t see herself doing it. She was so selfish. She didn’t want to give any of them up ever again. She’d already taken them for granted, it wasn’t her choice anymore, but it still felt like the right option was so hard to make. To stop clinging onto a person she drove to near  _ insanity _ for a  _ boy _ and to be collected and forthcoming, but-

She let out a pathetic laugh, almost mocking. She felt a new array of tears forming, these bittersweet. 

“I’m- so, so happy you’re here Yuri. I thought I couldn’t- I thought you were gone.”

She felt the stiffened body she was shifted against begin to relax, she heard a soft breath, and what was by no mistake the start of a word that never went spoken. Yuri was silent for a good while, before Monika felt a warm present embrace her back. It was soft, hesitant at first, but soon she felt herself being pulled in deeper into a comfort she didn’t deserve. But she indulged Anyways, at least for the moment. That’s all she needed, a moment, just a little before it would inevitably be torn away.

“I’m...happy to see you too, Monika…” Her voice was soft. It wavered slightly, reeking of anxiety. It was admirable just how much Monika could make a tint of forced firmness, like Yuri was trying to be comforting and calm. That tone was quickly diminished from Yuri’s voice. “A-Ahh- uhm- are...M-Monika?..”

Monika slowly pulled back, a dry chuckle making its way up from a needy part of her chest as it ached. That was enough for now.

It wasn’t, it never would be. But it would have to be enough for now.

She whipped at her eyes, taking in a breath as she looked back at Yuri, the remnants of an abashed smile forming on her face as she took notice of the new wet spot implanted on Yuri’s blazer where she had been. 

“I’m- g-gosh I’m sorry Yuri.” She giggled lightly, sniffling pathetically. Her mind whirling from her emotional high. “That- I guess I’m a little worked up right. I didn’t mean to m-make you uncomfortable.”

Yuri’s hand founds their way towards her hair, her left twirling a misplaced strand of her hair while the right stepped over onto her shoulder. She was sitting comfortably now, her legs crossed as she glanced to the side. Looking anxious again. Her gaze quickly skittered back to the floor after looking off into the black void around them, her face nervous and solemn.

“.....”

“You can be honest Yuri- I mean- I guess I have some...e-explaining to do, but- I’m sure you're pretty confused now. Right?”

Yuri glanced back up at Monika, a very faint flushing of her cheeks drawing in Monika’s attention further.

“To be frank I...I was more perturbed by y-you than the classroom.”

The smile from her lips vanished as Monika felt stripped for air, the brief silence hanging for an eternity.

“You’re always so- c-confident. I-it was a little off putting for you to just…” She paused, looking back up with a slightly panicked expression. “N-not to say you did anything wrong! I was- erm, am- overwhelmed too. It was just- v-very odd to be greeted to that...to all of- this.”

Monika felt her heart start back up again, but just barely. It was all but a painful reminder on what she’d be needing to do in just a little bit. Or at least, explain further. Yuri was clearly dancing around the topic. She laughed humorlessly.

“I suppose you’d want to discuss it all?”

“S-should I want to?...” Yuri looked unsure, seeming to be genuinely asking.

“That would probably help in making sense of all this for you.”

Yuri seemed to muse it over, biting her lip. Her hands had repositioned onto her forarms, wrapping them around in a self hug as she gently rubbed along from her wrists to her elbow.

“I-I’d suppose so…” she muttered after a small break. It wasn’t like Monika hadn’t been expecting this, the confusion and fear and uncertainty, but it was so much more- worse than she imagined. She hated watching Yuri like that.

It was almost too real. Because it was. Her friend, all her friends, were real. Their feelings on the situation was, just as the pain she caused them had been.

She pushed the thoughts away momentarily, sucking in a breath.

“You might not believe me, but- we're in a game.” 

—————————————

It was almost astounding how much better Yuri was taking it then she would’ve thought. She hated it.

It wasn’t to say she took it well, she had been in a pitiful state of denial for all of what was a few minutes as Monika started explaining. But the world was far too corrupt for any other explanation Yuri holstered to make any sense. Her posture slumped and she went quiet as Monika continued on, more quiet than she would normally have been. 

The look of brief hopelessness on her face as Monika explained how they were trapped to a limited world, she pitiful, deep look of saddened acceptance in the girls eyes as Monika explained how the world had been nearly deleted and the salvaged parts were before them (albeit with  _ key _ details on how they got to this point left out.) Yuri’s memory as a whole seemed to be flakey, remembering hardly anything but bits and piece of act 2, confusing the first and second consistently. Though, most of the horrific moments she’d caused seemed to be absent from the girls memory from how she spoke about the club room. Her last recalled memory was simply being in a lucid dreaming like state, a dull pain aching at her in a black nothingness, until a few minutes ago when she said much more painful experience rushed through her as she quickly became overstimulated seemingly from nothing. She only vaguely recalled hearing Monika, and then woke up in the room a few moments later. 

The silent thoughtfulness of the taller girl spoke volumes as Monika finished explaining how their friends were lost to the code for the time being and how their clubroom was scattered all the same and how Yuri was recalling events from more than one play through. Monika couldn’t help but notice as Yuri’s hands lightly scratched at her sleeves, grip tightening.it was subtle, she could see the restraint in the girls movements, but it clearly wasn’t enough.

“S-so...this...this is what it is? O-our...home now?” Yuri whispered without a stable voice. Monika nodded back solemnly. 

“I’m not sure what’s left that I...or- we could fix. But for right now, this room is all that’s left.”

“A-Ahh..”

More scratching from Yuri’s side, the girl shifting uncomfortably. Monika felt a soft unease wittlintnaway at her silence. She knew Yuri was stressing out, and she knew how Yuri tended to take care of it. She knew how hard it was for the girl to stop, perhaps too much, in seeing just how ingrained it was to her character file when she’d first begun meddling. 

“If you’re...stressed Yuri and need to  _ relieve _ yourself I won’t- I understand it’s hard. S-so...whatever you need to cope is- fine.” She hesitated. “ Right now. I wont judge or- you...Know?.” Monika finished awkwardly, not even sure of what she was supposed to be expressing or truly offering. She turned back to Yuri’s glance and- that was not a very comforting face. The poor girl looked near mortified. She understood the unease but was the offer so-

...so…

….

She wasn’t supposed to know about that, even with her knowledge on how the world worked. Monika mentally backpettled.

“I’m sorry I- I just...saw one of your sprites, in your character file and- I guess I saw your...t-thing?” Monika swallowed thickly, lying through her teeth. How was she suppose to describe such a thing anyways? “I didn’t mean to be brash I- just if you’re uncomfortable and feel you need to, there's-“

“No. No- no it’s...it’s fine. P-please, don’t mention it.” Yuri sputtered out, an unerved tone to her voice. Her words shaky. “I’ll be okay- j-just please forget it Monika.” 

“Yuri-“

“ _ Please _ .”

Monika subsides, guilt beginning to claw back at her from inside as she slumped back. She chided herself. She had no right to a pity party, it was her own fault she caused all this, her own fault she made Yuri uncomfortable. They just needed a switch in topic, a needed topic. Monika stood up after what felt like forever, a light sensation of pine and needles in her legs. She didn’t even know she could feel that.

“I’m...trying to repair what I can. I-I’ve been manly focusing on you all, and I’m really, really glad I managed to fix you Yuri. But I need to keep working at the others and the club room and-“

“H-how did this even happen…”

Monika’s throat tightened, her mouth went dry and she clamped up. She wasn’t ready to face it yet, she truly wasn’t. It seemed Yuri hadn’t even meant it as anything more than a rhetorical question, but as her gaze crept up on her the curiosity and questionative nature of her expression was the nail in the coffin for Monika. She turned her head slightly, she couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“D-do you know Monika?..” Yuri asked eith w soft spoken comfort. “Was...was MC the one that- or, er, the PLAYER, the one who caused this?..”

It would be so easy to say yes.

Yuri had no way to fact check, there were no logs that far back. They had made it abundantly clear in their soft deletion of the game that they weren’t coming back. The player was such an easy scapegoat, it would’ve been effortless to say it was them. Easier even, to explain.

But no.

“N-no...it-“

She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she let the sleeping dog lie. Talking amongst them like she’d done nothing. Even if it was just Yuri for a start.

“I-I…”

“...you?..what happened Monika?...”

“I caused- t-this.”

It felt swallowing fire as she paused, mouth dry as could be as her insides burned eith a fuzzy, tingling pain. Yuri looked at her skeptically, eyes not her judge mental or fearful, even if they ought to be.”

“I did- this, Yuri. I messed this up.” Monika’s voice cracked. She opened it again, but the words couldn’t find their way out. Not coherently for a few moments. “I never meant- this- it’s not what I wanted. I can’t- even know if I can fix it all now.” 

Yuri stood as Monika looked down, unable to meet her gaze.

“It’s a-all my-“

“It’s...okay.”

The air was out of her lungs faster than she cared to admit. She didn’t understand, she couldn’t. Yuri hadn’t even heard her out and yet-

“What.”

“I-it’s okay Monika.”

Yuri looked saddened, maybe even a little...sympathetic? But how? Had she not heard her?

“You...you seem far more involved in this than I could ever hope to be. I’m not particularly...computer smart. But- if I had been left with such a power, I wouldn’t know how to handle it either.”

Yuri looked back to her, frown softening.

“N-not that I’m implying you did harm or abused it’s power- I...I don’t know what happened or what you think was so- distasteful, but it’s hard to imagine anybody being able to do right with such a power. J-just hearing you talk about creating and destroying worlds as people like it’s- so common.” Yuri shook lightly. “I couldn’t even comprehend how hard that is to control. I-it’s okay Monika.”

“You don’t- even know how- what I did.” Monika’s tone rose, a mix between hysterics and a rising anger. If anything, towards herself. “How can you say it’s okay! It’s all-“

“You can t-tell me, Monika. I-if you want.” Yuri Quickly tacked on the last part, her hands fiddling down by her waist. It was deeply disturbing to Monika just how hard this girl looked to be trying, shy, insecure Yuri, to comfort and offer her solace. Offer sympathy and a helping hand to the monster that  _ murdered _ them all. Even if she didn’t know it. She didn’t know if she was bewildered or going to be violently sick.

“W-we all have things were not proud of- and things we’d rather...n-not discuss. B-but- uhm, just as you...Ahh, clarified. I...I wouldn’t j-judge you Monika, truly. It’s not a b-black and white situation. I’m sure.”

She felt like she was purposely being ripped apart from inside to out. She was wrong, so wrong. You couldn’t not judge a homicidal  _ maniac _ , she killed her  _ friends _ to try and communicate with what was more or less a god out of her reach for no other reason than a need for validation in another person. There were no cliff notes or alternative motives to the situation. She had done something purposefully horribly, knowledgeably, because she thought it all held no meaning. She could’ve simply deleted all 3 at the beginning, spared the pain, or even just proceeded as the game intended. Like the PLAYER had wanted. But she didn’t. The situation was as cut and dry as could be; and yet Yuri was trying to claim she would be there regardless and that Monika was worthy of that kindness despite it. 

She didn’t know what to say. She was honestly afraid of puking if she dwelled any longer on it. Her entire body’s reaction felt close to getting violent on the recollection of Yuri’s death as she looked back into those concerned eyes. The same eyes that had been lifeless when she walked into the clubroom at the end of act 3, and  _ laughed _ about it lightly.

“T-thank you.” She whimpered. That was all she could say. What else was there to say? She wasn’t strong enough to admit it all right there, but she wasn’t indulgent enough to embrace what Yuri was trying to give her. Maybe this was her self appointed torture she was doomed to deserve. 

“Let’s- s-sorry I just want to focus on- this. I was going to ask for your...your help, with the others and the club. And I’m sure there’s so much that-“

“Monika…”

She hated that soothing concerned voice. She hated it. She hated it so much.

“I...I don’t know how- this works, how  _ we _ work. But- I don’t mean to be blunt but you look horrid. Is- this all you’ve been doing?...have you rested since you’ve gotten here?..” Yuri took a swift glance around. “There’s...only a chair in here. I-is there anywhere to sleep?...or- food?..”

“We don’t need food or water.” Monika quickly blurted out. “W-we can eat but I don’t think we actually need-“

“But you still need rest. It’s as clear as can be.” Yuri wounded slightly more stern, motherly even. She took a few steps closer scratching lightly at her cheek. “A-again I don’t...dont want to overstep but- it truly shows on your face Monika. You look exhausted, e-even if you’re absolutely sure we don’t need t-the essentials like food or water- surly we have some bodily needs? If we can feel pain or bleed or…. cry, then we almost certainly need to take care of our bodies in some way.” Yuri sighed softly, that same concerned pitiful look on her face. 

“I’m still not...very adjusted t-to all this?” Yuri swallowed thickly, her more stoic tone starting to lose its bravado. “Perhaps I d-don’t have the full picture, but- even if I’m wrong I’d like to think we’re real enough to still have needs- even if th...they’re artificial. And one of those is rest. And you look like you need it Monika, if not for your physicality than your emotional well being.”

Monika’s mine whirled on ways to deflect or excuse the topic. Not even just to push off the topic because she was stubborn. She didn’t know how she could rest, knowing that the others are still lost to the code. She hardly found herself some moments of ease when bringing Yuri back briefly, but if she was allowed to let her mind drift off and stopped focusing on fixing it all, she was worried where it might head. She couldn’t stop working, she didn’t  _ want _ to. Working and failing made her feel useless, but not working at all to fix what she’d damaged? She couldn’t. 

“Yuri please- I- I understand your angle but I need...to fix- this.” Monika motioned her arms to everything. “Natsuki and Sayori, they’re both still- out there. And I have so much I need to do for them- and the clubroom, and our world- and I need to teach you too so you-“

“Monika-“

“I NEED to Yuri!” She exploded, cutting off Yuri before she had the chance to further try and excuse her. Her hands raised, gripping her head beneath her ragged white bow. Yuri didn’t understand how much she truly needed to work on fixing this. All of it. “The longer I let it be is just- just- I want it all fixed for you- us! All of us! You don’t deserve to just- be stuck in this- this void! It’s not fair to you!”

A thick silence drifted between the two as Monika averted her gaze. She felt bad for losing control but- she needed Yuri to understand. This was her responsibility, she couldn’t just-

“If...that’s what you truly want Monika. T...to make it up and help us, then that’s even further reason for you to rest.”

“What?..” Monika sputtered, shaking her head: “Yuri thats-“

“Maybe it makes me- w-weird.” Yuri quickly raised her voice, cutting Monika off. “But- even if I was initially perturbed, this room isn’t...horrible. I’d even say the atmosphere it has is- is interesting. If a l-little disturbing, being in a game, but what I’ve just in this room is almost...p-partly inspiring. To be truthful, I’d like to be back at the club- o-or my own home, but I don’t  _ dislike _ it here.”

Monika furrowed her brows.

“What does that have to do with this Yuri?..”

“It’s- suitable. Is what I’m saying. Y-you can’t fix it all in a day Monika. From how you described things it sounds as if you’ve been here a little while and- I know you’re k-keen on perfection, but you don’t need to rush this. Even if my state beforehand had been uncomfortable- p-putting it I’m layman’s terms, it wasn’t that bad. While none of this is desirable, it’s not...catastrophic. I-I know if Sayori we’re here right now she’d be advising you all the same on taking a moment just- to breath. E-even if Natsuki and I didn’t see eye to eye all the time, I have the feeling she’d be against your working ethics at the moment as well.”

Monika shook her head. Neither of them would ever say that, Yuri wouldn’t even, not if she knew the true servarity of the situation on how they’d arrived here. How it all happened, and why she was truly responsible for it all. They’d have far much more of a problem with her ethics than Yuri believed. Part of her life wanted to fall into the alluring option, to accept Yuri’s proposition. But- she just- she’d already been so selfish already. Not even just in her past actions, but in today’s. 

“I understand Yuri but I just- I can’t. I don’t want to procrastinate on your well being or- any of theirs. I just  _ can’t _ .”

Yuri went silent again, a thoughtful expression back on her face as she pursued her lips. She looked back up at Monika.

“A-alright. Let’s...compromise.”

“How?..”

“You mentioned that- y-you wanted to teach me? Right? How...how to edit the games...code?” 

Yuri approached Monika, glancing around the room. Seemingly looking for the aforementioned code. Monika nodded.

“You- it’s good to know, Yuri. Not because I’d expect you to help just- I-if I weren’t here you should know how to edit things if a problem came up. It’s the sole reason I was able to fix what little I have or...you.”

Despite her want for help prior, she found herself growing more distant from the idea of her friends helping rebuild the code. Part of it was once again, that growing guilt in her chest. But- maybe part of it was the hope that if she fixed it all, all herself, that might be enough to earn some level of forgiveness, or maybe even make a slight amends of sort. It was flakey, and once she came clean it probably wouldn’t mean a thing. It was more selfish than it was selfless but...god, she truly was pathetic.

“...o-okay. How about you teach me then. And once you have, you can take a break and rest, and while you do I-“

“No- no Yuri you don’t have too.” Monika whined almost childishly. Already following her trail of thought. “You don’t have to pick up my slack if I do.”

“I want to! H-honestly! I want to help, truly. It’s no b-burden to me. It...w-would give me something to do, it would be a good thing for me, truly. And...e-even if I’m copacetic with living-  _ here _ , for the time being. I can’t help but want to maybe...try and salvage some of what’s lost. I-if you were able to salvage a person and an entire room, I’d thought maybe I’d be able to scavenge for some objects as well? S-something to make this place more...homey, I suppose. Besides, you’d be a lot more efficient if you were well rested, wouldn’t you?..”

Monika found her resolve weakening, if not from just how sincere Yuri sounded, if a little nervous. It sounded nice truly, just a little bit of luxury back to make this place feel more like the old clubroom. She loved her friends, truly, but she loved the literature club as well. The idea of just a bit of clarity for her mind, knowing she was doing precisely what someone else wanted before testing. Maybe it would be enough? But...should she really? 

…

“All...right. I’ll- agree to those terms, Yuri.” 


	4. Even if It’s Painful, I Don’t Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika relives through some unpleasant memories, but it’s all in the past, and all but a dream. Her reality right now as actually turning up, it’s nice, it’s almost comfortable even. But- it cant last, surly. She needs to come clean eventually.
> 
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! Here we go. A little bit of a big one, along with some general updates. Needed to edit the tags just a tad for this part specifically. I’m sure if you’ve played the game I'm sure you at least partly know where I’m headed. Or at least have an idea. 
> 
> Also, tackling the ever elusive conversation between Sayori and Monika. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, so I hope It turns out well!
> 
> Hope you enjoy ;)

_“So you wanted to talk to me Monika?”_

_“Ahh- yes! Nothing too serious, just wanted to ask you about MC.”_

_Monika shut the clubroom door with a light click. The pastel hair colored girl aside her seemed to light up quite a bit at his mention. Monika herself wouldn’t have noticed the change if it wasn’t so forced. She wasn’t lying when she’d told her just how she wanted to ask about MC, their brief conversation the day before while exchanging poems made her exactly aware how little she knew about them. Of course she knew hardly any about the PLAYER, but oddly, despite their seeming connection, she didn’t know much about the MC either. If she wanted to play her part better and help them get more comfortable and talkative around her, it would be really helpful to actually_ **_know_ ** _something about the PLAYERS stand in character. At least as a start._

_But- aside from that, she wanted Sayori away from MC. They hardly seemed to notice, but if they did, it would be pretty clear Sayori was quite the downer. Everything with her was less charismatic then usually, more forcibly peppy, but not quite as interactive. She could tell the PLAYER had taken a bit of notice. She supposed she was partly concerned with how Sayori’s downcast mood may affect the PLAYER, but honestly, she was more so concerned with any revelations it might have. She knew Sayori was scripted to have feelings for the PLAYER. She just...had little idea on how she might act on them. Sayori seemed fairly resilient against making a move_ **_now_ ** _, but if she was in a more vulnerable state near him? Monika wasn’t so sure, she knew of all the love tropes. She was simply taking an extra precaution._

_Speaking of Sayori, she’d been staring at her intently for the past few seconds. Monika shook of her daze, smiling wide, fabricating an abashed expression. Maybe she didn’t need to play the part outside the PLAYERS vision, she wasn’t sure, but she was still kind of new to this whole “coding” thing. She didn’t want to risk messing up the script too badly by being blunt or dismissive of the dynamics she was supposed to have._

_“MC?”_

_“Ahah! Yeah- I just wanted to know more about him! This is a little embarrassing to admit but- I don’t actually recall all that much about him from last year when we had a class together. It felt a little awkward yesterday talking to him, like he was intimidated of me- so I just wanted something I could latch onto so I can connect better with him. So he’s comfortable.”_

_She scanned over Sayori’s features. Her smile never left, but her mouth opened slightly before clamping shut. She looked thoughtful, slightly conflicted even. Monika could see past those empty eyes, it’s not as if she couldn’t tell what was going on in that predetermined head of Sayori’s. She knew about the depression, and her “rain clouds” as she called them, she could practically see them brewing. Though- she wondered what exactly tipped them off in what she’d said?_

_“Ahh...you’re...really kind to try and do that Monika, and I hate to disappoint but I don’t- know too much. Me and MC just walked in today for the first time in a while! We’ve been a little out of touch…”_

_Sayori smushed the tips of her fingers together with a pout downcast towards the ground. Monika hummed, she genuinely didn’t know that. It was partly annoying, but maybe a good thing. If the PLAYER perceived their relationship as stagnant, he might be less inclined to hang out with her. She tucked that tidbit away for future reference._

_“I’m sorry to hear that Sayori- but, are you sure you don’t know anything? It does seem like you bribed him into joining the club, so surely you know something interesting about him?”_

_Monika was fairly sure there was a growing guilt in that increasingly fake smile. Her peppy tone was so forced, it was almost awkward for her to act like it was untouchable._

_“Uhm...maybe a little? I know he likes Anime, but...other than that he’s a total neet! I don’t think he’s done anything for a while outside his house other than the club today..”_

_Monika couldn’t help but laugh lightly. “A neet? You sure are good at talking him up to me Sayori- did you tell him that to get him out of the house, Hmm?”_

_…_

_Huh…_

_Monika wasn’t expecting that look on Sayori’s face, it looked like her little facade was actually breaking. She hadn’t even meant to pick into it. Had she actually?_

_“M-maybe….do you think I was too mean?..”_

_Huh, she had. It was typical Sayori really, he’d said far worse to her, even in a joking manner, just the first day he’d arrived. It was just like her to think too much of simple teasing._

_….._

_Hmmm…_

_But, maybe she didn’t have to know that._

_“it_ **_does_ ** _sound a little harsh coming from you. Have you done it before?”_

_“I-“ Sayori faltered, actually frowning for the first time. Finally- a little bit of transparency was_ **_so_ ** _much less awkward. Even if it was just scripted. “I guess I...might’ve over the years- I was just trying to get him to join clubs though! So he could go off and...socialize! I’d hate for him to spend his life alone if-...if he never went out and met people, y-you know?”_

_The poor girl looked so concerned. It almost made her feel a little guilty. Like the same guilt you’d get from telling your dog no to a game of fetch when you have far better things to do. This was simply too good an opportunity to help wedge her way in, even if her damned game didn’t want her too._

_“Maybe that’s why you- well, forgive me for saying, grew more stagnant? Maybe he just needed some time to break out of his shell, it’s not always the best case to rush someone. He might need space, you know?”_

_“A-Ahh…” Sayori stared at her blankly, looking like she’d just been punched to the gut. “That- makes a lot of sense…”_

_“By the way, are you feeling alright Sayori?”_

_The girl quickly snapped out of her stupor, flying back on her more neutral expression._

_“Yeah I’m- just...t-tired today. I’m always oversleeping. It’s nothing really!”_

_Monika hummed, unable to push down the small little smile on her face. Finally, some real opportunity._

_“Maybe you should consider going home sooner? You don’t look too well. It wouldn’t be a huge deal, honestly! We could manage without you, and you would have the time to rest better, maybe knock out your homework sooner. Hmm?” Monika paused for a moment. “And- maybe I’m overstepping. But maybe it would be nice for MC to walk home alone today, he might feel forced to go back with you, since you live so close together. Again- the whole need some space and time thing, just food for thought!”_

_Again- she almost felt guilty seeing that forlorn look briefly wash over Sayori’s strained facade. But she brought it back, almost seeming- genuinely thankful._

_“I think...you’re right Monika. Ahh- about MC. I really wanted to share my poem today but- m-maybe I should go home early...I feel kind of sick…”_

_“It’s very understandable. You do whatever you feel comfortable with Sayori, don’t let us hold you back if you need to leave to take care of yourself!”_

_Sayori nodded, seeming to take a moment to pep herself back up. She sighed lightly, taking the door handle as Monika looked off across the hall. She’d return to the club room in just a minute, first she wanted-_

_“Hey Monika?”_

_She turned back towards Sayori, smiling charismatically on que._

_“Mhm?”_

_“Thank you for not leaving me hanging. You really helped me.”_

_The words “You’re welcome” danced on Monika’s lips for all but a moment before dissolving completely as she froze. She blinked. Something- something felt really off about that statement._ **_She_ ** _felt really off, uneasy even. She wasn’t even sure why- nothing had even…_

_Was the hall always this quiet? Where had the music gone?_

_“Sorry- what...what did you say Sayori?”_

_“Why...why won’t you leave me alone?”_

_Monika blinked again, dazed as a growing flow of emotions brewed in her. An actual tangible fear, guilt even. Real guilt. What...what was happening._

_Sayori was smiling bittersweetly, almost looking to be blinking away tears._

_“Sayori- what-“_

_“I’m so happy things are going to get better for him- you’ve helped so much- but- It hurts so much. I can’t even be alone for a moment. All the voices they’re- they’re so loud Monika.”_

_“Sayori-“_

_“And they all sound_ **_so. Much. Like. You._ ** _”_

_Monika swallowed down her rising nerves. She felt nauseated. She couldn’t understand what was happening. It felt so familiar, but so dreadful._

_“I don’t understand-“_

_“They lied to me.”_

_Monika was quick to notice the hall falling apart around her, textures folding in on themselves revealing the blackened void yet again. Sayori wasn’t in her uniform anymore, now striped down to the same outfit she’d-_

_No. No no no. What- this wasn’t supposed to happen. She hadn’t remembered this in the general scripts at all. Why was there a noose sprite and- was that blood on Sayori’s fingertips? Her neck?_

_“They said it would be so easy- and...and it was. Tying it and setting it up. It was easy.”_

_Sayori laughed mirthlessly, coiling a rope in her hands into a noose slowly but surely. Her face seemingly damp with stained tears from nowhere. The noose latched onto some point above Monika couldn’t see, infinitely expanding upward. Swaying side to side._

_“But then the voices- they said it would be so quick, that step two was just as easy as the first.”_

_Sayori stepped up on something Monika couldn’t recognize, putting her head through the noises loop. Monika couldn’t find it in her to move or speak anymore, even though she desperately wanted to. She couldn’t do anything, she didn’t understand. She didn’t want this. Why- why was she so powerless?_

_“But it...wasn’t. It was so-_ **_painful_ ** _. They said even a mistake like me couldn’t do wrong with such an easy feat but- it took 2 minutes instead of just 1 second before it was over. Just like everything else, I ruined it. I had all that time to think about it- what I did. it was so much harder that way.”_

_Monika felt her cheeks start to dampen too, she was crying. But- she still couldn’t do anything!_

_“I thought I might have something like in movies where your life flashes before your eyes...right as you die, you know?...one last go around of all the good things I had, even if I wasn’t one of them.”_

_Please...Sayori…_

_“But I didn’t. It wasn’t blissful, and there weren't any memories or wistful thoughts. Just_ **_panic, dread, and regret._ ** _”_

_Stop- stop, please Sayori…_

_“I always wondered what I’d see in my final moments, what I’d think about. I never thought I wouldn’t have a choice in it though…”_

_Don’t- please. This- I want to go back…_

_“Do you know what I saw, Monika?”_

_No…_

_“_ **_All.”_ **

_Please…_

_“_ **_I saw.”_ **

_Don’t!_

**_“̸̛̩̤̕W̶̥̹̎̀̄̓̓.̵̰̞̓̓̾a̴̲͚͚̙̙̼̎͂̽.̴̧̥͚̼̀͆͊̐̕͝s̶̥͆̀̀ ̵̢̟̲̂̃͒͂̾͠ͅỸ̶̡͚̯͇̜̔̇͘͘͠.̷̮̩̰͔̤͛͘ỏ̴̥̌̈̎̆̋.̶̧̩̹͖̿ů̷̱̩̓́̆͝.̷̰̓̈́͊͐”̴̧̰̫̋̍̀͌͗̕_ **

_————————————_

“SAYORI!”

Monika sat up in a cold sweat, face pale as she panted. She took a hurried glance around and she...she…

She was back in the classroom. The one in the void- and...she felt hot. Really- hot.

She shifted and tossed off...blankets? The floor too it felt- soft. She took a glance down, she was on a mattress. One that looked straight from a bed. She- didn’t understand. Was it all a nightmare? It- had to be, but she didn’t fall asleep in a bed. What had…

….

Her eyes scanned back over the room, taking notice of a startled looking Yuri. She was hovered over a pot of tea, now in her casual clothes she’d been in with the PLAYER, over a small classroom desk. All things Monika sweat hadn’t been in the room before, but- Yuri was here. The last thing she remembered was accompanying Yuri next to the game's open source code, giving her little pointers on how to speed up and make the coding more efficient, just little tips, as Yuri had taken to it rather quick. 

Had she dozed off?

She sat up fully, standing up off of the mattress. Her blazer felt so- so constricting on her. Her body was on fire, it was so warm. She remembered how much she craved this kind of feeling just hours prior but- now it was unbearable. 

“Monika! I’m- im so sorry! I had thought you might want something soft and warm to sleep in, a-and I couldn’t find anything casual for you in the sprites s-so I thought a blanket might do you well and I had gotten you a bed too since I thought something basic like that would’ve been good but you look so pale and probably-“

“Yuri- Yuri please slow- slow down. It’s...okay. What did you do?”

Yuri looked away shyly. Guilt on her face.

“After you...passed out, I wanted to make the place feel more “at home” like I’d stated previously. B-but I figured a good place to start would be comfort items in stuff like beds and blankets...a-and tea. But- I didn’t think it through enough when I got you situated, since I couldn’t find your casual clothes like I had mine in the files, and now you’ve overheated and- Uuuu…” 

The girl covered her face partly with her bangs, glancing away. Voice trailing off as she averted her gaze. Monika sighed lightly.

“It’s not a big deal Yuri, really. It’s- thank you for being considerate. You were trying to do something nice, it’s not your fault, really.”

She sent a slightly strained smile Yuri’s way, mind still hyper focused on her heat and partly on her nightmare. Or- well, could she call it a nightmare even? It was practically just a retelling of events. Just..maybe in a different order. She wasn’t even sure any part of it was inherently false. She probably had caused Sayori that much pain, she was sure of it. She could recall just how startling Sayori’s final poem had been, she was expecting something...blank, or half assed. Not a cry for help.

She should’ve realized sooner about Sayori’s true nature. About all of theirs. They had all been so much similar than Monika had wanted to give credit for. 

“Right….if...if you insist, but- uhm. Would you like to talk about what seemed to s-startle you so much?”

“Startle me?”

Yuri blinked, looking aside guiltily. 

“I didn’t intend to listen in, truly! but- t-this room is awfully...limiting on where we can go. I heard you murmuring a little in your sleep- and you seemed distressed, but I tried to leave it be because I thought you wouldn’t like being disturbed but- you’d just woken up a few seconds ago and you s-shouted out for Sayori...”

Monika felt a pit settle in her gut, she wasn’t aware that….that had happened aloud.

“Oh….uhm….it- wasn’t that big a deal Yuri, just-“

“No, no it’s okay Monika! You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I- uuuu...I’m sorry if I came across as pushy, if you don’t wish to discuss your dream you don’t need to.”

Yuri frowned lightly, looking at her with an almost confident look. It was reassuring too. It was such an odd change of pace, seeing Yuri so….so….actually, she didn’t know what was so nice about it. Yuri was a smart girl, she didn’t have any doubts she was emotionally intelligent either, even if that made her get in her own head at times. It really shouldn’t have come to her as a surprise that she wouldn’t make her talk if she was uncomfortable.

That wouldn’t last forever of course. She’d need to be uncomfortable, cause she needed to tell her the truth. It was inevitable. But for now-

“Thank you Yuri. It was just a bad dream, but- I could maybe tell you some other time. For now though, you mentioned tea didn’t you?”

————————

Monika let out a small little sigh, a smile creeping onto her face as she set down her little cup back onto the desk, her insides tingling pleasantly from the warmth and taste of the tea. Yuri pour her own glass before setting the kettle aside, sitting at the only chair left in the room. There was a lack of a second, simply because one had never existed previously in the room, and Yuri was apologetic about it. She said she hadn’t quite figured out how to put together a sprite that complex yet. She had very nervously asked if she herself could take the only chair, stating she was having a little bit of pain from standing so much. Which was flimsy, but Monika didn’t push it. She knew the real reason Yuri needed to ask, she couldn’t help but genuinely smile a little from the ordeal.

“It tastes great Yuri. You’ve still got it!”

The girl turned her face away just a little, a small little grin appearing from both sides of the messy strands of hair over her face.

“It was nothing- truly. A-almost literally. It’s very...odd. I found that I can simply spawn in the tea in unlimited quantities, and I can’t really actually mix anything to make it. I just...followed the steps I would’ve to brew it, and just spawned it in the container.” She pursed her lips. “I’m still getting use to all this- it’s very weird. But- Ahh...maybe I’m weird for still doing the steps? They’re not necessary anymore..”

“No no- I get it really. It’s good to have some consistency. If it makes you happy to do something in an unconventional way Yuri, it’s perfectly valid.”

Yuri chuckled softly, face flushing just a tad.

“Is that your writing tip of the day, Monika?”

Monika truly hadn’t meant to snort there. It was so unbefitting of her. But- Yuri caught her off guard. The heat rising to her cheeks was quite more noticeable than she would’ve liked. She hadn’t felt so genuinely engaged in a conversation like this in- well, as long as she could recall. Even with the PLAYER it was mostly one way. So to hear a small little remark sent her way in a two way talk was such a fresh change of pace. Thank god she hadn’t been sipping from the tea.

“Augh- sorry I’m- you know I suppose it could be Yuri!”

She laughed lightly as Yuri did the same, the two drifting in a small little comfortable silence, drinking from their tea. It was nice.

“Hey, Monika?...”

“Mhm?”

“I’m sorry if I’m intruding but...ahh, I wanted to ask something?”

“Shoot.”

Monika turned back to Yuri with a grin that quickly faltered, seeing the more somber look placed back in the girls face. She soon realized just exactly what Yuri has said and- oh. 

Oh. This- might be it.

Yuri might ask something that she wouldn’t have an answer too, like how she got here or what exactly happened. Maybe she could try and push the question off for a time being, or make some excuse but-

It was coming soon, she knew it. And after it did, she’d need to come clean. 

This might be the first and last real friendly conversation she’d have.

“I wanted to ask you why...m-me...I...I suppose?”

“...why you?”

Yuri nodded slowly, Monika did mental gymnastics with the question. More confused now than she was dreadful.

“I don’t think I understand the question Yuri.”

The girl looked towards the desk nervously. Taking her teacup and holding it steady.

“I mean- why...did you bring me back? Or- uuu, that sounds bad...I mean- first.”

“What?”

“You’d brought me back first. R-right?”

Monika slowly nodded, feeling uneasy as she started to realize the question. An empty feeling settling inside her. She began to realize she had no real answer without context, the context she was so afraid of sharing.

“Yeah- yeah...I did.”

“How come did you choose...m-me first?”

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence this time, Yuri fidgeting lightly as Monika’s head swirled. She had no real answer, not unless she explained the full story. She couldn’t just say “because I thought you'd be the least likely to hate me the most between you and Natauki, and Sayori’s-

D̸̢̨̼̱̦̻̜̤͙̖̮͓̯̯͈̾̋̽̑̃͘͝͝.̴̯̥̼̗͓̤͖͍̫̀̍͌͘͠ę̸̨͉͍̮̠̦͈͈̟͓̪̜̠̯̀̽̈́̋̈́.̶͎͋̋̍͐̀̓͠͠a̸͕̱̞̣͇̱͂̑.̴͍̳̗͎͖̞̗̼͎̑̆̈̍d̸̨̢̛̗̼̳̞̯͚͚̫̦͒͜ͅ

  
  


-broken.”

….

“Uuuu...I’m- im sorry that’s a real awkward question now that I think about it. You don’t have to answer- I just-“

“No, no Yuri it’s...fine...it’s fine.”

Monika sighed deeply, her emotions filling out inside with a kind of acceptance weighing heavy on her.

“Monika?...”

“I think-“

“I think I should tell you everything that happened Yuri.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry for leaving you all hanging with the end.
> 
> Okay now I’m sorry.


	5. Even if I Expected it, I Do Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time to come clean. Monika isn’t sure if she’s ready; or if Yuri’s ready, but she has to do this. If she doesn’t- she’ll never be content, and Yuri won’t be either. Even in her worse case scenario, this is for the best. If anything, it’ll be expected.
> 
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Finally! I’m sorry this part took a little longer than I would’ve hoped it too, but I wanted to try and make it just right. I’m not completely happy with it- but it’s something. Hope you all didn’t mind the gap between parts too much. I’ll try not to let too long go by next time, haha!
> 
> Also a brief TW on this chapter for self-harm. It’s brief, but there, so it’s of note. I mean...this is DDLC, so I’m sure most of you can assume what it’s for and are accustomed to it, but I thought it would be better to be safe than sorry.
> 
> Also, I wanted to say thanks for sticking with me, all of you. I appreciate even those of you just silently popping by, truly. I’d never thought something like this would get so much attention. For my first real attempt at writing on this site, 400 hits is a lot! Gets me all giddy inside. I’m truly thankful <3
> 
> Anyways. Hope you enjoy ;)

“You don’t need to do anything if it makes you uncomfortable Monika. T-truly. I hadn’t meant to p-push you into a situation or anything..”

Yuri’s voice fell to a gentle whisper as Monika shook her head.

“No. That doesn’t matter. You...you deserve to know Yuri, I have no doubt you will want to. Anybody would. It’s not fair that I keep you from the truth.”

Yuri looked conflicted, but didn’t object directly. She looked down, twirling her finger in her hair again.

“I...just...you seem conflicted Monika. I don’t want to make you s-say anything you’re unwilling too. We...we all have our dirty secrets don’t we?”

Monika sucked in a breath, nodding her head slowly as she was acutely aware of what Yuri was mentioning, subconsciously moving her free hand to hold gently rub at her forearm.

“We do. But this- is more than that. I caused all this.”

“Any person would have made a mistake with such a drastic situation. It’s not-“

“Stop trying to excuse me! You don’t even know what I did!”

Monika lashed out suddenly as her patience boiled over, causing the timid girl to quickly shush up, looking stricken for words now. Another wave of guilt flew in, but Monika wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. It seemed clear Yuri didn’t particularly want to hear about what bar things she might’ve done, or was at least willing to excuse them without the knowledge of what they were. But she simply couldn’t let Yuri live in ignorance, even if it would have been a blissful one. There would be so many things she’d never be able to explain if they didn’t understand what she did, their situation apart from that. And the idea of living side by side by the people she **_murdered_ ** as they were all the more unknowing horrified her. She didn’t know how she could live like that, _if_ she could live like that, even if she wanted to. Oh and she so desperately wanted to, to return to what normalcy they could like it never happened. But she couldn’t, because it did.

She wasn’t sure if it was selfish to try and force this knowledge onto Yuri or selfless to not keep her in the dark. Either way, neither would be happy in the end. But Monika had long sense destroyed any semblance of a happy ending for the literature club, even if just for her she hoped.

“I’m going to make you club president Yuri.”

“Club...president?” The girl drawled slowly, face mixed with partial anxiety and confusion. “I don’t understand, why would you do that? You said the club is gone, and...Sayori’s the Vice President, I-if anyone wouldn’t the title step down to her?”

“The role of President is...omniscient. Or- that’s the best way to describe it. They know everything about the game and...the fact it is a game. You already know the latter half but- with the role you’ll be able to know what happened with more detail I could...ever give. Completely unbiased. You’ll remember it all.”

Yuri’s, rightfully so, looked terrified. Monika had recalled how she felt just when she realized the power she held over everything around her. It was mortifying, impossible to comprehend. But, after a long while of the situation dulling her down, she grew almost used to the idea. Yuri swallowed thickly.

“So the...the president is like- the g-god of this world?..is what you're saying?..”

Monika opened her mouth to deny it, the word god sounded so much more- acussitory. Or at least that’s the best way she could describe it. But in the end, she couldn’t. 

“I...suppose it is like being a god.”

Yuri looked rightfully perturbed, Monika certainly was at first. That kind of power was overwhelming- dangerous without a doubt. No one person should ever have that kind of power, not without warning. Not even just because it could be used to do such harm, but because it was far too much to handle. 

How could one feeble mind be able to experience such a change? Learning that all in your world is a lie and that if you wanted, you could destroy it all with a 4 second _sentence_ if you really wanted. That everything you took for granted was controlled by an outside source _you_ could control. That you had a purpose in life, and that sole purpose was to entertain someone’s existence so much greater than yours that to them, your world was a _game_ . And that was all it was meant to be, and now _you_ had control of it.

It was horrifying to Monika, it still kind of was. Especially after coming to realize her friends were just as real as she had been even without an epiphany. They had been ignorant, but they should’ve never been disposable. But...again, that power. It made it almost too easy to simply _consider_ treating them lesser. And Monika had.

“I’m...Monika I’m not sure I...I want that. I-I mean you’re the club president! If anyone _you_ seem better equipped and- I-I doubt even you could have a handle on it- with all due respect…”

Monika swallowed thickly, feeling a sickly irony rash over her from Yuri’s words. If only she’d known.

“I understand completely Yuri. I...I really do. But- this is the only way you can... _know_.”

“Know?...”

“Know. About everything. Far better than I ever could explain. And...and you deserve to know- but I won’t force you.”

_I won’t force anything on you. None of you, not again._

Yuri seemed hesitant, glancing at Monika before looking down at the floor. She glanced back off to the side, over at the dilapidated classroom, over at the blackened glitchy void around them, at everything around them. At how little was around them. Then- she turned back to Monika.

“It’s like being a god?...truly?..”

Yuri spoke gently, not without fear, but with a faint sort of bravado to her words. Monika raised her hand towards her chin, pressing the side of her index finger against it.

“It’s...nearly the same as you are now, having access to the console and its commands. All that changes is you’ll have full memory of the complete history and debug log, and you’ll have priority over admin’s, which...would be me. That lets you edit their files, and take priority over their commands. You’ll be able to fully access the logs too, but...other than that, it’s the same.”

Yuri paused, Monika scanning over her face for any signs of- anything really. Some emotion she could pinpoint that might show something- questioning, or speculative, or judging, or hateful. Anything to show some negative emotion Yuri might be showing _at_ her for everything she’d said. Anything she’d said before, anything that might lead Yuri to not trust her and be weary. But...there wasn’t much.

“...ok. I’ll- do it. If...if I want to I can simply give it back? R-right? And...I’ll keep what I know?...”

“If you want.”

Monika already knew she wouldn’t want to, but- well...Yuri would see in a moment. Monika sucked in a breath as Yuri nodded, repeating a soft “ok” as she stared at her intently.

Monika’s hand raised as a small debug box raised afront her, her fingers worked diligently, quickly typing up the command to transfer ownership. She pressed enter, bringing up another box.

**Transfer ownership from user MONIKA to user YURI?**

**WARNING! THIS CANNOT BE UNDONE!**

Monika took a shaky breath, raising her finger above the text box. Her index finger inches away from the “yes” option. She hovered slowly above it, hesitating as she looked back to Yuri. The girl looked...sympathetic, like she pitied her for having to do such a thing.

She didn’t deserve that pity- it ate her up inside. She hated it, she hated all of this. She was going to lose it all in a second, once Yuri knew. Monika might’ve played the selfless guide, but she oh so hated the idea of confirming this. She could never go back, never undo, this would be the end of anything they had together. She was so sure of it- she…

...she…

…..

“Y-Yuri?...”

“Hmm?..”

Monika’s voice trembled lightly, Yuri’s own voice seemed oddly calm. Almost complacent, if anything she sounded gentle. Compassionate even. Understanding. 

“You’re going to...to see a lot of bad things.”

“...r-right…”

“And-“

“....and?...”

The words felt stuck, she didn’t get it. She’d already said them. She already told Yuri the obvious truth, that it was her fault, that she’d fucked up beyond repair. But this time it felt final. 

“And most of them are...m-my fault. But I want you to know that I’m-“

She felt choked up, why? apologizing for something Yuri couldn’t even comprehend just yet. She couldn’t even lie and say it was selflessly to try and prepare Yuri. No. She wanted to hold onto whatever understanding she could before all hell broke loose and she lost it all.

“I’m sorry Yuri. So…so sorry.”

Yuri looked at her, eye to eye, unwavering. She looked confused- conflicted maybe, but never not gentle with her gaze.

“.....”

Part of Monika was praying for forgiveness before it was rightfully taken back, part of her was expecting a simple “ok”.

“...I...Believe you.”

I believe you.

It wasn’t damnation.

But it wasn’t acceptance.

Monika sucked in a breath, it would have to do.

She pressed her finger down and confirmed her transaction.

It happened like a lightning flash.

Monika wasn’t on the receiving end though, she was just a spectator. To her it only felt like a little jump of electricity from her fingertips, that was all. But looking over to Yuri she understood.

She saw the girl standing still, complacent, blank even. Monika internally panicked, she looked non responsive. She’d never done this before, she could never understand what to process was like until going through with it- but still. She worried if it hadn’t worked, or if it worked too well and broke her, or even she’d messed it all up again and deleted a core system or- or anything else horrible she could imagine.

But she hadn’t.

Unfortunately.

She saw Yuri’s chest rise and fall slowly, shallowly, the girl staring off dazed into nothing. She was alive no doubt- but.

“Yuri?”

Her breaths drew quicker, something in her eyes flickering. Playing like a reel of emotions.

_Fear, disgust, horror._

Yuri was breathing audibly now- no. No she was hyperventilating. She took a step back, tumbling instantly as she fell to the floor.

“Yuri!”

The girl clutched a hand to her chest, gripping it tightly as the fabric bunched up. It was in the same spot Monika recalled she’d stabbed herself. She was trembling horribly as her eyes darted around the room frantically, Yuri seeming lost in a spastic craze, trying to comprehend her sorrounding. 

“Yuri p-please! Calm down it’s-“

_Not real?_

_It is real._

_Ỳ̶͖͉̥͒̄̈́̚O̴̱̰̯̱̊̂̉U̴̩̓̿̈́͒͠ ̵̭͇̭͓̤̺́͝m̶̡̛̬̞͚̯͊̂͆́͝a̷͔̔͌̓̄̚d̷͇̬͚̿̕e̴̢̹̣̪̝̙͑̎͆̕ ̶̮̞̼̞̊̃̊̿͌i̷̼͓̪̮̲̓͂t̷̠́̈́̚͜ ̶̭͎͔͇̭̐͆͊͛͂͜r̷̳̦̪̖͇̀̀̇̓̀e̶̜͉̚a̵̻̙̰̾̔̅͂͠l̶͙̦̣͚̔̓͗̏̃͝_

_L̸̩̳̳̭̼̳̏̋̓̃̈o̴̠̱̭̫̲̗̔̈̆ớ̸̖̭̫͓̘̐̚ḱ̸̡ͅ ̵̰̤̓̎̎̅w̸̥͓̎̿͠ͅḫ̵̬̭̩̟̗̊͝ạ̵̡̛̪̌t̴̮̒̒ ̵̠̅͝y̶͔̯͎͙̐̆͐̚ǫ̵͔̯̣̗̅̽ǘ̶̢̡̠́-̸̣̦̈́͐̔̌̈́͠_

“I-I’m here Yuri! Try to calm down- please!”

Monika knelt down as panic washed over her. She needed to help- she hadn’t thought this would happen. She hadn’t-

What the fuck was wrong with her?! Yuri was ridden with anxiety, and she’d thought that all of this at one time was appropriate?! It was a wonder she’d even-

She reached her hand out, trying to take Yuri’s in some vain attempt to bring the girl back to their broken reality. Preparing some brief speel to bring her back down to earth and calm her. But-

Yuri broke her.

Upon the slightest contact Yuri’s head snapped to face Monika and-

And she retracted her hand as if she’d been _scorched_.

Monika finally got a good look, eye to eye. Yuri didn’t look anything she’d imagined. Not apathetic, not spiteful, not disgusted or angry or even confused. She only saw one pure, raw emotion.

_Horror._

She looked _mortified._

Fearful for her _life_.

Something in Monika broke at that. She quickly took her own hand back, cautiously backing away along the ground. She felt utterly helpless.

To think she had such power over the world only to return to her own hopeless feeling of futility upon her epiphany, but this was _worse._ So much worse. She couldn’t do anything.

So she didn’t.

She distanced herself, trying her best to not to break down herself as her heart thumped heavy against her chest, her mind whirling harsher than it ever had before. The only thing holding her together was her concern for her club mate.

It felt like an hour, she can’t have imagined how long it felt for Yuri.

The girl had reduced down into silent crying quickly into her break down, sitting curled up tightly against the wall with tear streaks now stained on her face. She’d been reduced down from hyperventilating into dry heaving occasionally, taking in deep and unsteady breaths as her body trembled futilely. That look in her eyes had gradually died down as the girl had shut her eyes tightly, seemingly trying to avoid seeing whatever it was was plaguing her mind. Monika figured it didn’t, but Yuri kept her eyes screwed tightly shut regardless. 

After all that, Yuri was still laying against the wall. Whatever she’d seen seemed- done. Even if she wasn’t done reacting to it, her body seemed as still as it could be. The girl was breathing in wavering, quivering breaths, eyes still shut tight as light droplets of tears periodically escaped her eyes. Her arms were tightly wrapped around her legs, grabbing firmly onto her upper for arms. Monika had noticed quickly that the edges of Yuri’s sweeter were turning red. She hadn’t done anything to stop the girl, understanding fully any contact was a _no go_ , but she guessed Yuri’s firm grasp and constant pressure had reopened Yuri’s more recent cuts.

But despite all that- it was over for all definitive means. The damage was done.

The two sat in silence, Monika staring expectantly, her ashamedly at the girl. Waiting for her to open up her eyes again and stare her down and acclaim her hatred, or to simply open up the console and delete her right then and there. Part of her told her Yuri was better than that, better than her, but her logical side told her Yuri would think it was deserved or even needed. Monika could understand that, at the least. But whatever confrontation she could dream up never came.

Yuri’s body continued to tremble, her hands letting go of her sleeves as she lowered them down, sucking in a harsh breath, then releasing a raspy one. Yuri continued this for another minute, trying to get her breathing back under wraps to at least a moderate level of success. Other than Yuri’s breathing, the room was silent.

It was as quiet as could be, hyperfocusing Monika on just Yuri. It was excruciating.

But finally the silence broke.

“I t...t-think I’m go...ing to vo-omit….”

Yuri’s voice trembled as she drew her knees closer, curling up more on herself. She looked like she was...trying, really trying, to do- something. She made little movements, little tilts of the head. But nothing, she sat planted, petrified on the ground.

Monika hated it. This was a mistake. She would’ve been better in bliss- it wasn’t just selfishness. She- Yuri didn’t deserve these memories.

“Y-Yuri-“

The girl flinched, making Monika nearly audibly whince. Whatever she had to say died quickly in her mouth, she simply shut up as the silence ensued, awaiting Yuri’s response, no matter how accusatory or damning it might be, it was. 

But there was no response. Just silence, just time for Monika to soak it all in as Yuri feebily attempted to do the same. 

She hated it.

——————-

She really, really, really hated it.

Yuri had taken a while, a long while at that, before she was ready to get up again. Like the task itself was impossibly difficult. Monika didn’t do anything, verbally or otherwise, understanding now it was best to keep her mouth shut.

But Yuri kept hers shut too.

Monika hated it.

She would’ve taken anything, being cursed out, being condemned, being shamed or blamed or even Yuri just ranting about how she was insane, about how she was sick in the head since she was and how she hated her and wanted to be as far as physically possible from her.

But Yuri did _nothing._ She stayed on the opposite side of the room, trying to keep her distance, seemingly silently working away at some code. It took her some time to get into it, she’d originally just been standing there silently, but eventually she got back into the code.

Monika couldn’t take it. She...she needed something, anything. She could accept the backlash and anything with it, she’d been so ready to try and take it on. But she couldn’t take on the pure nothingness of it.

She wasn’t emotionally ready for the feeling of absolute dread in silently standing across the room from a friend who’s terrified to even open her mouth around you.

It continued like that for hours, Monika simply standing in silence by her mattress, eventually settling on laying on it silently, staring blankly up at the ceiling. The only noises she could hear was the numbing static of the void around her and Yuri’s quiet tapping away at the code. 

It droned on for what felt like hours. Monika’s insides had long since meshed and molded into a grossly dreadful sickly feeling, static as the world around her seemed to become blurry. The only thing Monika could be proud of was she didn’t cry, she didn’t she’d a single tear, no. She sat there as if she were dead instead, not moving a single muscle as the world around her crawled along at an agonizing pace.

Before she knew it, it was night. Or approaching night. The classroom was already partially light by the sorrounding void, but the one remaining window that helped hoist the day night cycle still tried futilely to keep up the ruse, switching between lightings and backgrounds as the sky grew darker and the room did in conjunction. It didn’t matter to Monika, she doubted she’d sleep, but it helped give her an idea of how long they’d been here in this state of nothingness and un-interactivity.

At least several hours, probably a third of the day if Monika could guess. But- then finally.

Finally.

Something.

“Why?...”

Monika’s senses all jumped at once out of their stupor as she slugishly rose up, taking a glance at Yuri. She felt breathless, hesitating at her loss for words. She understood the question, at least she thought she did, but answering seemed impossible.

“...w-why?...”

Yuri turned, finally showing more than her back to Monika. It was only a glance.

Monika hated that look on her face. That empty look of sadness, that sorrowful excuse for an apathetic yet pained look of some sort. Monika only got a look at her bloodshot eyes for a moment before Yuri turned back, back to avoiding her gaze at all cost. Her voice was low, maybe only a little shaky. It sounded more confused- broken than anything, not even sounding partially afraid anymore.

“Why…?”

Monika felt horse, she thought explaining would be the easy part and the reaction would be the hard part. 

“W….why…d-did I do it?”

She was stalling, she knew it. She was desperate, selfish. 

And wrong apparently. She hadn’t understood the question. Yuri spoke up again, voice devoid of as much emotion as Yuri could muster out. 

“No. I…”

She paused.

“I saw enough...I think...I understood that.”

Monika looked up at her, confused and as conflicted as ever. She didn’t- how could Yuri understand? 

“...But all...all that did- didn't- answer me. Not...n-not everything you said it would.”

Yuri’s voice wavered slightly, she took in a breath.

“Why **_me_**.”

Monika could hear the pain soaking into the question as she flinched back, unexpecting and unprepared. With everything else, it was abundantly clear how selfish she’d been, but with something like this? It wasn’t. Not unless she spilled how it was. She didn’t want to, but she had to. She couldn’t lie to Yuri, she simply couldn’t. Not anymore, not after it all.

“I...I wanted to try and...And fix everything. But I was scared to do it...alone.”

Monika sucked in a breath. Wavering in tone, her eyes felt blurry. It was so much harder saying it than it had been to showe her with the snap of her fingers. 

“I-I don’t know how to fix Sayori, she...she was first and- and I was wreckless. I wanted her b-but I couldn’t-“

Monika got choked up on the words, she moved along best she could.

“I thought...b-between you and Nat, if I told you, you’d be more likely to comply. T-to fix everything.”

Monika’s voice hushed.

“I thought you’d hate me less.”

The room fell silent again, Yuri’s tapping had stopped.

It stayed silent for another minute.

Yuri stayed silent, but the tapping started up again after a drawn out breath from the girl. 

Monika tried not to let any further water works out.

——————

That night might’ve been harder than any before, even the night of her epiphany. She couldn’t sleep, she had known she wouldn’t be able to. But- she feigned the part. She did so for Yuri’s sake.

She knew that the girl would probably feel more at ease if she thought she was asleep, she could give Yuri that. Who knows, maybe she’d try to delete her silently and quickly, Monika would take that. It would be understandable, merciful in a way even. But, just like everything previously, that didn’t happen.

She spent the night silently listening to Yuri suck in deep breaths after the tapping stopped and the noises settled down. Long drawn in breathes as it sounded like the girl was sucking in through her teeth. She smelt crimson in the room, and whatever Yuri was doing continued as Monika laid still and silent.

Guilt and regret pooled in her gut as she sat there motionless, leaving the sleeping dog to lie. She could only ponder what had happened, both today and before. 

Just what had she done?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Yes this is fine” says Yuri to omnipotence


	6. Conception, Confliction, Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been rather- difficult, to get her mind in order. The bombshell that your world was fake, followed by the fact one of your closest friends manipulated said world and did atrocities against you. And now, you were stuck alone in an empty void with just her and your ever complex feelings.
> 
> Yuri...didn’t have any of it in order, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huzzah! A new chapter! Annndd a shift in the POV too, what fun!
> 
> This chapter might be a little harder to follow. I’m not sure if I quite have Yuri’s own POV down to a tea, pardon the pun, yet. I feel like her thoughts are quite wordy and overcomplicated at times, just like the poor girl herself. But regardless, I hope it’s still interesting as we go along!

Maybe...she was the sickly one. It would've been easy, perhaps even justifiable, to have the inception that Monika was…bad.

That she had some form of dubious reasoning, or insidious intent, or that she was simply a psychopath. Plain and simple. That- those lines of logic should’ve been simple, yes?

Monika had...hurt her, hurt her friends. She’d driven them to madness. It was clear and cut, right?

Yuri desperately wished. It would make her feel so much better.

Her mind and body fought ferociously, sometimes switching sides. She’d take a sideways glance at Monika to check on where she was in the room, only to have her stomach roll from imagery of Monika towering above her corpse, back turned as she spoke chillingly gently with the player. She’d tried to tell herself to simply speak, to stop babbling incoherently for once in her life, only to feel the lips quiver in her mouth as she set herself to silence. 

It was a cruel back and forth, too and fro, and it was aimless. She couldn’t bear the thought of Monika even approaching her, it horrified her, but she oh so desperately wanted...something. She didn’t know what. Resolution? Closure? Just- someone to talk with in their madness? 

Was it even that? Had she already fallen into madness? In only a single day?

She’d read worse, she’d read horror. Tales of horrific experiments on teens and children, stories of eldric monsters with supernatural prowess, aliens that shapeshift, gelatinous beings that assimilate all they touched, torture rooms designed to mutate. She’d read far too much in regards to dark material. She was a horror fanatic, in a way, fascinated with such ludicrous and out there settings and creatures. 

She was perfectly fine with all of that. She never batted an eye. She’d maybe occasionally get a little nervous, but that would be from suspense. She’d very rarely be genuinely afraid or scared or sleepless from fiction.

All Monika did was...manipulate. She hadn’t even really, truly killed. At least not...directly. To everything she’d indulged herself in- a case like this was so...so little, wasn’t it? A hopeless girl, turning to something cruel in desperation. It wasn’t hard to believe, it was almost disturbingly realistic. Because-

That was the problem.

How could she be feeling so- so awful. What she’d experienced had been horrible, but she’d seen far worse- her mind had divulged into places not quite as haunting, but perhaps equally as dark and morbid before. So why was this affecting her so much?

It seemed obvious, right? Because it happened to her personally. It happened in reality.

But how could that be the case- if they weren’t real? It was a game.

She was a character.

Nothing that Monika did- mattered, did it? If it was a game? They were stuck here, forever, isolated and inept. They would have potentially been deleted immediately if the person playing so much as decided they didn’t like the game as much as they had hoped, and trashed it.

Yuri couldn’t wrap her head around it. It was such an impossible concept to grasp. How much of her was...predetermined? Scripted? She had free will now, or she liked to think she did. But how much before that was predetermined? Was her foundation of self- just words in a program? 

Her character file was just numbers- and status’- and traits- and

And…

Controllable.

If she’d been given back memories, memories that weren’t hers. Other things about her could be altered.

Monika had already proven it, that and that the world could be altered too. She saw it all, all in memories flooding back to her that shouldn’t have ever been there. Trial and error, values and digits, personalities and desires. All just…changeable. 

And that was so...so hard to swallow because-

Because…

…….

How could she ever trust it? Trust...trust herself even?

She loved horror- but was disturbed beyond compression by actions she didn’t even fully experience first hand. Monika was her friend, her companion. They’d chatted idly, and confided in one another after school occasionally, and Monika let her make arrangements in the clubroom with tea and candles to make herself more acclimated and comfortable, and-

And Monika had corrupted her person, she turned her deranged and obsessive, she put words in her mouth she’d never dare say, she strung her and the others about like puppets.

She’d been so scared- so loathing, but then she stopped caring. She was too enthralled with the MC, and despite her own accord, acted with haste in mania to acquire him. Monika had...arranged all that. But she didn’t make it up, she just esentricated Yuri’s building blocks, her core person.

And Yuri didn’t understand how she felt about any of it.

Was she happy that she could adjust her flaws, or horrified by the implications of altering her character?

Could she rightfully feel sorrow or remorse over events that never happened, not to her, because the world was but a game? Did she  _ want _ to feel those things, or did she want to ignore them, move past them as if they never happened in the current time- because they didn’t. 

Was she in true control? Or was even her epiphany feigned and her actions and thoughts pre-set?

Did she..want nothing to do with Monika. Was she afraid of Monika. Or was she desperate for the restoration of their friendship, for someone to confide in when she knew they were trapped for eternity?

….

Was she happy, because Monika brought her back? Because Monika thought highly of her intelligence and forgiveness? Or was she disappointed, hurt even by the notion Monika chose her for an easy option, picked out because she was the best tool for the job?

….

She didn’t know.

She was so conflicted- her mind hadn't fully processed all she’d seen. She hadn’t even fully processed the fact her world was game, at least not consciously until her epiphany. It was startling...and scary, and nauseating, and…

Lonely…

…..

Yuri spent the first half of the night releasing all this built up pleasure. She’d spawned in a knife herself prior, determining it was there just for her feeling of homelyness. To give her a more secure, normalized feeling in the chaos. But- she knew the rea reason she’d spawned it in. Deeply, she did.

Because she couldn’t cope, because even when she’d been grounded in the school with false consciousness- her mind still ran far too wild. The ideas- even at the time without what she’d seen, proved to be enough worrisome that Yuri decided a knife in case was mandatory.

Later that night, after it all, when Monika was asleep. She sliced through her skin.

The aroma of crimson swept through the air was Yuri sucked in deeply, the pressure bursting out from her body. She felt impossibly confined to it, suffocating in her inner pressure to release the tension, the simple slice to form the open wound was the release she desperately needed from the days events. The only one she knew to cope with...with anything. Especially this.

There was still too much...pressure.

She cut again-

And again

And again.

And…

And…

And she was calm.

The pain was numbing- distracting. A welcome distraction at that. She felt exhausted- but...too stimulated. She was unfocused now, mind at as much ease as it could muster- and still.

Yuri glanced over in the dark room too Monika.

How did she feel about her?

….

How was she making Monika feel?

….

Yuri…

Got up.

She moved out from her mattress, she wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, not after the day's events. Besides- her arms were...unclean. The moisture would be uncomfortable to lay in. 

...but...where was the water to clean herself with?

…..

—————————

Yuri blinked away exhaustion, breaths deep but steady. It was comforting, oddly. It was truly an oddity, to be comforted by the fact that you...could breathe. Yuri never suspected that could be someone one could take for granite. 

Yuri pressed again at a small, digitized screen in front of her, a small wall in front of her split through part of the room shifted in size.

She’d been making adjustments- regardless of how Yuri felt about  _ anything _ , the two needed better living quarters. She’d started with a water fountain, simple enough. There wasn’t any previous sink asset, so a water fountain would prove good enough of a water supply for the time being. Messing with the sprites and collision until it worked.

Then she realized- a water fountain didn’t look right just laying in the middle of the room, unattached to pipes. It..,didn’t need pipes, it was a game object, it was pointless to hold up any sense of normalcy or logic now that Yuri knew the secret.

...but, she really, really wanted it to look normal.

She moved onto walls around the room, trying to fill up space to block out the buzzing black void around the room. That way- it was truly a room, and it was truly a place where a water fountain might be. From there, she adjusted things further.

Making a shelf for the tea kettle- it couldn’t just sit on the floor. Spawning in small little hollowed cylinder for containers, for organizing of sugar and the brew, and to hold the stirring spoons-

None of it mattered, she could simply spawn in tea. She couldn’t actually mix ingredients, it wasn’t coded in. She just had the sprites and an illusion, but..,maybe that was good enough for now. The thought that the kettled  _ needed _ to be plugged in to be hot, the thought that sugar added taste, and it wasn’t just a number that changed depending on sweetness. 

The blanket object she’d found she had reused, turning the sprite into a rug after applying it to a thin rectangle. The mattress? She took the texture and out it on a flattened cube, making a cushion for the singular chair in the room.

Only one chair and desk wasn’t normal for a room. Or-...no, no none of this was normal for a school room.

….maybe for a house.

….a house had more than one chair, and desk. So she made some more.

She worked through the night, making assets and improvements to their quarters. None of it felt natural- but as the room started to fill out with more objects, more illusions of naturality, Yuri found herself just...a little more at ease.

It wasn’t like her old reality, where she’d been blissful and ignorant. She couldn’t go back to that. The illusion was gone. But she could do her best to hold up some of the illusion, some of the normalcy any regular person would face in the real world.

She didn’t know a thing about what was really real in their fake world, nor how she felt about the specifics and semantics of it all, but she knew she wished it to be real, or...real to where it was meaningful at least.

Yuri paused in her work, suddenly acutely aware that she heard a shifting from behind and-

“....what?....”

Yuri felt a shiver travel up her spine, it was cold and electric. Yuri didn’t turn, it….it’s not as if anyone else could be the source of what she heard. And she still wasn’t-...

...ahh, right...Monika

It was so painfully easy to divulge her tired, overburdened mind into incoherent inner babbling. She’d been trying to come to terms with her feelings on Monika, hadn’t she? She’d long since derailed from that focal train of thought.

“Did- you...you do this? Yuri?..”

Monika’s voice spoke up against, gently, almost wonderous in tone. Yuri bit back her tongue, trying to form together something noteworthy enough to get her point across, but something precise and brief to avoid an actual conversation.

Yuri’s stomach churned, her insides reduced to mush. She mentally chided herself. She knew it was childish at best, no communication meant no resolution, no further understanding. Despite what she’d said- being able to fathom the specific reasons someone would….harm another, proved hard. She couldn’t fully understand. Even if you were aware it was a game, still, people tended to play games with morals, right? To care about the characters?

She wanted to understand, but she was scared of the in depth answer. She wanted to discuss it through, but also desperately just...wanted to ignore it all, to act like it was all fine. She... she wanted Monika, wanted her there, wanted to talk to her, wanted a friend to confide in. And it seemed so easy.

Monika already appeared sorry, remorseful even. The girl had painstakingly made it obvious she regretted it all. That she’d never imagine doing all she did to a real person, that she hadn’t known. And…

And Yuri believed her.

She did. She wasn’t...conflicted on that. To her understanding, she believed her. She believed Monika didn’t want to hurt her, and that she was sorry.

…..

But she was still so  _ scared _ .

So  _ hurt _ .

Her body and mind disagreed, thinking Monika was trustworthy, that she was just a broken girl in a small world of broken girls, but her body shook like a lead if she got too close or her voice echoed out from the silence all the same. She couldn’t ever describe herself as mad, or angry. Not at Monika, at least. But...the feeling from the knowledge Monika had...manipulated her- her entire being. It was an icky, intrusive feeling. The feeling she got from thinking about how Monika did the same thing to her other friends only left her with more complicated meshes of emotion, maybe a little stronger emotions.

Again, she had to wonder, who was the sick one. Was it her?

Was it her for wanting to put her trust in a person who’d driven her to the brink of insanity? Was it her for mentally flipping her feelings between Monika doing something with hardly any impact on their current selves that shouldn’t have been a big deal, to Monika committing atrocities beyond her own comprehension, and everywhere between? Was it her for having needlessly complex thoughts on a situation that clearly seemed to fall between right and wrong? Was it her for trying to keep the illusion up that all things still needed to make sense, needed to fit in naturally. Was it her for being….happy, that she bled. Happy to know that despite it all, cutting herself, she’d bleed? That they were real enough for her to confide in that knowledge?

“.....”

Yuri blinked, mind suddenly more...she turned slightly, peeking back at Monika from the corner of her eye. She was sitting at one of the new chairs- the ones padded with a little cushion. Looking at the new wall. At the new chairs too- three more of them sitting afront Monika just placed randomly. The scene almost reminded her of the club, Monika in front at the podium, addressing the rest of them. Instead this time, Yuri was behind her, and the chairs were barren. It...was hard to look at for some reason. Yuri raised her hand, nesting her index finger between her lips as she felt her arm shake lightly.

How...how long had she just been standing here? She must’ve...gotten lost in thought again. She was acutely aware of the fact that looking at Monika, silent and hunched slightly over in the chair, she wasn’t...well- not consciously scared. Not...not at the moment. And yet, her arms still shook slightly.

Yuri turned back, still not quite able to describe the feeling that forced her to avoid eye contact with Monika or the scene, even if it wasn’t fear at the moment. It wasn’t fair, in truth. To...either of them. But she just couldn’t quite find the words- the reasoning- all of it just caught in her throat. 

She didn’t know what she was  _ supposed _ to say to fix everything, to see eye to eye and to mend what was left, but- then again. Some things that broke couldn’t be fixed.

She...took another glance back to Monika.

….she didn’t want that.

Maybe it was selfishly so, selfish in that she...didn’t want to be isolated. Her whole life, she’d been outcast, for whatever of that life was real. She’d been wishy washy with words, and poor in punctuating her own feelings from fear of being shut down or overstepping her boundaries. 

She couldn’t voice it aloud, not even before might she have been able too. But- she wanted comradery. Even if she didn’t understand her deeper feelings on Monika, she understood the surface level ones.

She was afraid, not directly of the girl, not anymore, but afraid of the reality of the situation. The fact that Monika...had done something irreversibly immoral. It wasn’t lashing out- or a slip of the tongue. It had been a conscious act. It was an uninformed act, one not intended to harm, but...it was deliberate. She understood what she was doing, just not the damage she was causing. 

And despite all that. Yuri just wanted to brush it aside, for now, she wanted someone. Anyone. She didn’t want to be alone anymore, she never wanted to be, but especially not now.

“.....”

“...I m-made some adjustments…”

Yuri was made scarily aware of how quiet the room was, back turned to Monika again as all she heard was the shift of Monika on the chair. She could tell- without looking- Monika was looking at her. Awaiting something more.

“...if we’re going to...be stuck- I t-though I might make it feel more like a home. S-surly we can’t...couldn’t- live in a run down classroom...so…”

Yuri began idly messing with the games code again, multitasking proving to help her with her still trembling hands. She was very aware that multitasking...wasn’t real. She’d read up on that- you couldn’t do more than one task, you simply just drove away attention from both while trying to do them simultaneously. But that was what she needed right now, less attention. That way- it was easier not to think too hard about what she had her attention on. 

The room fell into steady silence again as the digitalized taps were hushed, but still audible above all else. It was almost soothing.

“...four…”

She heard something from Monika, something quiet. She couldn’t make out all of it. If she really wanted to, she could just check the logs. It...would be easy. 

But-

….no. No- that-

No.

“...what did you say?...”

Another soft fit of silence.

“This looks like it took a lot of work.”

“...Ahh…it...it wasn’t...”

Yuri’s voice was suddenly gone, her mouth clamped up as she quickly silenced herself.

“...a lot of time.”

“......”

“Did you stay up working on this Yuri?”

...Oh. Monika was just...just asking if she stayed up late-

Her mind had begun taking in the tone Monika used, which sounded almost accusatory a second ago. But thinking back it- hadn’t. She didn’t understand why her mind was trying to divulge her into more unpleasant scenarios off the smallest of things.

….then again. With Monika, even before, her perfection made Yuri susceptible to nerves around the president. Even from the smallest of questions or statements, Yuri had often found herself questioning an alternate meaning or a subtle emotion laced in. Like wondering if the president was judging her for bringing the same book for the 4th time in a semester, or if she was annoyed when reading her poem for it being too wordy and complex in language, or…

...she’s flying off the rails again.

All she knew is she was afraid what Monika might thing or her over something that seemed...unrelated. The fact she’d made assets. Especially knowing about what Monika did, and why she chose her to come back first, it…

It didn’t help her wayword worries.

“...I was up early.”

Yuri spoke softly, voice hushed. It wasn’t technically a lie, she hadn’t slept at all.

“Right...right.”

More brief silence.

“Yuri?...”

She stayed quiet, words again railing her as they caught in her throat. Being directly addressed- her hands jittered the moment her name had been said, leaving her needing to backspace and adjust the wrong characters she’d entered into the code.

“....”

“You know that...MC isn’t here, right?”

MC…

Through all that she hadn’t even thought- not directly.

It was all about him, right? All of it?

….now that she was aware, Yuri was acutely aware that she didn’t harbor any more feelings for him. Not ones of love. Just...messy ones of confusion and sadness. Even if she still loved him- even if it had been of her own accord, he...was just the PLAYER, right? And the PLAYER…

Was gone. 

...perhaps none of this would’ve happened at all if he’d just joined another club. If there were other clubs.

“Ye...Yeah….”

“MC was...tied to them. He’s not- a person, like us. He’s not-“

“I know.”

Yuri hated the way she quivered when speaking, or the fact she felt legitimately...pained. It hurt. It hurt to lose someone she knew for 3 days, for barely over 10 or so hours. Someone that wasn’t real, definitively wasn’t real. And she hated it.

A further silence ensued.

“You-“

More silence. Yuri took notice truly of Monika’s tone. She’d sounded almost collected before, not emotionless, but reserved. But she could hear the pain bleeding out into the voice.

“You knew he wasn’t...coming back?”

“I...guess I did…”

Yuri stopped tapping at her screen, hands...struggling to find a steadiness. She gripped her own elbows, hands gently running along the edges of her arms. She felt cold.

A soft, struggling breath staggered out. It took Yuri a moment to realize it wasn’t hers. Monika was still sitting in the chair, by the lone desk. She looked to be...shaking.

“There’s….four chairs.”

Yuri turned fully, standing still as she looked on. Monika was furthered hunched over the desk, head down.

“There are.”

Yuri confirmed gently, something sad welling up in her she couldn’t quite pinpoint. It stemmed from- Monika. Something about what she just said, or how she said it.

“Why...why four? It’s- just us.”

“I…”

“.....”

“I suppose it’s just...preemptive.”

“Oh…”

Something was broken in the way Monika uttered such a simple word. The silence was painful afterwards, Yuri hesitating between saying something else and saying nothing at all. What...could she say? Was she in the right place to say anything at all? Did...she  _ want _ to say anything.

If she had any hope of meaningful conversation, it was quickly shut down as Monika turned. Her entire body froze as Monika locked eye contact with her, her expression forlorn and dropped. She looked...tired. Not exhausted, as one might be from a lack of sleep- though Yuri imagined the bags under her eyes conveyed that enough. No, tired as in…

….tired.

“Yuri..”

Yuri’s body stuttered with her words, unmoving. She couldn’t quite look away, nor express how uncomfortable she felt or- why. Monika sitting with the desk, just staring at her, it made her feel incredibly...something. Something not sitting right. She couldn’t pinpoint what, but-

Looking again, she didn’t see anything...dangerous. Nothing that jumped out to her as potentially harmful in the girls soft gaze. Just...sympathy.

“You really should rest. You look...exhausted.”

“I-“

Yuri swallowed thickly.

“I could...couldn’t sleep well last night..”

“I...know- I didn’t expect you too. I didn’t mean that I just…”

“Please, take...care of yourself. Okay Yuri?”

It was an exceedingly simple request. So why was it so- hard. The words were simple, but it was hard to get them out. And not just because she was talking with Monika.

“I...will.”

The room fell back into silence, Monika turned back around. So did Yuri, looking up at her small window of the code. She hesitated for a moment before closing it, leaving it be for now. 

She walked over slowly towards her new shelf nearby on the wall, a countertop above a square, the sprite of the top of the desk slapped on, making it almost look like a natural piece of furnishment in the room. 

She reached over to the kettle, already heated. Pouring it out into an empty cup. She grabbed sugar and a teabag, both from their own little cylindrical containers she’d made, as she started “making” the tea. Starting from scratch.

It wasn’t actually much of anything. She could have all the ingredients- but they didn’t make anything. She needed to update the status of the tea manually by tapping on the cup and updating the teas completion. The water filled up the cup, sure, but she could dump in an entire vat of sugar and it would taste no different, she could even dump in the tea bags. They simply disappeared into the liquid, giving off the illusion of making the substance.

Perhaps at one point, she could’ve, but whatever script had been there for making food or drinks had been broken. She’d need to fix it, but for now...emulating the steps was fine enough. She knew just how pointless it was, she could grab any cup and make tea simply appear in it by changing some variables and states.

But that wasn’t right. It just...wasn’t. Maybe it was silly of her, but even the simple act of brewing tea, even if falsely, brought her some comfort. 

The tea was “finished” after adding a little bit of “milk”, just another small container of water, and a stir of the spoon. She set the tea's status to complete and lifted the cup, sipping from the beverage delicately. Sure enough, it tasted like tea. Her body soothed slightly from the warmth and familiar flavoring. Her mind more at ease.

It...was hard to say how it felt, with the process she’d used to make it. It was comforting, but not odd or ignorable. It was normal, but not.

It wasn’t real tea.

But it really tasted like it.

And that would have to do for now. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look ma! I can make tea with my hands!!!


	7. Flailing, Failing, Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is coming to terms with what mortality you have so...complex? And why can’t Yuri seem to decide if it’s something she likes for herself or something she’s scared of the idea of? All she’d wanted to to was take a quick detour and look into her own character file.
> 
> Yuri...felt quite a few complicated things in the matter, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huzzah! Another chapter, and at a more reasonable pace this time! A little bit more time with Yuri trying to figure out just exactly how she feels about being in a game and what it means for her. Plus, a whole lot of ignoring the Monika shaped elephant in the room. I’m sure they’ll have to have a true conversation some time down the line though.
> 
> Regardless, hope you enjoy ;)

It was nightfall again, and- it was odd, truly. There was still faint light glimmering in through the darkened window pane, like there was the illusion of a moon that didn’t exist.

And the sun to that extent, moonlight was just reflected sunlight. But- as far as Yuri was aware, neither of those things truly existed. She looked into the _sun_ earlier in the day, curious. She didn’t feel the slightest bit of pain. She investigated the files thoroughly as well, she couldn’t find a trace of any moon or sun objects. It seemed to simply be a background illusion. 

It was offputting to think about, both in terms of how little in their world is real, and how much of it was purposely faked. 

The code as a whole- the little tricks done with it included, was extravagant. There were so many little luxuries in place for seemingly no reason. For example- her book. Portrait of Markov was a breathtaking tale, describing the experience of a kidnapped girl named Libitina. She was experimented on- and thought it was part psychological horror, the book held many deeper thought provoking concepts about human nature.

But- the book was fake just as all else was, crafted precisely to be a surface level horror experience with little effort, right? It was something the PLAYER was never supposed to read, it would make sense for it to be a blank square with a fancy cover, and all Yuri could recall on it was simply seeded information about it she’d always had.

But _no_. It was a real, genuine book. Front to back, page to page, there were words. Cohesive words with a story.

There was no reason to do such a thing, as far as Yuri was aware. What insequential purpose could implementing an entire book into a game that here nobody could read it have? She wasn’t sure- but was by no means complaining. All this meant Portrait of Markov was a real- tangible story she could read. And seeing as she was complying with Monika’s request and relaxing herself, she spent the entire day re-reading the book.

It was easily...some time late, at least a few hours after Monika fell asleep in the dark, the concept of time as a whole was fairly difficult to pinpoint here, but it had been what felt like a long while. And that was involving the fact Yuri had been enveloped within Markov the entire time, even with time flying by as she did that, she’d still surely been there for quite a while...it was a very long book, but she’d nearly gotten 3/4th’s of the way through it.

Yuri had taken the time to make a few other little quality of life changes too, like with texture settings. She’d already spawned back in her casual clothes, and though she only had the one pair, it was miles better than her constrictive school uniform in terms of comfort. But- she found she could actually manually adjust how soft it was. It applied to all objects, and was why her hardcover copy of Markov was...hardcover. It applied to her clothes too, though they were much softer and flexible. 

But she could make them even _softer,_ and she did. It felt like walking around with a blanket from your bed wrapped snugly around you- it was wonderful. Not very logical, mind you. But heavenly all the same. Perhaps it was the reason why she’d been able to sit still for so long reading, it was so comfortable.

Though- as she let out a drawn out yawn, she finally closed the book and set it aside on the table she’d created. She had to stop eventually for the night, as tempting as it was to finish it in its entirety, her lack of sleep was beginning to make reading a little challenging. And beyond that, it...might’ve not been the best idea to be sitting so long. She’d only come to realize upon standing up that her back ached, she’d attempted to keep a strait posture, but…

She knew that...wasn’t the reason her back tended to hurt. 

She grunted slightly, mumbling to herself uncomfortably. She was truly exhausted at this point- some sleep might’ve been nice. Markov had gotten her mind, oddly enough, into a slightly more relaxed state. But the pain jolting up her spine made it seem improbable to try and sleep, and...she hadn’t exactly made _herself_ a bed yet.

She’d spawned Monika in a mattress, but that night she herself was spending quite a while examining how the code worked further. Then yesterday, she….hadn’t been able to sleep well after Monika….

And by tonight- well- she really needed the sleep.

She sighed softly, sitting back in the chair momentarily as she pulled up a coding window, her digits diligently tapping at the screen. She could probably just...copy Monika’s mattress, or something like that. She could even make it more firm or softer depending on what was best suited for her back. Simple enough, right?

Her finger hovered above the screen, her eyes fixating on a little line of text.

_Yuri.exe_

….

Yuri’s hand idly played with a loose strand of her hair as a wayward thought passed by her mind. 

_Could I not simply...edit my status to remove the pain?_

She lingered on the thought, nervousness starting to pool at the logical line of progression from such a statement. Was editing her chore character, even for such a simple thing, a good idea? After all- Monika…

…

Yuri sucked in a breath, cringing slightly as her posture stiffened. She- was use to pain, but usually it was on her arms for...perhaps obvious reason. Her back pain was one far more uncomfortable and irritating, and not one she could control as well. 

Maybe just a peek wouldn’t hurt?

She hesitantly tapped on her character file, and was surprised when the text document popped up. It was- puny. Puny to what she’d expected, at least. It only had some values and status that either had number values or true and falses.

_Energy = 4_

_Exhaustion = 7_

_Hunger = No_

_Memory = Global_

It was so...odd. Were the numbers on a fixed scale? Did they have limits, or?...

Yuri’s eyes scanned the page further, finding what she’d been looking for, and maybe a little more.

Physical_Pain_stimuli = 4

Mental_pain_stimuli = 5 

Anxiety_level = 3

Obsessiveness = 2

Attentiveness = 6

Self_harm_Urges = 4

Romantic_level = 0

Poem_Mood = Null

They were just- numbers. Numbers on things that seemed- why would something like this need...settings?

Was that just- how she was? Her thoughts and actions predetermined at a fix rate? How she had felt about the PLAYER- the poems she read- was it predetermined by an algorithm? Was there no helping her urges? It was all just a fixed rate that was set to go up?

She saw her Anxiety level rise steadily from a 3, quickly to a 4, then up to a 5. 

She took in a breath, trying to sooth her racing mind. She- she was physically watching herself her anxious, and maybe in an odd way that was….comforting? It just went up on its own, it didn’t say the same, and she could say for sure that she _felt_ anxious upon opening the file and reading through it. So maybe it...wasn’t as controlling as she thought?

….anxiety dropped back to a 4. Okay- okay maybe it was...not good- but not horrible.

Still the physical pain stat was there- was mental pain her mental health?...was that something even remotely comparable to physical pain? It...couldn’t be just a number, could it?..

She decided to ignore it for now, leaning forward as she grimaced. Her back caused her a little more of an issue. She hovered again over the screen, finger above the physical pain stat. It’s...essentially the same as a pain killer in this fashion, right? 

She tapped on the number and...changed it, setting to a zero.

Her body lurched as a static electricity ran through her- her eyes widening as- she felt numb. She couldn’t feel her back pain any more, or the light constant stinging of her fresh cuts and-

And **_she didn’t like it_ **.

She quickly undid her action, letting out a small whimper as a quick revamp of the pain spiked up immediately, her arms quickly folding in on one another as she lightly rubbed at the hems of her sleeves. She glanced away from the window quickly after closing her file promptly, sitting stiffly.

She couldn’t describe the- horrible feeling that has given her. It was instant, the pain vanishing, as a little spark coursed through her and….

…..

She was so- messed up.

Her eyes downcast to the floor as she but her lip, rewinding her thought process that had rapidly shot through when thinking about why she _wouldn’t_ like the chance to take away her own pain when she considered that-

She _liked_ the pain.

Certainly not in the fashion that she was a masochist! No- no she…

That rush- that slight rush from cutting herself as the pressure release, it helped calm her. But the pain- that’s what grounded her. 

Maybe she was just some broken, morbid girl, but she _wanted_ the pain. It was the reminder that she was _real_ and she could _really feel_ , and it being taken away in an instant through the change of a **number** scared her. She didn’t- she didn’t want to take it away. Not like that. Never like that, and never completely.

The thought that she could take away her urge completely briefly crossed through her mind, and that perhaps disturbed her most of all. She couldn’t decide if it was a bad thing she felt unwilling to give up a clearly unhealthy habit that was physically harming her, or a bad thing she considered artificially changing herself to get better in the first place.

Both things just seemed-

It was all-

Just….

….

She didn’t want to think about her character file for the time being. And...and she didn’t want to edit it either, not...potentially ever maybe.

But it wasn’t just...her file there. She could see aside her Natsuki's, Monika’s and Sayori’s.

The idea of interfering even the slightest bit with any of their files was almost enough to make her stomach churn. Dealing with another humans life- their actions, feelings, and everything in between with a _keyboard_ was horrific to her. How could anyone even bear the thought of that kind of...power.

She took a glance across the room, Monika on her side facing away on her mattress. 

...but, Then again. On a more...critical level, these files- were how they existed right? So...this was how she and Monika were “running”, she saw briefly when click on her file that another status signifying “running” in an activity parameter. So- with Natsuki and Sayori...if she simply ran their files, wouldn’t that bring them back?

Would they be okay? Was it...that easy?

….she tapped on Natsuki’s file.

Her insides were festered with feelings of- so many things. None particular good. Her chest ached as she looked around her file. Everything was so- misplaced, like a tornado had run through and shuffled it around. Code was missing, error messages were stating how key variables were empty or missing, there were little bits of distorted or glitched text covering words or lines and- it was an entire mess. She didn’t know whether to feel sick or pitiful- she couldn’t comprehend how potentially bad this was, what was she even looking at? How exactly did this translate into Natsuki as- a person. A living breathing entity who wasn’t fully with them at the moment. 

Yuri remembered- before waking up here- being in a static dark space, if only for a moment. It was all fuzzy- and hard to concentrate- and she couldn’t remember much specifics- but it felt like she was there longer than she could readily recall? She remembered flashes of hot pain and- darkness again, a weightlessness filled her as she felt like she was trapped between a rock and free faking, she couldn’t see or feel or touch- but she knew Monika was nearby? And then she opened her eyes and...Monika was there, and she was full in body and mind. 

Was that what Natsuki was experiencing right now? Conscious but not aware in an empty void?...It made her heart clench, she couldn’t imagine, quite literally, what having your code in such a disarray did to a person. She couldn’t even comprehend how to _begin_ to fix this- it how to handle something as delicate as this. It was...

  
  


…..

...she recalled what Monika had said. The complication with Natsuki hadn’t been on actually fixing her, more so on...how she’d react upon return. And she- she felt okay? Mostly okay, at least physically, right? So surly Monika had a grasp on how to fix this without hurting them and assuring they were fully functional? 

But- what Monika had said about Sayori. She already tried. Was...something wrong specifically with Sayori’s file?

Yuri bit her lip, exiting Natsuki’s file. Monika had claimed to bring less experienced, so perhaps her file was even more messy? But...even if that was the case, Yuri felt assured with enough time they could probably fix her, along with Natsuki, right?

She brought her finger to hover over Sayori’s pressing against it. She brought her hand to her mouth, feeling- nauseous. She didn’t understand what she was looking at.

If she had to describe Natsuki’s file, it would be like a returned test sheet. Everything was there, just- some of it was wrong. Maybe the answers were misplaced, or needed to be filled in, but Yuri had somewhat understood what was being asked, what was _missing_ from the equation.

Sayori’s file looked like chicken scratch, as if someone had smashed their head against s keyboard repeatedly.

There wasn’t even formatting- like in Natsuki’s. There wasn’t error lines pointing out missing variables, or a framework to go off of in terms of missing or glitched text. It looked as if someone had taken a keyboard and smashed it repeatedly with Sayori’s file. It was a string of broken English and distorted text and fissuring screen textures and...and Yuri didn’t-

She didn’t understand any of it.

She didn’t understand what this meant for Sayori or for how to-

She found it hard to breathe suddenly, realizing- they aren’t immortal.

It was so strange, but something subconsciously had settled within her with all she knew from what Monika had told her and shown her. She’d- they’d all **died** . Even Monika was **deleted** , but she was lying just across the room- as fine as could be. 

Her own mortality was something she hadn’t even considered, even after recalling how she stabbed herself in the chest to **death** . She had **died** at one point. And perhaps all she’d seen from Monika’s memory implant has desensitized her to it, but she’d come to subconsciously accept that death here wasn’t final. There was no death when you could simply change a variable from dead to alive. She hadn’t even considered it as a problem.

But now it **was** and Yuri was **scared** because she didn’t even understand what Sayori’s file **meant**. And if she couldn’t understand it- and Monika said she’d failed to understand it, then they couldn’t bring her back from what she understood. And if that was the case then what was it? Death, right? It was an equivalent to death if they’d never be able to bring her back and-

Yuri took deep labored breaths, trying to calm herself as her panic rose and her urges did along with her. Her body felt as if it were on fire from the way heat shot through her spine. She’d read so many dark books- she’d read about gruesome topics and imagined horrible deaths and travesties and now she’d **lived** through death herself. But the concept of one of her friends dying, **gone forever** in their limited world made her just-

No. No it-

She swallowed thickly, closing the window. That couldn’t be it- Yuri was just stupid. Of course that was the case, because she wasn’t a coder. She only had surface knowledge of how code worked- not how it was formatted or the specific semantics. It wasn’t her place to say that something was irreversibly damaged, especially since Monika had thought that too- and yet Yuri herself was here. That...that meant she was just uninformed, or ignorant, or something- like that. She just didn’t understand how to fix the problem that was still a problem, because she still could fix it.

That _had_ to be the case. She just needed help- like…

Like Monika had said.

_She thought Yuri would be most likely to cooperate, to help._

Yuri took another glance over at the girl, body slightly jittery as she tried to calm her nerves and quell her urges. She slowly and methodically stood up, making her way over in as elegant a stride as she could manage to Monika. She...hesitated. She didn’t know why she wasn’t scared of the girl, she already knew this. 

And yet-

Yuri slowly kneeled down, grabbing Monika’s shoulder, ready to shake her awake gently. But she flinched, causing Yuri herself to recoil lightly.

Was...Monika that sensitive to touch? That didn’t make sense- she hadn’t been...startled, had she? She was asleep, and-

“Y-Yuri?”

Monika turned off her side, somewhat sluggishly, as she looked to Yuri with a hazy tiredness in her eyes. Dark bags under her eyes, bags too dark for someone who’d seemed to be sleeping well over the past two nights.

Yuri didn’t press. It wasn’t her priority right now, and she still didn’t...understand how she felt. She wanted Monika to care for herself, just like she’d requested of Yuri, but Yuri still felt far too conflicted to talk on casual terms.

But, these weren’t casual terms she was seeking out.

“I need- to work w-with you. I want to fix th-them. Natsuki and...and Sayori. As soon as possible.”

Monika squinted slightly, looking herself conflicted. She looked to be struggling for speech, opening her mouth before closing it without a sound, prompting Yuri to continue. 

“I need you to show me...s-show me how to put them back together. Like- you said. I w-want to help them.”

Something in Monika’s gaze softened, she sat up, rubbing a hand through her messy hair. The girl was still dressed in her blouse and skirt, fully in uniform, as it seemed she didn’t have any casual clothes of her own. 

“Of course- That’s...you don’t need to ask. But it’s- you look s-so- did you even rest Yuri?..why..why now?”

Yuri’s pumping adrenaline was doing its best to combat the ever elusive exhaustion threatening to overtake her, something odd settled in her gut at the same time however. Something- inflammatory, or- no. Stoic, determined even. Yuri sucked in a breath.

“I don’t- I don’t understand a lot of stuff. A-about the code and...a-anything really. But I know when I wasn’t- here, physically, it wasn’t very pleasant. A-and I was browsing over our files and I realized that I don’t...I don’t **know** anything about what’s happening to them. I-I don’t know if they went through or are going through my non-consciousness, but if they are I don’t- I don’t want them to for any longer than need be. And especially if they aren’t because...because I don’t know…”

Yuri slumped back down onto the floor, suddenly feeling very small. Her inner fire not quiet extinguished, but feeling a lot more vulnerable.

“I don’t _know_ what’s going on with them- a-and it’s scary. Because it was scary for me- a-and I didn’t even know what was happening. It might be different for them- or worse- and I don’t want to just leave...I don’t want them to go through t-that any longer then need be. I’ve...ive been neglecting them longer than I should’ve, and I wanted to get started as soon as possible.”

Monika’s expression only seemed to get softer, if not more guilty too. She looked further inspired as she did pained as Yuri continued her verbal inclination. She sighed softly, sitting back.

“I understand Yuri. Really.”

Her voice softened, suddenly hushing a little bit.

“I do. But- you...matter too. Just as much as they do. And you- you remember what you told me?”

“T-told you?...”

“You asked me to rest.” Monika finished, shifting to better face Yuri. I wanted to fix everything right- then, but- you were right. I couldn’t do it all right then, and it wouldn’t have been a good idea too. I want...I want more than anything to fix it all, and- I really want to right now. Honestly. But you- you _need_ rest Yuri. Just as you said- they’d want you to be in good shape just...just a-as much as they might want me to when they’re back with us.”

Monika stuttered through the mention of herself, seeming to have a hard time getting it out properly. They fell into a silence, Yuri’s mind dwelling over the options and what Monika had told her. Somethint felt so- wrong. It felt so wrong to wait but- it made sense, maybe? That’s what she had told Monika to do- and it proved to maybe be better as a course of action. But this wasn’t coding lessons- these were her friends _lives_ , and it-

“Yuri.”

She turned back to Monika, blinking lightly as she refocused her attention. Monika looked pleading, a pathetic slight smile on her face. 

“You’re...incredibly selfless. I can see it’s- i **know** it’s hard for you. It...it was for me too. But they’ll- they’ll be okay. With your help it’ll work out promptly and just- I know it will. But you need rest to do that, so we can both make sure we’re doing things properly.”

…..

“That’s-“

Yuri felt defeated in a way. It- maybe didn’t seem completely wrong anymore but- it still felt like it wasn’t completely right. As if she were holding back an urge she shouldn’t fight. But...

“...p-probably right...they’d- I know Sayori would be quite upset if she found out I didn’t sleep at all before her arrival.” Yuri bit her lip, finger twirling around another strand of hair as she turned her gaze downward. “And Natauki would probably be displeased too if we looked like disheveled messed…”

Monika smiled sadly. “That’s...right. They would.”

“...first thing in the morning. You’ll...you can show me how to help them right? And we can bring them back?..” Yuri felt pathetic, voice wavering on what sounded to be begging. She got a prompt nod from Monika.

That...would have to do for now.

“Okay…”

“Thank you Yuri. I know it’s-...it’s hard.”

Her throat felt dry. It felt almost like a betrayal to leave her friends by the side any longer. But- but this was the right option, wasn’t it? Even if it felt nothing like it?

“Y-yeah…”

“Just...just rest- the best you can.”

“Okay…”

The rest fell into a blurr, only recalling glancing back into Monika’s eyes. There were a lot of unsaid things there- a lot of things still left to say, and ask, and do. But...but for tonight she was done. One thing laid to another as Yuri sluggishly went through the motions, back still aching lightly as she found herself soon enough laying on a newly spawned mattress. It was just soft enough- and though her mind was slightly sporadic, it was simply so...soft. Comfortable, and it made sleep ever so alluring.

Soon enough the world turned black as Yuri drifted off to slumber. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “It’s 3am Yuri, some of us are trying to have existential dread. Could you keep it down?”


	8. Detriment, Deferment, Determined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s difficult trying to balance the guilt of leaving her friends out to dry and the guilt of dragging Monika through the mud in the process. It’s hard to convince herself to take it slow when half of her friends are still floating in some blank space she can’t comprehend, much less even comprehend her current relationship with Monika.
> 
> Yuri....was a mess of emotions to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huzzah! I’m back!
> 
> I’m sorry this took quite a while to come out, compared to previous chapters. The holidays and the end of semester coming up really hit hard! So I’m sorry about all that, truly. But! With the semester coming to a close soon I’ll hopefully be a little more consistent!
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoy all the same. ;)

_“You want to prove anything, then stop harassing others with your_ _sickening attitude! You think you can counterbalance your toxic personality just by dressing and acting cute?”_

_Yuri looked down at Natsuki in what she could only describe as a seething rage. Right now, she doesn’t think she could be any more angry with a person if she actively_ **_tried_ ** _to pick a fight. She never was one for fighting, especially on her own behalf._

_But today?_ **_Today_** _? It felt like something primal had awoken in her. Natsuki could naturally be demeaning, and rude, and inconsiderate, but for her to go so far out of her way in a vain attempt to make her look bad in front of MC?_

_MC, of all people._

_It made her nearly_ **_livid_. **_It was almost scary how angry she was becoming._

_“The only cute thing about_ _you is how hard you try!”_

_She spat out the words venomously at the pinkette, who was looking at her with all the same visceral hatred from the spur of the moment. Her sneer twisted up into an ungodly smirk, a malicious one if she’d ever seen one._

  
  


_“Whoa, be careful or you might cut yourself_ _on that edge Yuri! Oh, my bad... you already do, don't you?”_

_Yuri felt the heated flame in her chest die out for a moment, terror overcoming her entire being. She took a glance to the MC, who was watching almost blankly from just aside the two._

_He looked thoughtful, no doubt in correlation to all of what was being said._

_How could Natsuki do that?_ **_Especially_ ** _right in front of him? How could she do any of this to her?! Just when MC was beginning to give her a chance!_

_“D-did you just accuse me of cutting myself?! What_ _the fuck is wrong with your head?!”_

_Natsuki looked all the more satisfied as the seething anger feebly tried to overcome the anxiety in her chest. She took another anxious look at MC, only for Natsuki to snap her attention back with a cruel sneer._

_“Yeah, go on! Let him hear everything_ _you really think! I'm sure he'll be head over_ _heels for you after this!”_

_“A-ah--!”_

_Yuri turned back to MC, pleasingly. She needed to address this! He’d surely be formulating such a horribly inaccurate idea of her if she let Natsuki continue to slander her!_

_“She- she's just trying_ _to make me look bad...!”_

_“That's not true! she started it!”_

_Yuri felt her heart beat rapidly, as if it might explode out of her chests in a painful and horrific display. It was truly that bad. She couldn’t bare the thought of him thinking so little of her, of him taking Natsuki’s side and taking trap to her horrid- two faced personality!_

_She looked to him pleadingly, eyes scanning for anything- something giving away his thoughts. But she found nothing. Her eyes wandered to Monika behind him, looking oddly even more out of it than him watching it all unfold. Had- was she against her too?! Had she’d been too forceful when telling her to butt out?_

_No- no no no, this couldn’t be happening. Natsuki couldn’t have done this to her, not the one time where she- she had a chance!_

_The silence was_ **_agonizing_. **_Until-_

_“Um…”_

_“Hey, why don’t we step outside for a bit? Ok?”_

_Yuri blinked, breathless, as Monika seemed to whisk away MC on a whim. A look of clear unease in her face, though she still couldn’t make out MC’s._

_What- what on earth was she thinking?! Sinking so low to Natsuki’s level! She’d- oh god she’d made him uncomfortable! She’d acted so out of line, yelling in front of him like that!_

_“Way to go Yuri! All you did was scare him off, like you always do with people!”_

_Yuri turned back to Natsuki, her mix of fear and anxiety boiling over into an even more intense anger. This, this was true_ **_hatred_ ** _._

_“Me?! You- you started this! You’re always the agrivator! You pick fights just for the attention no doubt! I’m surprised he can stand your toxic abuse for even a moment!”_

_Yuri’s tongue lashed out insult after insult without as much as a moment of hesitation, all her new and unorthodox emotions fueling the fire. Natsuki looked somehow even more angry, offended even. As if she hadn’t been even more vile!_

_“Don’t you fuckint_ **_dare_ ** _talk to me like that! Like I’m abusing him! As if you’d know anything about something like that! You don’t even have_ **_friends_ ** _outside of here, you drive everyone away cause you don’t even understand basic social cues! You probably make him so uncomfortable, but he just doesn’t have the spine to say it since you make_ **_everyone_ ** _so uncomfortable!”_

**_Yuri was seeing red._ **

_“_ **_You_ ** _want to lecture_ **_me_ ** _on friends?! Are you so self-absorbed you don’t even realize that_ **_nobody_ ** _likes you! Your own_ **_family_ ** _doesn’t even like you!”_

_Natsuki looked genuinely shocked at that one, face falling for a moment, before her anger returned tenfold. She opened her mouth to rebuttal, but Yuri didn’t even give her the chance._

_“You lash out at everyone like your feather lashes out at you, you’re such a despicable creature you actively abuse others after being abused yourself!”_

_…..wait. That- what was she saying? Wasn't this a private matter, one Natsuki trusted to the club enough to vaguely share? Why was she-_

_“You're a horrible excuse for a person! Pushing your toxic mindset onto others! Who would expect any different though? Clearly the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!”_

_This- wasn’t right. She should stop._

_“Do you take some sick pleasure on your redistribution of your daily misery? How can you be that_ **_big_ ** _of a leech on your ‘friends’?”_

_She couldn’t stop talking. The words just- kept spilling out. She needed to stop._

_“Most parents beat their children out of discipline, so clearly you aren’t disciplined enough if you act so_ **_horrid_ ** _on the daily!”_

_Stop. Please- please she-_

_Her smile twisted wickedly._

_“Maybe you_ **_deserve_ ** _it.”_

_….._

_….._

_…..what...what was happening-_

_Yuri panted lightly, at a loss for breathe. She felt- sick. But relieved? That didn’t- make any sense. She felt something unsettling weighing in her chest, but- she felt lightened somehow? Like she’d been freed?_

_What was...she doing? She remembered arguing- with...with Natsuki right?_

_She looked ahead, the pinkette still afront her. Yuri felt something inside her physically_ **_die_ ** _. She took note of her expression._

_She’d thought for a moment she was furious- face beat red, but upon closer inspection. She wasn’t._

_She looked like she was barely holding it together standing there._

_She was_ **_crying_ ** _._

_What had she-_

_“I-“_

_The words caught in her throat, her body trembled. She could hardly remember what just transpired._

_“I’m so sorry I- I didn’t-“_

_Natsuki turned away, quickly running from the room. Yuri’s voice shriveled into a pathetic whimper as she felt a physical_ **_ache_ ** _in her chest._

_“I didn’t...I didn’t mean it-“_

_“I didn’t-“_

_Yuri’s breath hitched, she couldn’t breathe. She felt suffocated. Like her lungs were collapsing against her will._

_She heaved in deeply, nauseated._

_She didn’t mean it. Whatever she said._

_She didn’t mean it._

_She didn’t mean it._

_She didn’t mean it._

_She didn’t-_

  
  
  
  


_See Monika watching through the club window._

_—————————-_

Yuri was dry heaving, suddenly very aware of her surroundings. Beads of sweat quickly sliding off her forehead as she hunched over, nearly collapsing on herself.

She felt sickly- indescribably guilty. She’d- she’d been **horrid**. She needed to apologize. She-

Looked around the room.

She was in the delabidated classroom, void buzzing around her. She was sitting on somethint soft.

A mattress.

She was...here. That’s- right, she was…

Her eyes locked on Monika’s.

She was standing a few feet away, looking scared. This awful, awful look of pity in her eyes that made Yuri feel like physically throwing up.

“Yuri?...”

Yuri stared blankly, still panting lightly. She slowly positioned herself into a more elegant position, as good a one she could muster. Her lanky limbs sprawling out more natural in a sitting position, instead of scuffed against the floor like she’d been trying to back away from something.

Yuri couldn’t quite find the words, trying to keep her gaze pointed anywhere but directly at Monika, and failing.

“You were dreaming, I think, and you- started looking panicked. What happened?..”

Yuri’s breathing quivered, recollection from Monika’s voice. Memories of how that same voice would overpower her own, echoing in her head as she felt overrun. 

Yuri felt desperate to rip the sleeves off of her sweater and tear back into her arms. Her body was on fire, she felt ready to engulf in flames. She- she needed to calm down. She desperately did. She needed to cool off.

She stood up with a wobble.

“N-nothing, I don’t need-“

“Yuri-“

“ **Please.** I don’t- I can’t Monika I-“

Yuri swallowed desperately in an attempt to simply breathe. Cringing at how desperate she’d sounded a moment prior. Monika’s face fell, as she went silent.

“I just need...t-to do **something**. I can’t- talk about it. I need to do something with my hands and-“ Yuri sucked in a sharp breath. “It’s morning right? I- I ought to start working on Natsuki.”

Monika looked apprehensive, Yuri pushing down the rising guilt from how unfair and deranged she was acting in the moment. It was by far overpowered by the sense of urgency in her need to get up and **do** something, especially with fixing Natsuki.

The faster she did that, the faster that sickly feeling of swirling guilt and nausea would subside. That constant nervousness hovering around her whenever she so much looked at Monika would lessen. The aching loneliness of their world would be just a little less lonely. The faster she got this done, the less she’d feel inadequate and selfish for letting such an important thing slide.

Monika’s expression was still one of awful pity, only make Yuri’s stomach churn further. She- hated the way she looked. She hated that she made Monika feel that way, that they’d come to a point where Monika looked like she was constantly walking on eggshells around her. 

It wasn’t even her fault this time. Yuri hadn’t even begun to address the elephant in the room, nor did she want to. Though she’d regained the clubs collective memories, they were scattered and blurry. They were all there, she couldn’t forget if she’d wanted to, but they were _just_ out of reach. Waiting for the right cue to spark horrible new past experiences into the forefront of her mind.

Talking to Monika would just- bring all of that up more. Talking to Monika meant having to face the reality of the situation. Right now, their relationship just barely felt normal. Her being unsure of what to say or do around the much more capable President, and feeling awkward when trying to talk to her. Feeling lesser than her level.

That’s what it had been before, when joining the club. Now it was back, with that similar awkwardness and unspoken tension. Except now it was both ways, and over a completely different situation. A situation Yuri- knew she needed to face. It was unfair to her, and to Monika to leave it. But- even if she hated Monika’s pitiful looks, or that guilty expression frozen on her face when Yuri stared for too long, or the horrible tension of being stuck in a static void with someone who **killed you** residing to the silent treatment behind you for most of the day- even though she **hated** all of that.

It was just easier than the alternative. Easier than reliving the experiences. She knew Monika did it all, that she orchestrated it from a puppet masters perspective beforehand, but it was easier to have that thought be alien to her. It was all just- memory. It wasn’t a first hand telling from Monika’s mouth itself. The worst she’d said is that she killed her, killed them. It was easy to be desensitized to it if Monika didn’t explain herself. Easier to recall than to hear from a discussion from Monika directly. Easier to think about as a distant memory and not **the reality she suffered through less than a week ago** . **That she PARTICIPATED in, even if unwillingly.**

Yuri was truly despicable, a selfish freak leeching off fake comradery, because for right now it was all she had. 

“I-it shouldn’t be hard, right? You- helped me, a-and she’s more or less in the same situation? I-it wouldn’t be hard to just...fix her together right? Quickly?”

Monika bit her lip, nodding slowly.

“It...wouldn’t be too difficult. Your character sheets a good base- a-and we could work together if you’d...let me. It’s just- time consuming Yuri, and I don’t want-“

“I’m **fine** Monika, I-“

The words caught in her throat, anxiety bubbling up further as she tried desperately to look Monika in the eyes. It was so much harder to lie to someone like that.

“...I-I’m not- fine...I’m- not. But this’ll- this is what I need! I-if I don’t help I’ll- I don’t even know what I’ll do but- I **need** this Monika. I-I rested fine, I just really- really need to at least start with this, okay?”

Yuri hated how whiny she was being, like a child begging for just another hour before bed when it was so clearly a bad idea. She tried her best to usually be well composed, and thoughtful, and responsible. Right now she was anything but.

She was probably guilt tripping Monika at this point, judging by how conflicted she looked. She’d mentally scold herself later for it. But now-

“Please Monika…”

An unsteady silence filled the void.

“...okay. We’ll- I’ll show you how to get started. But it- might take a while Yuri. It took me a week for you and- and I wasn’t as knowledgeable as I am now, and it was just me, and- I was distracted but- it might not just...happen today, you know?...” 

Monika looked at her guiltily, shifting awkwardly in place. Her movements were stiff, like she was trying to balance between land mines on the floor.

“This is awful of me but- please just promise me you won’t push yourself?...Another day doesn’t- mean much to Natsuki. O-or Sayori. You don’t have to rush through this for either of them, okay?...”

Monika’s voice wavered, sounding barely more confident than Yuri herself felt. But she nodded along all the same. That seemed fair- even if she hated the thought. It felt like leaving someone to bleed out on the floor just a little longer so you could fit in another nap before calling the hospital, or putting off an important request simply because you felt tired, when you know good and well it would be better for everyone just to finish the task above all else.

But if she had to make a compromise, she supposed this wasn’t the worst way to go about it.

The room fell back into a dull silence, Yuri was quickly growing to hate these moments. She’d used to enjoy the brief recluse for her mind to relax, but now it just left her with too much in between time to _think_. And thinking too much was not good for her in the slightest right now. 

Monika looked to be on the edge of saying something, her mouth teetering between open and closed, before she finally spoke.

“I can show you...how I did it, if that’s alright? What all the variables mean and what you need to do to fix them?...”

Yuri must’ve not answered fast enough, still feeling it difficult to talk, because Monika seemingly felt the need to clarify.

“You have admin priority over- me, so...s-so I can’t do anything to your file anymore, nor anything directly harmful to Natsuki’s, if you're worried. A-and I wouldn’t. I...I promise you I wouldn’t.”

_Again_.

The word danced on the tip of Yuri’s tongue as she held back the desire to cut it off completely. Was she truly so repulsive as to think of belittling a clearly distraught friend of hers? Or...was Monika thinking of it too? 

Her quickly formed smile was easily strained, trying too hard to brush by the topic with a false bravado in her words. Perhaps to help assure Yuri. 

It would have to do for now. She took a few steps closer as Monika pulled up a coding widow.

“That sounds...good.”

——————————

It was almost laughable how horrible Yuri truly was- really. Who was she to judge Monika when she herself was little more than a deceitful shell of a person.

She slowly made her eat into the new spare room of the void, connected through a hollow doorway into a think floor floating in nothingness. She’d made it earlier in the day, convincing Monika they needed more space if Natsuki was returning soon. One classroom wasn’t much room for three people to live in right? Reasonable enough.

Except that didn’t explain why she had to do it today or why she’d snuck off into it in the brink of night, mostly because she was a lying, backstabbing excuse for a human being.

The worst part is Monika probably knew.

When Yuri elected to use one of her breaks, one of the few Monika insisted they had through the day, she used it for this. Insisting the same reasoning she’d explained to herself over and over. It was a lie of course.

And Monika probably knew it.

She just stared sadly and nodded, telling her she was compassionate for thinking ahead of such a thing.

It felt like a stab to her chest hearing it that way. 

Monika had fallen asleep after their long day of reading gibberish text and distorted numbers, seeming to take a mental and physical toll on the girl. Yuri had studied her before, being anxious as to assure Monika had fallen asleep before her nights prior. It hadn’t mattered much, since she ended up hardly sleeping, but before Monika seemed stiff. She moved around, only a little, but did so quite frequently. Struggling to get comfortable or to settle- or to relax maybe.

Tonight she’d basically collapsed onto her own mattress. Yuri felt horrible, pushing the girl so hard. She’d been aware she wasn’t sleeping well, and pushed so hard regardless on helping Natsuki today. Even if she’d told Monika she didn’t need to help to the same length she was determined to, Monika seemed reluctant to let up. Either out of shame, or obligation, or guilt. Or maybe a combination. But either way, she’d pushed nearly as hard as Yuri herself had. Cutting her breaks short when she saw Yuri refusing to leave her screen for even a moment through the day.

Yuri was exhausted too by this point, but just- couldn’t rest. Not yet. Less she lose her place and make backwards progress trying to figure out what she was doing, and messing something up as she tended to. And to do that when she was supposed to be sleeping, it seemed...easier to do it more privately. In a separate room. 

She tried to mentally deny the fact she just wanted the privacy away from Monika. She tried to hide behind a mask of deceit, claiming that she was being selfless. Trying to bring back Natsuki sooner for her sake, despite what she said to Monika. But it was all bullshit.

She wanted desperately to get rid of her guilt, to feel as if she had someone she still understood by her side, to drag someone into the same hell she was trapped in so she could have a friend.

She was truly awful, but that couldn’t stop her from tapping away at the screen.

The whole process of editing and messing with a character file was surreal and scary. It took her a moment to consider, upon opening Natsuki’s sprites for the first time, that she wasn’t looking at pictures. She was more or less looking at her body, the physicality that defined Natsuki, sitting in front of her in a 2D scape, one she could easily tamper with.

Perhaps this is what Monika felt, acting cautious and careful beyond belief around her. Because now Yuri inwardly panicked at even the smallest hint of making a mistake with Natsuki’s file. 

And she’d done so to a degree of success, repairing and filling in most of Natsuki’s files like a blank test. There were just- pieces, answers still not quite there. 

There were little error messages, accounting for how the memory state was corrupted, or how some scripts were missing key functions, and how some of the variables weren’t quite the correct diameter. But- Yuri was slowly moving through the motions, fixing the problems as she went. Up until the only ones left were the ones she couldn’t quite solve.

She pulled up her own character file slowly, comparing the two back and forth for what seemed to be the 100th time. Looking at what was identical, what was changed from her to Natsuki, what was incomplete, and what wasn’t there.

They were looking more and more similar, more and more complete, it was almost fulfilling.

Her eyes scanned over big blocks of confusing text she’d still yet to grasp fully, one Monika eas just as unsure on. She stated herself that upon bringing Yuri back, it had supposedly taken two attempts, and that some of the code hadn’t been fully completed, as some of it had been lost to time.

In her own file, Yuri made note that the identical blank scripts in Natsuki’s file were filled out, and though hers was, they showed error codes. Warning of compiled errors and scripts that hadn’t run properly- and things Yuri didn’t quite grasp.

But-

...things she might not need to.

Monika had said that- she hadn’t done everything perfectly right? Yuri felt...functional, even with the scripts in question. Perhaps they weren’t needed? If they weren’t, it would leave her with little else to do. It would help her being Natsuki back a lot faster.

_Don’t be selfish. She’s a person, she deserves the best treatment you can give her. Finish the job, figure it out._

_She’s a person, right? Why would a person need a script? All the ones she has left are ones I do to, and they don’t matter…_

_You don’t know that. She’s different than you. Finish the job._

_I want her back, I don’t want her to suffer any longer. Not if it’s unneeded._

_You don’t know if she’s suffering, stop making excuses because you’re selfish._

….

Yuri’s finger hovered back over her own file, highlighting the dysfunctional scripts. If they truly were- unnecessary for her, they would be for Natsuki too, right?...

….

She deleted the scripts.

Her body shook slightly, a chill running up her as she gasped- it felt like she’d just-

Just…

...felt fine.

She didn’t feel different at all, not with the scripts gone. She- wasn’t scripted any more, was she? So this shouldn’t be a surprise, should it?

...she wasn’t scripted anymore. She knew this. It was the truth. Not- not a half baked justification.

Yuri bit her lip before deleting Natsuki’s error ridden script too. Leaving all but the memory.

Her memory…

Yuri shuddered, that would- be horrible. She’d come in unknowing of hardly anything that happened. It was terrifying, and when Monika had given her **every** memory it-

It was indescribable in all the wrong ways.

She looked to her own file first. The memory state was listed as “Global”. She tapped on it, pulling up a scroll bar. The listing held a few words.

Global

Monika

S̷̙̹̖̤̈͠ä̸̳̙̺͂̏ẙ̵͙͙̈́͋ơ̴͙̂̓̀r̸̫̣͖̣̿̃̄͛͐į̷̡̻͖̒

Yuri

Natsuki

Yuri ignored the illegible name, telling herself she didn’t know what it was, and that she just didn’t see Sayori’s name because she didn’t scroll down. Or- something like that. It was almost easy to believe the lie in the moment.

She pushed past it anyways, turning back to Natsuki’s file. Pressing on her memory state, the same results appeared, except her and Monika’s names were off the list. Leaving Natsuki’s own name, admin, and the corrupted word.

...it couldn’t be this easy could it? Monika had thought the only way was to give her the collective memories, which seemed to be global. Had she overlooked this? Or- maybe it didn’t mean what she thought it did, and she was simply naive to think it would just be the press or a button.

But- Monika had...taken two attempts to fix her right? And she didn’t remember the first, not at all. And Natsuki starting off with **some** memories was surely better than none, right? 

That had to be the case, it was the easiest solution. The one she desperately craved for. She filled the status with Natsuki’s name, closing the small window as she scrolled down. Hesitating. Her resolve wavering.

In the end, she started Natsuki’s character script.

Her body tensed as she waited, the room echoing with the static buzzing now that Turi was hyper focused on her surrounding. She had no idea how this worked. Would Natsuki just- appear? Or- or would…

...or was she completely wrong?

It had been an aganoizing 10 seconds, but it felt like an hour. Nothing was happening.

Yuri sucked in a breath, trying to remain calm. She hadn’t jumped the gun had she? She hadn’t messed Natsuki up?

….

She had.

Oh god she- what did she do?

What the hell was she doing?! She didn’t- she didn’t understand it as well as Monika and yet-

Yuri’s breath hitched as she tried to keep a steady flow of air in and out, breathing far too manually and heavily.

She messed it up. She messed **Natsuki** up. What would Monika think? She’d be so- oh god Yuri didn’t even know. She went behind her back and tried to rush Natsuki’s repair, and now she’d surly damaged something or messed up her file and- 

And…

Yuri backed away, shuddering as she was keenly aware of the black floating specks formulating in the room.

They looked like pixels?

She- she didn’t understand what was happening. What had she done?!

She watched in horror as a mass of them accumulated from the darkened void around her, combining together a few feet in front of her into a blob of-

Wait, no it was making something-

She could make out a small outline coming together, something-

!

  
  
  
  
  


After half a minute, and what felt to be an out of body experience, Yuri looked on as a short pinkette stumbled on her legs. Nearly falling over as she lurched forward. Her eyes were panicked, scanning the room for just a second before locking with her own and-

“YURI!”

Natsuki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!


	9. Breathing, Breaching, Beating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki is back. Yuri brought her back. And there’s a lot to talk about.
> 
> Yuri...is overwhelmed to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohohoho! Bet you weren’t expecting this!
> 
> I was really eager to jump back into writing this, and felt bad for leaving you all hanging for so long. So this is my apology! An extra beefy chapter quite a bit sooner than usual! This was a lot of fun, oddly, to write.
> 
> I wanna say ahead of time though as a TW: this chapter depicts a scene of a attack and has slight explicit details on some of the more disturbing moments from the game. This IS DDLC, but still, thought I’d leave you the fair warning. 
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoy ;)

Yuri’s mind raced as she looked over Natsuki, the pinkette expression widening with some emotion she- wasn’t quite sure about...She had looked so panicked just moments prior. To be fair, she herself was inwardly in knots.

Natsuki was...here. In front of her. And- she seemed okay. Whole. Functional. 

Alive.

“Natsu- oohmph!”

Yuri nearly toppled as the short girl collided headfirst into her torso, face buried in Yuri’s abdomen. She felt the girl wrap her arms around her harshly, almost painfully tight.

“Thank god! I-“

Yuri’s body stiffened, feeling a bit of heat filling up her cheeks. Her arms dangled uselessly in the air, cautiously above Natsuki. She wasn’t- uncomfortable, per say, but she was very confused. Her posture had naturally stiffened, she wasn’t used to physical contact, as pathetic as it made sound. 

Especially from...Natsuki? Of all people?

Had she actually messed something up? Maybe in regards to her personality? Could she even do that? Before she had the time Natsuki released, oddly seeming unconcerned with what she’d just done.

“Natsuki?...are...are you fe-“

“ **N-Natsuki!** ”

Yuri yelped, if her face wasn't flushed before it sure as hell was now. Natsuki had gripped the seam of her sweater and quickly lifted it up. Not to the extras where her...upper torso was visible, but her entire stomach was now out on display for...no reason?

She could only be thankful she hadn’t decided to randomly yank up one of her sleeves.

Yuri took a step back, harshly pulling her sweater back down. She wasn’t mad, no, if anything she was happy deep down. It was simply harder to focus on that happiness with how utterly confusing Natsuki was being.

“W-what on- e-earth are you doing?!”

Yuri immediately regretted the raise of her voice, taking note of how- deadly serious Natsuki looked. She looked...scared, and confused. She’d never seen her so vulnerable.

“N-Natsuki?...”

“I-“

Natsuki seemed to struggle, a hand running up the side of her head, nesting in her hand as she shook her head.

“I swear I **saw** you- Monday morning when I walked in and-“

Monday morning?...the concept of time wasn't- really a factor that mattered now. Nor the days of the week. The last Monday she could recall readily was the festiva-

….

_Oh._

Yuri slumped down slightly, hand anxiously raising to mess with a curl of her hair. She sucked in a breath, making note of Natsuki’s expression again. She...supposed her last memories would be from there, assuming she kept her own. Yuri spoke softly, gently.

“What’s the last thing you remember?...”

“You we’re fucking dead Yuri!” 

Natsuki’s voice raised sharply, anger lacing her tone. Yuri shyed away slightly, but made note it wasn’t the girls fault for- whatever she was feeling. For what she knew, nothing probably made sense. She could still clearly see the panicked look in her eyes too behind the veil of anger.

“You were on the floor just- dead! It- I could **smell** your corpse! There was so much blood and it was just- brown- and It-...it felt so _real_.“

_It was._

Yuri bit her tongue, watching as Natsuki began to mellow. Her voice breaking partway through. What looked like unshed tears sparkling in her eye as she frowned.

“What even- happened? It was so-“

Natsuki choked it out, the raw emotions beginning to slip out as did the water wafering on her eyelids. Yuri’s heart clenched, her mouth dry. She felt herself welling up slightly, Natsuki had...been that concerned?

Yuri recalled a memory not her own, one of Natsuki handing MC a fraud poem. One- asking for help. For _her_ sake.

Oh god she- was she crying too now?

“I-I’m-“

Yuri was tackled again, the impact not quite as forceful as last time. But Yuri couldn’t come to care even if it had been. She felt something slightly moist dripping down just a few moments after Natsuki collided with her torso for the second time. The girl looked so... _small_. 

“I-I don’t even care I’m- im so glad you’re okay-“

Natsuki’s voice is wavered, barely keeping itself together as she sniffled.

No- no wait. Yuri herself had done that.

“I’m s-so...so glad you’re okay too…”

Yuri let out a mirthless laugh, sniffing lightly again as she enveloped Natsuki back. It was a little awkward, considering the height difference, but Yuri couldn’t care less. Natsuki hardly made a sound, seemingly overcome, her body simply trembling lightly. Her back arched up and down between what seemed to be staggered breaths.

Yuri herself felt a certain lightness in her chest as she felt water freely flowing down her cheeks. Closing her eyes, tightening her grip around Natsuki with just a fraction of the hold Natsuki had on her. 

Natsuki was safe. She was okay. She…she felt warm.

She was alive. They both were. 

Yuri had long since missed the presence of a soothing, comfortable silence. The only noises being a soft sniffle or two coming from her.

Yuri couldn’t fathom such a small act would feel so monumental, that a hug would fill her with a warmth she hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

“D-don’t- ugh...d-don’t tell anyone about- this. Or I’ll actually kill you…”

Natsuki finally released Yuri, letting her go, albeit reluctantly. Her face was red, her eyes puffy, as she wiped her nose off on her sleeve with the most disgusting sounding snort. 

Yuri couldn’t help but let out a weak chuckle. She couldn’t even muster up any care in the world, any current downside.

“I-I don’t intend to. You can trust...m-me on that.”

“I’m- sorry. This is- p-probably so damn weird of me. I just- t-think I had a really lucid dream or something? I was really- worried about you okay- so I guess I just...had a dream of something r-really messed up?”

Yuri’s high began to fall off, her smile wavering as she looked sympathetically at Natsuki. Biting her lip. That...was right, she was probably so confused, to her, she’d just cried over an event that seemingly didn’t happen, that Yuri shouldn’t have any context for.

“You're probably a-so confused…” Natsuki laughed weekly, shaking her head. “I’m ganna fucking despise myself for like...all this later…” Natsuki glanced up at her.

The small semblance of a grin fell off her face as fast as could be. She stared ahead blankly, raising a hand to rub at her eyes.

“Natsuki?...”

“Where- are we?...Like- right now?...”

Oh...this- might be difficult…

Natsuki stepped to the side, looking off with a confused but intense expression. She was looking into the empty expanse of the void.

“I remember going towards- the bathroom or-“

Natsuki hesitated, shaking her head.

“No wait that was a dream- I...remember going home?”

Natsuki pursed her lips, Yuri hovering anxiously behind her as she walked forward more, past her, before pausing. She looked back to Yuri.

“Is this the drama club or something?”

“H-huh?”

“Is this like- back stage or something? I’ve never seen black...walls before. These looks so- weird?”

Natsuki take a step forward towards the edge of the floor, more towards the expanse of the void. Beginning to reach her hand out and-

**Wait-**

Yuri shot forward, nearly tumbling to the ground, her legs ungraciously moving her in a brisk dash as she took Natsuki’s risk right as the girl leaned forward past the bounds of the floor. Eyes widening as she tipped forward, teetering over the edge for just a moment.

“P-please! Don’t- don’t step that close! I-I don’t want you to fall and-“

“What the hell…”

Natsuki muttered under her breath, seeming to ignore Yuri as she leaned forward slightly again. Yuri held the tight grip on her wrist, which didn’t seem to dissuade Natsuki in the slightest. In a moment, she fell back into a comfortable safety, taking a step away from the edge. Yuri felt herself let out a breath she wasn’t aware she was holding.

“Thank y-“

“Where are we.”

Natsuki’s tone wasn’t angry. Or even necessarily demeaning or demanding. But it was very clearly serious, her expression matching as she looked to Yuri expectantly.

“Uhm…”

“There’s no wall here Yuri.”

“R-right-“

“There’s a god damn **chasm** right next to us? Next to the **floor**.”

“....”

“Where are we.”

Natsuki still wasn’t quite angry, and she still seemed to be genuinely confused with her tone rather than outwardly irritated. At least for now. Yuri fumbled with words in her mind, none of them good enough to explain the situation at hand easily. But she spat them out anyways.

“We’re in...a...a void.”

Natsuki went silent for a moment.

“Like in space?”

“N-no- uhm...we’re- nowhere. K-kind of. And- and right now we’re- it-...we live in a...video game?...”

Yuri bumbled through the surly idiotic sounding statement eventually, tongue twisted in trying to find the impossible way she could explain the situation gracefully.

Natsuki deadpanned at her. She was partly expecting it, but still cringed.

“I-I know it’s-“

“When the hell am I going to wake up…”

Natsuki growled, causing Yuri to stiffen lightly. The smaller girl balled her hands, face mixing with displeasure. 

“I’m already sick of this! I just wanna- wake up already! I dunno what the hell I did to have shitty dreams like this but I’m sick of it!”

Natsuki stomped lightly, frustration boiling off the girl as Yuri felt the anxiety creeping back into her. She’d successfully helped bring Natsuki back- perfectly as she’d been left. But just _how_ was **she** of all people supposed to explain the fact their entire world was fake, and they were in a game reasonably? It sounded crazy.

It was crazy. 

“I-it’s not a drea-“

That snide look on Natsuki’s face shut her down real quick. She scoffed.

“I can probably make a unicorn appear out of thin air, and then we’d go flying around this- black space or whatever.”

Natsuki turned, glancing around the room. Hands on her hips she huffed.

“I thought lucid dreams were supposed to be controllable? This is seriously the shittiest one ever. First my life’s some horror show and now-“

“Natsuki t-this is real! I-I can prove it!”

Yuri feebly tried to raise her voice with mock confidence, wilting under the displeased glare from Natsuki. The girl crossed her arms with a shrug, finger tapping against her elbow impatiently.

“Fine. Do it.” 

Yuri stilled, mind lagging behind as she faltered. She- What on earth could she do? Something to help prove they were in a game?..

...oh!

...duh.

Yuri took in a breath before opening the small console window afront her, scrolling through a few different windows as she glanced up, Natsuki watching her as if she had three heads. With a few precise taps, Yuri closed the window, a desk phasing in from a few stray pixels beside the two.

Yuri glanced at the desk, then back to Natsuki. The girl looked perplexed through and through.

“See?”

“...You expect me to believe this is _real_ when you just _summoned_ a desk out of thin air like I just described?”

Yuri opened her mouth, only to close it moments later. Her frown stretched thinly across her face. That- was quite unbelievable, wasn’t it? If Natsuki was under the impression she was dreaming, and this was all in her mind, no doubt anything she tried repeating strait from Natsuki’s mouth would prove as effective proof.

…..

“W-what if I told you something only I know?...”

Natsuki raised an eyebrow.

“Only Yuri would know?”

“I-I’m sure you have a predisposition of me-...Y-Yuri-“ it felt so...odd to refer to herself in the third person. “So- if I...were to tell you something only the real Yuri could answer, w-would that convince you?” 

Natsuki paused, looking thoughtfully. She raised her hand, her arms unlocking as she bit in her thumb.

Hopefully whatever she asked was something meaningful enough to be sufficient proof. As much as she’d like to think she knew herself best, surly Natsuki would be inclined to believe her own opinions or view over Yuri’s if the question was subjective enough. So-“

“Why does Yuri only wear long sleeves?”

Yuri’s heart stopped, her arms recoiling slightly by her side. 

“Even when it’s summer, and we’re in gym, and she’s sweating like a pig she _refuses_ to wear anything but the winter wear gym shirt. We always have to wear those stupid school uniforms- but whenever I see her _outside_ school she’s always got on a jacket or sweater- like...what you got on right now.”

Natsuki put her hands on her hips. Her expression crafted to be careful neutral. Yuri subconsciously picked at the rim of her sleeve, pulling it up. We’re these false memories? Yuri...didn’t find any jackets in the files, nor gym uniforms. But it sounded like something she might do or wear..

“She doesn’t act cold, so why does she always wear a long sleeve?”

Yuri’s throat felt incredibly dry. Words seemed like an impossibility, not just an annoyance. She looked back up at Natsuki, just barely, looking her in the eyes. Eyes begging for- something else. Natsuki’s expression did not falter. 

Yuri sucked in a breath, feebly trying to say- anything important. To answer, or to plead for a different question, or to ask why Natsuki would even care about such a minoot detail. **Anything**.

“I-I-“

She swallowed thickly as Natsuki sighed. She didn’t say anything, just glancing away unimpressed. Yuri was trying- so hard. But it was just...she couldn’t say it. How could she?

_I cut myself because I’m a freak, and I try to hide it. I had the option of fixing myself here, and I didn’t. Isn’t that sick?_

…maybe...maybe she could not say it. Not so directly- maybe it would help.

“...Y-Yuri- she…”

Yuri took a breath, attempting to calm her spiked nerves and jittery hands.

“She w-wears long sleeves all the time be...because she’s s-scared or showing off her arms..”

Natsuki looked at her, causing her to flinch and look away. The girl looked mildly intrigued, clearly she’d said something of note so far.

She’d need to go all the way if she wanted to get through though. 

“..she cuts herself…”

Yuri felt lightheaded. It wasn’t the enlightening feeling filling her earlier with Natsuki, it was the empty- uncomfortable feeling that made her feel as if she were walking on pins and needles. She looked down at the ground, it was easier that way.

“S-she c-cuts her arms. S-so she...tries to hide them. Because she’s- ashamed. B-because they look g-gross and...and hideous.”

Yuri’s voice wavered, she bit down on her lip.

“S-Shes a freak- and she’s scared o-of everyone...finding out…”

It felt like heaven and hell. Some deep seeded part of her relieved for getting it off her chest, for revealing herself for what she was. The other larger part of her horrified of what she’d admitted to, body trembling in tandem with her racing mind. 

The silence was agonizing.

She heard the soft sound of creaking floorboards, cringing as Natsuki was audibly approaching her.

“I-I-“

She saw the tips of her shoes in her vision, still trying to avoid eye contact at any cost. No doubt Natsuki had realized it was real, and was ashamed to consider someone like her a friend.

Or worse yet, she was still convinced this was a dream, and that confession was the last bit of conformation she needed to decide with certainty Yuri **was** a freak. A deranged, broken, horrible outcast and a pitiful excuse for a-

...a..:a…

….

Natsuki was a lot more careful this time. Approaching slowly, head peered down too as she heard Natsuki take in a soft breath. Her arms wrapped around Yuri’s torso tenderly, head resting against her chest this time. Her straitened posture gave her more height. Yuri- couldn’t stop trembling, as pathetic as it was. She tried to say something further, something to defend herself or to ask just- what was happening. But all that came out was the most pitiful whimper.

Natsuki sighed, they sat in silence for a while.

It was relatively calming, at least comparatively. Yuri still couldn’t- stop. She was rightly terrified, and her body shook like a leaf, but her anxiety began to spike down towards normal levels. Her focus fixated on trying to match Natsuki’s slow and methodical breaths. The simple act of breathing was enough of a comfort to her to help calm her, the simple reminder that despite it all she was _alive_ and so was Natsuki.

“...I’m sorry.”

Natsuki spoke in a low grumble, Yuri almost thinking she misheard. She quickly decided that even though she hadn’t, she had. Surly, Natsuki wasn’t apologizing. What was there to even apologize about? Yuri spoke in a low, hushed whisper, the most she could muster up.

“W-what?..”

“I should say something. This- is really...awkward.” 

Natsuki was mumbling again, but all the less Yuri was willing to agree. She didn’t quite trust her mouth to verbally express it, nodding slowly.

“...I didn’t want to believe it. I’d- always wondered, you know? What you said made...a lot of since. And I guess I thought about it but- I didn’t want to. But it...makes sense. And you said it.”

Yuri swallowed thickly.

“I-I’m sorry…”

Natsuki didn’t respond. Yuri felt her anxiety rising quickly again, but Natsuki must’ve noticed some shift, because she spoke up again quickly.

“Don’t be stupid. You don’t..have to apologize for anything. That wasn’t even the important part.”

A pause. Yuri was curious. That wasn’t important? Was she not going to bring up the disgusting act further?

“...I thought I just imagined it, and I wasn’t really concerned or thought it mattered. But- I can feel it.”

“F-feel it?...”

“Your heartbeat.”

“.....”

Yuri was thankful for the change in topic, but also entranced by it. She awkwardly shifted one of her dangling arms, raising it delicately to her chest. It was stupid, why did she need confirmation she had a beating heart? She already knew she could breath, surly if that was the case one would assume the other would be without a second thought.

But right now, it felt really comforting.

She...had a heart, somehow. Or the illusion of one. And that made her feel really- floaty, in the moment. Light, again, but I’m the good way. Like with Natsuki before.

They settled into another silence, Yuri feeling the beat of her own heart as Natsuki listened along leaned up against her chest.

….

“Uuu…”

Only then did it occur to her how- potentially awkward this was. She by no means was objecting to what was happening. It was rather comforting. But Natsuki was...undeniably leaning against her breast listening to her heartbeat. Which-

Her face was hot again.

Natsuki’s face seemed to mimic hers, she frowned, backing away as the moment ended. She looked annoyed- but more so...embarrassed?

“Y-you...can forget that happened too, okay? I..,I believe you're the real deal or whatever- end of discussion.”

Yuri nodded dumbly, if not only to save herself from the impending awkwardness. It didn’t seem like she’d get her wish, as the tension hovered in the air thick enough to cut.

“...we’re in a video game? That’s...what you said, wasn’t it?”

“...y-yes.”

Natsuki’s gaze looked distant, she glanced off to the side. Back towards the expanse nothing of the void around them.

“...I’m sorry Yuri just- it...I don’t know how to explain anything but it just seems so-“

“I know...but- uhm….t-that’s the reality of our situation. I...could explain it briefly, as best I can?...”

Natsuki gave a curt nod, her expression seeming to take on something more melancholy, but still closed off. It seemed those brief vulnerabilities she’d let out earlier were locked back up, at least for the time being.

Yuri awkward glanced behind her, the desk still there just a few feet away. They’d probably be there for a while, talking, she was sure Natsuki would have further questions. And Yuri...was certainly not one who was an amazing elaborator when nervous.

“One moment please…”

Yuri opened up the console window again, scrolling through things quickly as she found the asset she was looking for. Within the span of a few seconds, two chairs spawned aside the table.

Yuri turned back to Natsuki, her expression surprised again. Not to the extent of earlier, but-

“So...is that just- something you can do now? I’d thought it was weird dream mumbo jumbo…”

“Yes, it’s...uhm...a little unorthodox but, we can all technically do it..” 

Something seemed to interest Natsuki regarding that, but she didn’t press whatever it was. She simply walked over and dragged the chair to one end of the desk, pulling it by the top as it scraped lightly against the wood, causing Yuri to flinch.

“You- you don’t _have_ to sit at the desk N-Natsuki. It was just supposed to act as an example before…”

“It’s fine. Kinda...I dunno I just- it’s familiar or whatever. It’ll be all awkward if I’m just sitting there in a chair while you're lecturing me about everything.”

Natsuki plopped herself in the chair, wiggling slightly as her face scrunched up.

“Were these things always so stiff? Feels like I’m sitting on a _rock_.”

Yuri pulled her own chair over, far more precisely and methodically than Natsuki had, as she slowly sat down in the chair. It...was rather uncomfortable. 

“I don’t think we ever used them in g-game so...they never had any intent of being comfortable. D-do you have any fusion or something to sit on? I-I’ve made some before.”

It would probably be easier to simply go _grab_ a chair from the opposing room, but-

That’s where Monika was.

She wasn’t quite- ready for that. Yet.

“No, it’s fine just- explain.”

Natsuki leaned on the desk as she eyed Yuri expectantly. She wasn’t quite as nervous as she might usually be, directly addressing the girl who was so easily prone to anger, but that part wasn’t at the forefront of her mind. It was more so how to address the situation that sounded...not completely asinine.

“We’re in..a video game, more spe...specifically a-a dating simulator… we were- uhm, I-intended to fall in love with the protagonist and...things along those lines. A-and that was more or less our purpose in the game…”

It was quite embarrassing thinking too harshly about it. Being involved in some vaguely described world, taking place in novel level romantic plots with whomever the PLAYER might be. Being made to fall for him regardless of how he might act or who he’d choose- or...she? What would’ve happened if the PLAYER was a girl? We’re there different genders to the MC?

...maybe parts of that weren’t so much embarrassing as they were disturbing, actually. Natsuki however seemed to have already rewatched the conclusion. Her face reddening just slightly as she scowled.

“So we were just- in some perverted and shameless dating game or whatever? Falling for some idiot behind a screen?”

“More or less...t-though like I said it was more so the protagonist they controlled.”

“Who-“

Natsuki stilled, blinking, before she let out a frustrated growl and leaned back, the palms of her hand raising up to cover her eyes. Yuri flinched back.

“Natsuki?..”

“It’s fucking MC, isn’t it?” 

Yuri blinked. “It...it is. How did-“

“MC.” Natsuki sat back up, glaring at Yuri with a deadpan expression. Though- she felt it wasn’t directed at her. “Main Character.”

….

….

“I hadn’t- even realized that…”

Yuri herself groaned. It- was so simple, but she hadn’t even considered MC’s name as the PLAYERS input. She’d just thought it was some..stupid name thought uo by their creator. Or- maybe it still was, but still that was quite...laughably stupid. She might’ve smiled if she wasn’t cringing so hard.

“They- are, y-you’re right. MC was the protagonist. He was being controlled by the PLAYER. But...now they're gone, a-and so is MC.”

Yuri paused momentarily, getting her mind back in focus as she continued.

“The game wasn’t- g-going to plan. Our world was being manipulated, and us in it, a-and eventually...it got deleted. There’s more nuance and detail to it but- t-that’s the main idea. This- is all that’s left. The bits t-that we could salvage.”

Yuri’s arms raised, gesturing to the entirety of the room.

“T-theres a little more than this is sure you but- m-mostly it’s just classroom assets and some few other things left. S-so...that’s what we’ve been making do with…a-a lot of the other stuff was deleted and corrupted.”

Natsuki looked thoughtful, not responding right away. Yuri gave her time to breathe for a moment and gather her thoughts.

“I just...woke up a few minutes ago or whatever but- I didn’t...wake up, right?”

“.....”

“Was I deleted too?”

Yuri squirmed around slightly anxiously in her seat. Not quite ready to tell her it wasn’t a natural occurrence. No doubt she’d have to tell her of Monika’s influence, and…her own actions, even if Natsuki couldn’t directly recall them all.

“...y-yes.”

Another silence followed, this one teetering more towards awkward. Yuri tried to avoid direct eye contact, but curiosity bidded her to gauge Natsuki’s expression with a quick glance.

She was not expecting the more somber, soft look. She mumbled, glancing down at the desk.

“....thank you…” 

“Huh?...”

“I-...I said thanks.”

Natsuki’s voice rose slightly, not quite teetering on angry but- she looked slightly frustrated for a moment. She huffed, face- flushing slightly?

“I know I’ll probably hate myself for all this shit later, and earlier but- thank you. For restoring me or...whatever you did, and for being patient with me and whatever…”

Yuri’s heart swelled from the light praise, never being able to imagine such intimacy from the pinkette. She’d half expected her to completely brush off or deny their previous conversation after coming too, and maybe part of her wanted to, but it seemed clear the other majority was...thankful, and gracious.

Now Yuri herself felt her cheeks engulfed in a soothing warmth.

“It’s- no problem. T-truly, I couldn’t even think of leaving you in such a state…” Yuri paused for a moment, before looking at the girl sympathetically. “If it’s...not too much to ask. What’s the last thing you recall before coming here?”

Natsuki grimaced slightly, turning away with an uneasy expression.

“...it’s kinda blurry but after I saw...y-you- I...think I tried running to the bathroom. But after the hallway it’s- just fuzzy…”

“Oh…”

“Sorry…”

Natsuki again looked genuine. She was seemingly full of sentiments surprises today. Yuri shook her head quickly. 

“There’s no need to apologize. It’s not your fault, I’m...just very happy you’re here, truthfully.”

Yuri chuckled softly, Natsuki giving a short slightly forced one in return.

This was almost nice.

“...so Monika’s here too?”

Until it wasn’t.

“M-Monika?” Yuri swallowed thickly, her body fidgeting stiffly. “She- is. H-how did you k-know?...”

“You said “all” earlier, and “we’ve”. I just got here- so, I thought someone else was here.” She shrugged, gaze suddenly looking a little more normal. More...guarded, potentially frustrated. “And you said it yourself, MC’s gone- or not real or- whatever. So who else would it be?”

“S-Sayori?...”

Now Natsuki looked simply confused, making Yuri’s stomach drop as she suddenly recalled-

“Who?”

Natsuki didn’t remember Sayori.

Yuri fiddled with her hair again, twirling a loose strand around her finger.

“...s-she was the- fourth member of our club…”

“...that’s- how?”

“She-“

“I know my memory’s probably hazy and- god everything was really messed up some times, from what I remember, but there was **never** a fifth person there Yuri. I noticed something was really fucking off at the time, I would’ve noticed if a whole person dissapeared!”

“You...don’t..” Yuri evinced from Natsuki’s tone, not quite understanding her rising anger. She was sure the news was quite unbelievable, and maybe troubling, but- why...get angry of all things? Maybe that was simply how she coped?

“There w-was more than one…”run”, I-in a way. We went through the festival twice- t-the game restarted. Sayori was...our club mate, the first time, a-and gone the second. I didn’t remember her either t-the second time but-“

“Jesus Christ…”

Natsuki leaned on the desk, head hung low as Yuri frowned gently. She’d seen Natsuki’s expression morph as she spoke, more...vulnerable. Like she had slowly accepted it. No doubt understanding you just _forgot_ a friend was troubling.

“Why don’t I remember it all- like you do?”

“...I-I didn’t want to overwhelm you. S-so I just gave you your memories from the second run…”

“Well, give them back.”

Yuri felt sweat starting to bead together on her forehead. 

“I-I can’t yet, I need-“

“Yuri.”

Yuri flinched back from her tone.

“I get it, okay? You're considerate or whatever. Thank you. You’re smarter than me probably, and it’s probably good you filled me in. But I can handle it now. And their my fucking memories. If I forgot one of my god damn friends, I wanna remember them.”

“N-Natsuki please. You’ll still get- I-it’s too much.” She shook her head. “The only way t-to give you back your memory is to give you _all_ of them. E-every collective memory, from us all. It’s-“

“ **You‘ve** got them all. Right? I’ll be fine. Give me them.”

“P-please just- listen! Natsuki your being irrational, y-you don’t even know about it all and-“

“Your damn right I don’t!” Natsuki slammed her fist against the desk, causing Yuri to flinch. “You know how- fucking **horrifying** that is?! What I remember is so- fucked! But apparently I forgot about an entire **person** ! A **person** Yuri! I deserve to know!”

“Y-you will I **promise!** B-but you- p-please I just **know** you can’t! It happened to me and-“

Her breath hitched, recalling it all.

“I couldn’t- h-handle it! It was so much a-and it was in a **second**! I-it’s scary being in the dark b-but the light is so blinding and-“

Yuri sputtered, hands trembling. Images flashing through her head. Sayori’s corpse dangling in a broken room, Natsuki’s head snapping with a distinctive **crunch** . Monika’s piercing eyes breaking through a white nothing, peering into her soul. Herself a **corpse** , lying **bloodied.** And before hand with- with her poem.

What she **did** on that **poem**.

She-

She couldn’t breath. 

She couldn’t get the images out of her head. They were so vivid. She wants it to stop. Please. For the love of god. She can’t.

She can’t watch herself say such cruel and demented things.

She can’t stop seeing the bile rising up from Natsuki as she dashed from the room.

She can’t stop seeing Sayori claw at her own throat, blood flowing into her fingers.

And- and Monika-

She-

“Yuri.”

She was…

“Yuri what do you see.”

What- no. No she- she wanted to **stop** seeing not-

“What’s five things you see in this room right now?”

Five things in the room?

The room? What was in the room-

It was hard to see, her vision was blurry. But she still tried. She really wanted to see something else.

T-the- floor-floorboards.” She croaked out after a second, looking down and around her. “A-and...d-desk.” She turned up, looking at Natsuki. Her expression- she focused on that. It looked gentle. “Y-you- and...your b-blazer.” Yuri sniffled, pulling up her sleeve to wipe at her face. It felt gross for some reason. “M-my sweater…”

“What’s something you can feel? Can you try and give me four things?”

“U-uhm…”

Her hand felt warm, the one she hadn’t used to whipe at her face. It- was interlocked with Natsuki’s hand? “Y..you,..” she stumbled after a second, her wrist fumbling around a little on the desk. It was hard and firm. “The...the d-desk. And- m-my sleeve on my arm…” she picked up her foot, hesitantly, before putting it back down. The ground was indeed still there. “A-and the floor…”

“..I-I’m sorry I- I named all the same stuff I-“

“It’s okay.” Her voice was just as gentle. “Can you give me three things you hear?”

Things she hears?

She can’t...hear much of the memories anymore. There’s- relative silence in the room. It’s quiet, and peaceful mostly.

“I just...h-hear you, and- m-me. And the buzzing…” Yuri sniffled again. “I-I don’t think the buzzing goes away...I-it’s background noise.”

“Good. What about smell. Can you smell anything? Two things?”

Yuri attempted to, but her nose felt- really stuffed up for some reason. As a matter of fact her face felt...moist again. Had she...cried again?

“I-I’m sorry I...can’t really.” She looked to Natsuki dejectedly. Natsuki shook her head, Yuri felt her hand still in hers. Her thumb was rubbing up against the crook between Yuri’s own thumb and her index finger. It was partly soothing.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to if you can’t.” She paused for a moment, just as gentle as before when she spoke again. “Are you okay now?”

“I-I feel- shaken but...I-I think I’m okay.” Yuri swallowed down a bundle of nerves and what was most likely mucus. She couldn’t exactly care or be disgusted with herself right at the moment, despite how gross her face and sinuses felt. 

“W-what...why- d-did you ask me those things?” 

Natsuki tore her look away slightly, not quite looking her in the eyes.

“It’s...a technique I know about, to help calm people down during panick attacks.”

“Panick attacks?...”

….oh….

“I-I’m sorry-“ she quickly sputtered out, attempting to retract her hand from Natsuki’s. The girl had a strong grip. “I-I didn’t-“

“Don’t apologize Yuri. It’s not...your fault okay? Apologizing cause of a panic attack is stupid, so don’t. 

Natsuki still held a soft look, but her tone was a little sterner. It made room for no negotiation, so Yuri simply nodded along with a soft okay.

“...I’m sorry though.”

Natsuki sighed, Yuri shook her head.

“Y-you don’t-“

“I do.” She cut in sternly, again, her expression still lighter than her voice. “I shouldn’t have pushed or gotten angry at you like that. It’s- it’s just stressful, and seemed unfair, but I wasn’t fair to you- it sounds like...you were just trying to protect me…”

“...and speaking from experience.”

Yuri’s body shifted slightly, uncomfortably.

“I-I’m sorry-“

“Hey, I said no apologizing. Okay? Not for anything right now. I’m the one who...was wrong this time, and that’s that.”

When...did Natsuki get so mature? Thinking back the situation before she...broke down...had started off like an argument they might typically have. Normally it ended with the two of them breaking off, and coming back together the next day to apologize to one another.

“It’s okay...I-I understand. I-it’s not all your fault either…”

If Natsuki disagreed, she didn’t say so. She simply continued rubbing Yuri’s hand with her thumb. Though she did stop after another few seconds, silently returning to just holding her hand. Yuri made out the look of embarrassment on her face, but again said nothing.

She wouldn’t have mind if she continued honestly, but...it was rather embarassing.

“...so, it happened to you? You got your memories back, all at once, and it was-“

“Bad.” Yuri forced out, shaking her head. “B-bad doesn’t- even begin to describe it but...I-I’m sorry I just can’t in good conscience let you yet. I-I need to fill you in more.”

Natsuki sighed.

“Makes sense…”

A pause.

“So...did Monika give your memories back, or did you do it yourself somehow?”

“...M-Monika.”

Natsuki’s expression twisted slightly. The gentleness of it started to fade away. She looked frustrated again, and Yuri inwardly felt her nerves rising back up. 

Natsuki must’ve noticed, she physically relaxed her expression. Her tone was still a little telling though.

“Did she know, then?”

“K-know?...”

“You confirmed she gave you your memories back, so...she was first, right? To know about all this shit?”

Yuri nodded slowly, sniffling again slowly. She really needed to figure out how to spawn in suitable tissues.

“S-she brought me back, like I d-did you.”

“.....”

“Damn it-“

Natsuki cursed under her breath, looking up to Yuri.

“You- need to relax, okay? So after this I’ll stop asking questions for right now.”

“B-but-“

“I’ll wait for answers. I just need to know this one, and you need to calm down. I’ll plug my ears and start drowning you out if you keep explaining to me after that.” 

It was rather...childish sounding, but oddly thoughtful. She nodded, taking a break and it did sound nice. Natsuki looked at her with a more steel gaze, cold and serious. 

“Did Monika know it was a game?”

...she...would’ve preferred another question.

“...s-she does yes-“

“Before, I mean.”

Natsuki shifted up, face mixing with displeasure and anger.

“When we were still in the club. I still remember parts of it, and I remember you were acting deranged- no offense, it doesn’t sound like it was your fault. You said we were manipulated or something and- you...you aren’t acting anything like you were then.”

Yuri winced but nodded. Trying to push the thoughts of how she’d acted down for the moment. Less she gets nauseous or incredibly guilty all over again. 

“N-none taken…”

“But- Monika was so- fucking slimy. She wasn’t acting differently at all.” Natsuki scowled. “That’s- like you can’t just **do** that. I told her that something was wrong, things just felt wrong, and she just blew me off. And I was **really** angry at her.”

More than likely that anger was still present tense. 

“I couldn’t get why she just- ignored it. But if she **knew** it was fake…”

Yuri already understood the girls reasoning, she...resonated with it. As remorseful as Monika seemed now, Yuri couldn’t shake her feelings. The memories of that were- disturbing to say the least. Monika’s actions were...unsettling.

...she couldn’t lie about this. It would be wrong too. And- Natsuki would eventually know either way. Not just because she wanted but...because it was right. Despite- all of it. Despite how horrible the experience had been, in hindsight Yuri was only partly glad she had her memories returned. She couldn’t imagine living and never knowing about what Monika had done, or living with the knowledge without telling anyone.

Monika could’ve done that after all, couldn’t she? If she truly wanted, she could’ve just never told them about her acts. It clearly wasn’t against her wishes either to keep it a secret, even if Yuri physically saw how much it ate away at her. 

She took a breath.

“She...d-did. She knew.”

Natsuki was silent, seeming to purposely keep her emotions under wraps this time.

“Where is she?”

“U-uhm…”

“I won’t- do anything stupid. Okay? I just want to talk to her a little. Maybe not about everything, but...I’ve shook you down enough for into.”

Yuri hesitated before point behind Natsuki to the only wall of the room, the open doorframe to the other room. It just occurred to her- they...hadn’t tried to be particularly quiet. Had Monika woken up and heard, did she know Natsuki was here? Or would that be a rude awakening?

“T-there..” she said uneasily, trying to keep herself calm. Natsuki gave her hand a soft squeeze, helping in the act. She then stood up, pushing back on the chair as she let go.

“Then let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sir, don’t mind me fueling the flames of the Natsuri shippers. Nothing to see here, I’m just a generous man.


	10. Our Endeavor, Together, Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki and Monika talk, and Yuri is scared for what’s to come. She doesn’t know how things will turn out, or how everyone will be effected, but..
> 
> She wants everyone to be okay in the end, to say the least. Especially Natsuki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re shifting into third gear folks! Things are heating up, and cooling down, and next time- everything’s probably ganna be a hot mess honestly. 
> 
> But I also want to just say thank you to all of you reading this, just a few days ago I passed 1k hits on this story and that’s INSANE to me! I deeply appreciate all the support and interest, even from all the silent readers out there. Thank you for sticking by me, and going forward I hope you all continue to like what I put out!
> 
> A TW though: there’s indirect mentions of self harm in this chapter. It’s not explicitly described but...it’s fairly clear when it’s going on. So be warned.
> 
> Otherwise, hope you enjoy ;)

Yuri teetered towards the doorframe slowly as she followed Natsuki back towards the main room, the room where Monika was residing in. She was stepping into that room with Natsuki, her close friend, with the knowledge she was intending to talk to Monika, her...other friend?

All of this on the basis that Natsuki, someone prone to anger and rash decisions, wanted to question Monika on what Yuri could only assume to be her involvement in their world's current state and her knowledge of how it came to such a point after Yuri had all but confirmed to her Monika had been aware of the worlds deteriorating state beforehand and had done nothing.

Of course, what Natsuki didn’t know was that Monika had _caused_ the world's deterioration and all the insane, horrific moments between the lines. Monika had made an active, conscious choice to ignore Natsuki’s worries, and was the one who _instigated_ the basis of these worries. Since then Monika had been attempting to atone for these things, and felt an immense guilt over it. She’d been working with Yuri to bring Natsuki back, and Yuri had gone behind her back and brought Natsuki back to the world in the dead of night while Monika was supposed to be _sleeping_.

Now, after a long discussion with Natsuki, a **loud, emotional** discussion. They were heading back to that room, where they’d both have to face a Monika who- Yuri had no doubt, probably woke up from the commotion.

So, needless to say, Yuri was anxious.

Anxious, perhaps, couldn’t describe the existential _dread_ welling up aside the guilt. She’d frustrated Natsuki with her pleas for her to be more patient with her memories, and she’d no doubt proved herself to be untrustworthy to Monika. Maybe if she’d just waited _one_ more day, instead of going off on her own in a vain attempt to appease her lesser guilt for leaving Natsuki as ones and zeros longer than need be, they could’ve planned this out better.

She could’ve discussed the situation with Monika, and came to a more reasonable course of actions. One where both Monika and her could’ve had more ample time to emotionally prepare as well as _actually_ prepare on how to brief Natsuki properly. Instead, she’d been so inadequate Natsuki had thought she was _dreaming_ , and Yuri had to prove to her she wasn’t by _revealing her atrocious self harm scars._ Then she broke down and Natsuki had to comfort _her_ when _she_ was the one who’d just came to find her entire world was digital, all because she couldn’t formulate her thoughts into words properly to explain why it wasn’t a good idea to give Natsuki all her memories back in a quick and concise manner.

And now she was about to no doubt watch a head on collision between the only two other people currently in her world because she’d been idiotic beyond comprehention. She was grossly underprepared and a backstabbing _snake._ And it would no doubt show in whatever horrible, explosive interaction Natsuki and Monika had in just a few short moments because **she had fucked up so-**

“Yuri.”

Her body stiffened as she turned with a pathetic amount of hesitation, struggling to look Natsuki in the eye. It held sympathy she didn’t deserve, this situation was all her-

“Yuri!”

She felt something grasp her hand, holding on tight. It was Natsuki’s own hand on closer inspection. 

“Jesus you're shaking like a _leaf_ …”

She was?..

“You keep spacing out, clearly you're in your own head. You need to calm down, okay?”

How could she possibly say it was okay? She- she knew. Even if Natsuki didn’t, **she did.** She knew this would only turn out horribly. She opened her mouth, pleading with herself to attempt a false attempt at bravado for a response. Nothing came out.

“...Yuri look-”

Natsuki stepped towards her, ushering her away from the door just a little. It was so close, just a few feet away. A few feet away from all hell breaking loose. 

“I know you can’t help it, alright? You’ve always been all...jittery n shit. And you worry too much over stupid stuff that’s nonsensical. I get it. But whatever you're thinking right now? It’s not true, okay?”

It was, it-

“It isn’t.”

Natsuki’s expression was stern but caring as she bore into Yuri’s very soul with that look. She could make no mistake that Natsuki was serious with her words. She believed her, believing Natsuki believed herself that is. She couldn’t blame her for it, she seemed to be really trying. But...she just- couldn’t understand.

“I...promise alright? I know I handled it all real crappy earlier, especially with you. But I’m going to handle it better now. I’m just...I’m going to have a civil chat with Monika, and you’re ganna relax. It’s nothing personal but, honestly, you look like shit. You _need_ to go like...sleep, or something, and if you can’t then go read a book or something if there are still any here or- whatever. Whatever you need.”

Yuri still doubted it. She couldn’t imagine it going anything but horrible. But...it would be easier to try and lul herself into believing Natsuki. Easier on her, and seemingly Natsuki as well. And she’d like to believe her too, she really would.

  
  


Maybe...she should give her the benefit of the doubt. She could say without a doubt that Natsuki’s attempt to assure her was admirable, it was no doubt the most kind hearted, mature thing she’d ever heard from Natsuki. That alone helped to simmer her bubbling nerves. She couldn’t quite understand the change in demeanor though. She knew Natsuki was no doubt sombered by the acts of the game, but...what exactly had changed? Just coming into the world, Natsuki had shown little snippets of her abrasion, telling Yuri if she were to ever tell anyone about her...emotional moment, she’d “actually kill her”. And though she doubted the legitimately about the statement, it was still in line with how she normally acted. But now she was...openly comforting her? Sure, perhaps the situation made her inclined to act more friendly but...why go to such long lengths? She could’ve just said “It’ll be fine” and have left it at that.

“...thank you…”

She’d have to mull it over, perhaps even while Monika and Natsuki spoke, she couldn’t leave it any longer. Clearly this was bound to happen and...she’d at least be considerate and not argue with Natsuki over the situation, even if she still was quite unsure about anything going well.

“Don’t mention it.” Natsuki paused afterwards, frowning. “...not- literally. That wasn’t a threat or anything just- ugh.” She shook her head. “Nevermind. Lets go, okay? You just...go do whatever it is you want.”

Natsuki wasn’t helping her confusion, she simply nodded in response. Natsuki pulled to leave, only to seemingly release she was still holding Yuri’s hand.

This of course, made Yuri aware of the fact. She...would find it hard to admit she was disappointed when Natsuki let go.

“God I dunno what I’m so touchy- just ignore me, alright?”

“N-no your- fine. It helped…”

A brief, awkward silence followed. Natsuki hummed lightly.

“Alllright, let's go then.”

With that Natsuki made her way into the main room as Yuri followed behind hesitantly. Upon entering her stomach dropped.

Monika was sitting on the edge of her mattress, slouched over slightly. Her head turned from them. Upon the creak of the floorboards she turned to them. Yuri was surprised by just...how blank her expression was. It looked a little sorrowful, and uneasy, but other than that her emotions were masked well. Was Monika trying to hide her emotions for her sake? Or was she simply that calm and collected despite the situation?

The room fell into an eerie silence, nobody moved. On came the dread Yuri despised and was terrified of. She was sure something would give her- either one of them would do something that would just...cause **some** chain reaction. Some horrible chain of events that would irreversibly damage something. 

Natsuki took the first step forward.

She approached a more reasonable distance away from Monika, about five feet or so. A reasonable talking distance.

Right, a talking distance.

“...Monika.”

Natsuki’s tone was reserved, holding a slight coldness to it. But otherwise seemed rather collected.

“..Natsuki.”

Monika replied all the same, reserved. Though her voice held a gentleness that opposed Natsuki’s.

“I’m sorry- I hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. You two were...a little l-loud. But- I tuned it out once I realised-”

“It’s- whatever, I don’t care about that. I want to talk to you.” 

Yuri shifted uncomfortably as she watched Monika’s mask slip for a moment, she saw the girls shoulders shudder slightly.

“..r-right...what...do you know?”

“Enough. We’re in a game- and all the shit I remember was real. And you were acting out before, cause you knew. Yuri already told me about how you knew, so don’t deny it.”

Monika looked up at Natsuki, who had crossed her arms, still seated. She had to look up to see her head on, a rather odd turn of events considering normal circumstances. Monika’s eyes fixated as she furrowed her brows confusingly.

“Yuri...told you? You- you don’t remember?”

Yuri felt her heart stop and her body freeze as Monika turned her gaze to her, seeming to study over her. Her expression was light and caring, but it made Yuri feel anything _but_ reassured. No doubt an array of questions were rolling through Monika’s head. Probably on the validity of her character.

“No, Yuri filled me in. She said there’s a buncha stuff I don’t remember and I can get those memories back. But..I’m ganna wait a little bit. She convinced me it’s probably a better idea to take it gradually, so until then, I’ve got questions for you.”

Yuri tried to fight out of Monika’s gaze, desperate to avoid whatever horrid look she’d received. But-

Monika _smiled_ . She heard straight from Natsuki that Yuri had told her things about her, _bad_ things, and she was **smiling** at Yuri.

Yuri felt _sick_.

“That was probably the right call...I’ll...I’ll answer anything you ask. Though- Yuri might be a...more reliable source for a few-”

“No.”

Yuri wasn’t sure if it made her feel better or worse to her the aggression back in Natsuki’s tone.

“She’s taking a break, **you're** going to answer my questions. Don’t drag her into it.”

Yuri finally felt her body move as she stumbled closer, her anxiety bubbling as panic was close to setting in. Natsuki was getting aggravated, things were going to break up into chaos if it continued. She was sure of it.

“N-Natsuki please I’m- I-I’m sure Monika didn’t-”

“Yuri, please. It’s okay.”

Monika held up a hand, smile gentle as Yuri felt her insides twist uncomfortably. All the air sucked from her body. 

“She’s...right, you don’t need to be brought into it if it’s me she’s got questions for. I shouldn’t have suggested it. I can talk with her for a while. You...just relax, okay?”

Natsuki raised an eyebrow, but reluctantly nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, you're already shaking again. So just...try, alright? It’s probably not easy but just- go lay down? Or something? We can go take the other room.”

Monika nodded in agreement.

What the hell was happening.

Where they both just...keeping themselves contained for her sake? Keeping face as not to disturb or upset her?...

And why- why on earth did Monika actually look _greatful._ She went behind her back to do this, she could’ve easily alerted her to her intentions- or asked for the help. But she didn’t. But Monika didn’t appear mad in the slightest- she just...

She didn’t understand it.

She nodded feebly, it was all she could muster. She was still trembling and so- anxious. But the confusion was starting to override it, it gave her something to ponder. Her mind wandering tended to be her downfall but- maybe it would help her distract herself.

Monika and Natsuki exchanged a glance before Natsuki took charge, motioning towards the door with her thumb as Monika slowly sat up and followed. Yuri noticed her slight hesitance once Natsuki’s back was turned.

The two approached the door as Monika paused.

“With...this hole here, it’s hard to keep the sound out or in. Do you want me to put a door here?...”

Natsuki blinked, seemingly flabbergasted at the idea, before she seemed to shift back into the mindset that that was simply the norm. Yuri had seen the same expression on her when she’d spawned the table.

“Yeah- yeah do whatever.”

Natsuki brushed by her, looking back at Yuri sternly.

“And you make sure to take care of yourself, okay? Your like...a natural at alone time, right? So do whatever it is the hell you normally do whenever you’ve got time to yourself. It’ll probably help.”

Yuri nodded dumbly, unable to refute the logic. She did tend to be alone quite often, she was rather introverted. But...that didn’t necessarily mean she wanted to be left in the dark on what was going on. At the same time though, she much so needed some time to herself after feeling trapped in a single room for several days.

Natsuki nodded back and stepped into the room, Monika giving Yuri a kind sympathetic smile.

“...don’t worry about me.”

With that, she spawned in a door to fill the gap, it fit snugly in and soon enough- Yuri was alone. The only sound she could hear being the distant buzzing of the ever present void.

…..

She could always technically look at the log, read what their saying in case-

No. No- no she...no. She trusted them. That was wrong. She just- needed to find something else to do.

……

Her arm twitched, calling to her, beckoning,

She’d been occupied for so long- she was so anxious, so overwhelmed, she hadn’t even a moment to release it all. She-

She didn’t want to. She couldn’t-

_Release is what you need. It’ll help._

No- no this wasn’t right. She...she should remove the urge entirely, it was a sick urge to have, it didn’t benefit her in the slightest.

_It’ll help. It’ll make you feel better in more ways that one._

She must’ve been dilusional before. Why had she even considered leaving it be an option? It was such a disgusting unsavor act, she’d _seen_ the look on Natsuki’s face when she showed off her arms. She’d heard the horrible pity lacing Monika’s voice when she revealed she already knew. It was poison; she was poison for having such a coping mechanism.

_But it’s a part of you. You should be true to yourself. You shouldn’t ignore it. You_ **_need_ ** _this._

She opened up her character file.

_You don’t want to do this._

Her finger hovered over a number, just a single one, one of changed would lower all these horrible urges into a realm of non existence.

_You won’t do this._

….

She was- horrible. She was a broken, miserable excuse for a person.

She closed the file, teetering towards her mattress. Her knife was stashed under the top left of it, tucked away for safe keeping.

What was wrong with he? She had the ability to rid herself of a horrible, self distinctive urge, and-

And she **couldn’t**.

Maybe it felt like cheating.

Maybe it felt like taking away a part of herself.

Maybe it felt as pointless, since it he urge would just come back.

Maybe….she liked that conformation.

She liked the idea of having a human flaw more than she hated the flaw she had.

Maybe she liked the rush it gave her in such mentally exhausting times.

Maybe it was normal and static enough to find comfort in despite the chaos.

Maybe she liked the prospect of bleeding to prove she was still alive, to prove she was human.

Or maybe she was just sick in the head.

She drew her knife from under the mattress, sitting in it in a grey as she rolled up her sleeve.

_Natsuki wouldn’t want this. She’d be grossed out even further. Monika would be so disappointed in you. She probably knows you choose not to do anything about it._

Yuri bit her lip, chest heaving up and down. She couldn’t- she couldn’t stop. 

She **needed** to let it out.

In one motion of the knife she felt relief burst from her. Pressure shooting out like gas caught trapped in the chamber her body. She finally felt stable, backed away from the point of collapse. Her arm tingled with anticipation, her other arm shaking with anticipation.

In a second motion of the knife she felt her worries melt into the blade. All the stress and anxiety flowing out like a rapid in a river. A warm sensation pooled down her forearm, running along the underbelly of her wrist.

In a third motion of the knife she felt satisfied. All her wrongs righted as the world seemed to make sense again. The complexities loosing their meaning as she understood just one thing, she felt better. She could breath again.

  
  


In a fourth motion, she lowered the knife.

She felt…

…shame.

Disgust.

Hatred.

But- she hated that she didn’t regret it above all else. She felt awful, like scum of the earth- but that was normal. All the stress from before was lessened, she was back into a comfortable kind of anguish and discomfort.

...what was wrong with her?

Snapped back to reality Yuri was painfully aware of the stinging in her left arm, she stood up, helping hold her...injuried arm with the opposite one. She made her way to a small stack of papers laying on a desk along one of the walls.

She needed a make shift- and she’d already made do.

She picked up one of the paper sheets, it was soft and a little fuzzy. The corners and sides of the page smoothed out slightly. She’d spawned in a good stack of papers and adjusted their texture and shape into something more…

Suitable.

They were more absorbent.

She touched the thin piece of paper to her wounds, blood bleeding into the page as it was soaked up. It felt like a cloth pressed against her arm, just a whole lot thinner, and a whole lot different looking.

A few minutes later and another few pieces of paper, she lifted the pressure off of her arm to find the cuts had stopped bleeding. She took the few, now stained, pieces of paper as she shuffled over to the singular window in the back of the club. She glanced around before tossing the papers through the gap, watching them fall into the abyss of nothingness bellow.

She felt…

Exhausted. Too exhausted to even focus on how much she loathed herself currently.

She slowly dragged herself back towards her late was, falling onto it as her mind grew hazy and distant, long sense forgetting anything but herself and her arms. Natsuki, Monika, and the state of their world faded away.

It wasn’t pleasant, but it was normal. It was comforting in a sick twisted way. And it was enough.

She closed her eyes, and the world faded to black.

————————

**THUWMP**

“Shit!”

Yuri’s eyes shot open as they fluttered rapidly, she sat up quickly on her mattress- eyes peeling around the room. What on earth happened? Had something-

Oh...thank goodness.

Natsuki was standing a little ways away above a desk lopsided on the ground next to her.

Natsuki’s eyes met hers as they widened a little.

“I- crap, I woke you didn’t I?”

“U-uhm…”

Yuri stared awkwardly, she didn’t really mind but...well, it was what woke her. Natsuki was scowling down towards the desk, for some reason?

“Sorry, this- stupid thing just didn’t do what I wanted?”

“Didn’t...do what you wanted?”

Yuri blinked, staring at the girl. She finally noticed Natsuki was out of her school uniform and blouse, dawning her casual wear from the game. She’d forgotten how...pink...it was. How did she fail to notice immediately?

“I was like- screwing around with all this coding shit, and tried spawning a desk. And it like- spawned sideways! In the air!”

…oh.

“It’s like- c’mon! Can’t you work with me for a second? All this shits so confusing and- Yuri are you **laughing.”**

Yuri held a hand up to hide her tipped smile, shooting Natsuki the best apologetic look she could.

“I’m- sorry. It’s not at you, I promise. I-it’s more from relief it was...a rather silly problem. I’d thought something startling occurred.”

Natsuki deadpanned for a moment before huffing.

“Alright, good. Cause it’s not fair for you to laugh. This is like...all super new and weird for me, it’s hard!”

Yuri nodded, it was rather difficult at first. Getting used to the code. She and Monika reviewed it for a good long-

...wait.

“N-Natsuki?”

“Hmm?” The girl turned, attention having turned back to the desk. “Oh- and uh, morning I guess.”

Yuri blinked. “...thank you? But- I-uhm...where’s Monika?..”

Yuri withered slightly as she saw Natsuki’s expression darken slightly, her tempered but playful frown turned stone cold. 

“In the other room. She’s ganna be staying there for right now, I don’t want to be in the same room as her.”

Yuri’s stomach did flips as she got up, shifting slightly as her freshly woken body still felt stiff.

“T-that’s…”

“She agreed to it.” Natsuki added quickly, without a single strand of remorse. “So, she’s gone for right now.”

If Monika agreed and Natsuki was...uncomfortable, then there was little to be said or done. And- shamefully, Yuri...didn’t mind the separation. It gave her less to worry about, even if the guilt on making Monika separate was present in her mind.

“...so...what d-did you two talk about?”

Natsuki kept her arm cross, glancing down at the floor as she looked thoughtful. Yuri swallowed hard.

“Y-you don’t have to tell me- I understand-“

“No. I wanna be honest, no point in like...hiding stuff. There’s just not much to say.”

Natsuki’s nose scrunched up, she looked...disturbed, angry.

“All I did was ask her...why, and stuff. Why she’d just- sit there twiddling her thumbs if she knew? She couldn’t really give me an answer. She said she couldn’t explain- but she wanted to. Just that it was all her fault. But how the hell does that help me you know?”

Yuri nodded slowly.

“...other than that she told me a few useful things. Or- not useful but meaningful?...she told me about how apparently you’re the club president for some reason, instead of her, and that means like...you have priority over us. And she told me how to access the coding window and shit...she mentioned the reason we were here was cause the game was deleted, which you said, but that it was her fault, or something? So…”

“A-ahh…”

Yuri shifted uncomfortably some more. She’d..nearly forgotten she was the president. It didn’t really serve her any meaningful purpose, less she purposely exploit it, but-

She shuddered.

She’d never.

“So I’m- really pissed at her right now. And I’m...not ganna talk to her, so if she’s there nothing happens and you're not caught in it. She agreed. Win win for everyone.”

Natsuki three out the words without care, tone taking no nonsense or rebuttal. It wasn’t really a win win but...maybe more so the current base case scenario.

Natsuki locked eyes with her again, sighing as her expression lightened.

“Enough about her though- I woke you up, right? Did you sleep well?”

“I...slept f-fine. About as well as I-I’d hoped..”

She wasn’t as much physically exhausted, but the rest hadn’t done too much to help her mental exhaustion. She couldn’t hope for a simple nap to fix that though.

“Right. That’s good- well...not good but- you know what I mean!” Natsuki rolled her eyes as she grumbled. “Anyways…”

“...anyways?”

“...you feeling better?”

…well, both Natsuki and Monika were okay. The room wasn’t up in flames either. And nobody was disowning her for her actions.

“Yes...r-relatively but- yes.”

“Good…”

Natsuki sighed, leaning down as she pushed against the desk to lean it back up. It wobble slightly as it came to a standstill, now upright.

“I guess I’ve just- been waiting on you. Trying to learn more about coding n stuff, since Monika said it’s important to know.”

“W-waiting on me?”

Natsuki paused, looking downcast.

“...I guess I’ve still got questions. I mean- I don’t wanna overwhelm you but-“

“N-no- it’s okay. Really. I’m...feeling better now, a-and I don’t want to keep you in the dark. I’m sure you still want your memories back?..”

Natsuki hesitated for a moment before nodding.

“R-right…”

Yuri paused, glancing another time around the room. There was the desk from a few days prior, four chairs surrounding it.

“Perhaps it would be best i-if we sit down again?” 

“Yeah, sure..”

Yuri made her way over towards the desk as Natsuki followed, the two sitting on opposing sides.

“...there are four chairs?”

Natsuki gave Yuri a piercing look as Yuri shifted in her seat, mouth feeling at a loss for words.

“Y-yeah..”

Yuri swallowed down the bundle of nerves in her chest.

“J-just...in case I guess…”

Natsuki responded with a noncommittal hum.

They fell into an awkward silence as Yuri mentally filled through all the information she’d get to disclose and needed to. There was so much left to explain about the exact nature of the world's collapse.

A lot more to explain about Monika. Ugly things. 

“D-do you want to ask anything...s-specific?”

“...yeah.” Natsuki leaned a little on the desk. “How did things...end up like they did? Or whatever? I think you mentioned something being deleted before?”

Natsuki frowned, shaking her head as she bit her lip.

“I mean- you said we were in a dating game. But everything was- so horrific. How the fuck does that...even happen?”

Yuri cringed as Natsuki seemed to shrink up a little on herself while mentioning it, shuddering just _barely_ to which Yuri could notice. No doubt the girl remembered a few things, especially her-

...own corpse.

Was...that why Natsuki was being so kind to her? Was it because all Natsuki could see was a walking corpse, and she...wanted to amend with that corpse while it was still moving, even if it shouldn’t be?

That-

Yuri’s chest tightened. What was she doing? This- wasn’t important right now.

“I...I believe I did but- that’s...not the reason why that- a-all happened. It-“

Yuri tried to find the right words to explain it gracefully, but...she couldn’t. There could be no grace in such a thing. She sucked in a breath.

“You said M-Monika told you it was all her fault?...”

“...yeah?”

“S-she was- u-uhm…”

Yuri needed to get herself together. She needed to speak clearly and just- get it out. She wasn’t betraying Monika, Monika wanted this too, she’d even said so before. She just-

“Wait.”

Natsuki narrowed her eyes.

“Her- are you saying she meant that... **that** was her fault? All that shit? She did that?”

Maybe she didn’t have to explain after all.. Natsuki had proven herself to be perspective and intelligent through and through with a little guidance.

That didn’t make the conformation any easier though. It felt like a cold and raw admission of guilt from her lips. And it wasn’t even her own admission.

“Y-yes. That- she…she did all that. I-intentionally or otherwise…”

Silence, a thick, suffocating silence as Natsuki’s expression fell into a cold and confiscated look. She looked hollow.

“What specifically.”

“S-specifically?...”

“What did she do specifically.”

“Uhm-“

“ **Why** did she do it.”

“.....”

“So you know?”

Yuri nodded, confidence wavering hard as she desperately believed her ability to explain would be quickly fading. Especially as she could here the strain in Natsuki’s tone, the underlying _anger_ bubbling from within the words between the lines.

She somberrd for a moment.

“Just- I have to know Yuri. This- is what you wanted me to not take in at once, right?”

Yuri, again, nodded slowly. Though the words slowly came back to her as she felt the need to clarify less she mislead her.

“T-the specifics I could...n-never explain are- what’s hard to take in…”

“Explain the outline then.”

“...Monika...Monika m-manipulated us.”

The words felt like a verbal admission to betrayal leaving her mouth. Even if she knew she was just restating a fact.

“She wanted...the MC. T-the PLAYER. A-and...and she couldn’t- have them, b-because the game didn’t have a natural route f-for her so she...manipulated us t-to make herself appear more favorable to them..”

“S-she wasn’t as diligent as she could’ve been a-and that’s- what lead to everything happening. I-it was her manipulation causing unintended effects and...corrupting the world and-“

Us.

“E-everything else.”

Yuri was painfully aware of how shallow she made Monika sound, but she couldn’t explain any better. Because she...didn’t know much more than that. 

Yuri liked to believe it wasn’t that shallow a reason, Monika seemed to have...some, other reasoning? Surly, other than just chasing after a boy but-

Now that she thought about it she couldn’t recall another reason, not one she knew because she…

She never talked with Monika. She never addressed it.

…..

“That’s it?”

“N-not completely? I-it’s just-“

“No. I mean all this happened because she **wanted** a stupid **boy** she just met over **us**.”

There was hardly an attempt on Natsuki’s end to hide the swelling emotions in her tone. Nor was it a secret they were bubbling with anger.

Deeper than that even, Yuri heard the anguish, confusion, and maybe even...hurt in the voice. 

“U-uhm-“

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I-I’m sure it’s not that simple-

“Well, what else would make it okay?!”

Yuri flinched as she shudder slightly from the biting tone, Natsuki’s steely gaze pierced through her. She relented after a few short moments, looking away. Her expression still dark.

“...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-“

She fumbled with her words as she growled slightly.

“Just- tell me about the rest.”

“..I-it’s okay…”

“A-after things- didn’t...work out with-“

Yuri found the words lodged in her throat, memories of her confessing her undying love to the PLAYER scrolling through er head. The connection of the knife to her abdomen as blood rushed out in an adrenaline pumped fury, and the agonizing pain in her chest upon remembering it all still lingered fresh.

“...w-with me...Monika gave up on t-trying to coarse the game towards her a-and...deleted us. T-that’s why we-“

“She **killed** us.”

“T-that-“

Yuri stumbled, unsure how to counter. She- did delete them. Yuri recalled from memories not her own Monika deleting their characters strait from the console as she diligently stole a cupcake from Natsuki’s tray.

But- they were here. The both of them, even Sayori’s file was. It...couldn’t really be the truth, if it was they wouldn’t be here.

But what...really happened?

“What happened after that. Why’re we **back** if she wanted us gone so badly?”

Natsuki spat the words out venomously as Yuri flinched.

“I...I-I don’t know what- exactly happened after. E-everything after that’s...fuzzy, until after I woke up- I don’t know if it’s my memory problem or here but...I-I know I woke up in here with her because she brought me back.”

That was something she...probably should know. But she didn’t remember brief glimpses of the room they were in before, though eith just a single desk and- an unsettling atmosphere. But that was all. The memories after that fact seemed to be lost until Monika had brought her back.

What made Monika change her stance?...what made her even consider it in the first place…

“.....”

“I need- to know Yuri. I need my memories back.”

Yuri shifted uncomfortably.

“It’s-“

“I already know the majority, don’t I? Monika fucked with us, then fucked the world up. Done. It’ll be a disturbing slide show, right?”

“I-it’s…”

Yuri took a breath, voice quivering slightly as she spoke. Trying hard to focus on not remembering her own experience too harshly.

“It’s a f-flood of memories you- don’t understand. A-a lot of stuff you can’t understand, b-because it wasn’t you. The memories c-come from us all and...and it doesn’t leave anything to the imagination, every little thing that went wrong is- is there. You get to see it, you...y-you _live_ through it and-“

She remembered floating, feeling her hands scrape at her neck desperately. Eyes scanning a room that wasn’t hers. She couldn’t breath.

“...y-you saw me die, right?..”

Natsuki took a moment before responding, looking away as she looked to hide her face.

“...you’d have to live through that f-from my perspective.”

Natsuki was silent.

“...how blind were you going in?”

“A-almost completely. I...only knew about the world being a game and...and Monika saying I-it was her fault. The rest was just-“

Her voice broke momentarily.

“S-so...horrific.”

Yuri blinked away unshed tears as she felt something grounding her back to the present, Natsuki had taken her hand again. She seemed to be doing that a lot recently.

“...well, I’m a lot more informed than you on it. And I-...god I don’t- think anyone can be okay with what your describing but…”

Natsuki bit her lip, the girl looked unabashed in showing off her feet as she shook her head.

“M-maybe you can like- describe the worst parts. And then I’ll be ready? I...don’t know what else to do, you’ve basically told me everything important right?”

Yuri nodded, voice caught in her throat. The silence droned on as she couldn’t- find the words. She needed to describe it for Natsuki, she needed it to be as painless as possible if this was really-

She squeezed her hand.

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s like...painful, okay? I know from before that it’s...not easy for you.”

“N-no-“ Yuri choked out eventually. “I just...n-need a moment. I want you to- be prepared.”

Natsuki didn’t argue.

“You...you're going to experience death. F-from me and- and yourself. You k-know i stabbed m...mmm...and- and there was a situation where your neck snapped-“

Natsuki winced at that, Yuri pushed forward past her anxiety. Pushing her mind into the best topic before it could settle.

“A-and there's s-situations where you feel out of body- a-and helpless like you're a puppet. And t-there a times where you feel like a _prisoner_ as you watch yourself do- d-do horrible things that-“

Her voice caught as she recalled. The words spilling out of her mouth.

“I’m sorry-“

“Yuri you don’t-“

“No im-“ she took in a strangled breath. “T-there was a really bad- argument we h-had. It got really- heated and I said some **horrible** things a-and I swear I- if you see it I didn’t mean it at **all**.” Yuri gasped for breath. “I’m so- sorry I-“

“Yuri _please._ ”

Natsuki squeezed her hand tighter as she shook it gently. Or- not, no that was Yuri’s entire body trembling.

“It’s not your fault? Okay? I don’t- I don’t fucking care about what you said. I haven’t even seen it and I know it’s not your fault, so I forgive you, okay? I’m sure I was nasty too.”

“B-but-“

“No. No buts. I forgive you if you forgave me. Do you forgive me?”

“Y-yes! I-“

“I forgive you then. The rest doesn’t matter.”

Yuri deflated slightly, feeling her scattered thoughts start to calm themselves as she took a breath.

“...t-thank you..”

“God- you don’t have to thank me. I should be thanking you if anything.”

They fell into a brief silence as Yuri didn’t agree or disagree, catching her breaths as her breathing had stabilized.

“...so...I mean- I think I kinda get the gist.”

“...o-oh…”

“.....”

“Hey, Yuri. This- is ganna suck, probably. But it’s a good thing right? Like...I know with you here it’ll be fine, and I’ll remember all the shit I forgot. Then...it’ll all be easier or whatever.”

“R-right…”

The words shook as they left her mouth, not holding the slightest bit of conviction to them. Yuri sighed.

“I-I just- really want you to know I-it’ll be overwhelming. N-no matter what. S-so it’s...okay if- when you're done you-...I-...I don’t know but I’ll b-be here to help you okay?..”

“...god, you’re really trying to talk me out of this, aren’t you?”

Natsuki gave a weak laugh, Yuri couldn’t return it even sparingly. Natsuki sighed.

“I’ll...be fine, knowing your here n shit. If you can handle it, I can with more background info and your help.”

She _can’t_ handle it. She had made it abundantly clear she can’t. But she doesn’t reiterate that to Natsuki, she simply sucks in a breath and opens up Natsuki’s character sheet. Finger hovering over her memory status.

“Once i replace it you’ll..k-keep all your new memories, f-from now and...and you’ll gain the old ones. It’s...instant.”

“...right.”

Natsuki squeezed her hand a little tighter, giving her the best cheeky smile she could. 

“I’m sure it’ll only be like...partially traumatizing.”

“...I-i’m sorry…”

“There’s no avoiding it, it’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t, but she was still the one confirming the selection.

“You’re sure you...y-you want this?”

“...”

“Yes. If anything- just...for Sayori. I can’t just- go on not remembering my friend. Not when there’s...so few.”

Yuri nodded slowly, this was it then. No turning back. She prepared Natsuki...enough, hopefully. Hopefully all would be okay, her best she could offer would be enough.

**Transfer ownership from user YURI to user NATSUKI?**

**WARNING!!! THIS ACTION CANNOT BE UNDONE!**

With just a scroll and a tap, Yuri changed Natsuki’s memory state to Global.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki, holding a bat: I just want to talk to Monika.


End file.
